Subject: Daily Dose - 050416 - Irish drinking buddies, THIS is TRUE, very religious, DDL, Rotten News

Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on the future.

One says to the other, "You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at me grave."

The other friend responds, "That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over me grave."

The friend responds, "That I'll do. That I'll do. But would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?"

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THIS is TRUE....

CHEEKY CRIME: A jailer at the Gwinnett County (Ga.) Jail was suspicious of a prisoner brought in for booking. A pat-down revealed nothing, so the deputy did a strip search. His suspicions were well-founded: deputies say Clifton Alexander Carter, 19, was carrying a loaded pistol -- tucked between his butt cheeks. "I don't now how he was able to conceal the weapon in that area," a sheriff's spokeswoman said. "It is very unusual." Carter was booked on various weapons charges. (Atlanta Journal-Constitution)
...Cops: they always get you in the end.

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CAPED CRUSADER: Anders Mjelle, 22, is studying in Norway to become a pediatrician. While "practicing his signature during a prescription class," he realized his signature "just wasn't as cool as doctor signatures usually are," he says. "So I tried signing with the name to my old hero of heroes, Batman. That was much better." So much better that he has legally changed his middle name to Batman. "I believe being called Batman can definitely be something positive." (Aftenposten)
...Especially when dealing with Joker viruses, Riddler diseases and the inevitable Two Face bureaucrat.

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DOGGED DETERMINATION: Girlamo A. Marinello, 38, of Shelby Township, Mich., led an Oakland County Sheriff's deputy on a high speed chase. Once finally cornered, he attacked the deputy -- by swinging a leashed French Poodle at him. Marinello was charged with assault with intent to commit great bodily harm, fleeing and eluding police, carrying a concealed weapon (presumably not the poodle), resisting and obstructing police, and animal cruelty. But Marinello escaped jail by being declared mentally incompetent. (Daily Oakland Press)
...Since anyone in their right mind would know a French Poodle is only a defensive weapon.

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DEADLY OMISSION: According to a poll, Brits are tired of the Seven Deadly Sins (anger, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, sloth and pride), which were first outlined by Pope Gregory the Great in the 6th Century. The poll finds people want to replace most of them -- especially lust, though most are OK with greed being listed. The top replacement suggestions: adultery, bigotry, cruelty, dishonesty, hypocrisy and selfishness. (London Times)
...Damn them, they forgot "stupidity" again!

***

WELL YES, IT WOULD, WOULDN'T IT? "Stuffed Duck Explosion Ends Badly"
-- Newton (Mass.) TAB headline

____________________________

The bride, it turned out, was very religious. As soon as she got married, she put a sign above their bed, "I need thee every day."

So the following day, the husband put up his own sign next to hers, "Oh Lord, give me strength."

_____________________________

DDL

A fun-loving copper named Yates,
Sought out bosomy doxies for dates.
He'd say "Put down your gin,
Cause I'm turning you in
For packing concealed 38's,"

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"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month's Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month."
--Dennis Miller

***  

"Congress today conducted an under cover investigation of steroids in baseball. Their conclusion -- the Chicago Cubs are just months away from getting nuclear weapons."
--Craig Ferguson

***  

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is the first full day of spring, and Martha Stewart's already got an ankle bracelet tan line."
--Dave Letterman

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"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."
--Maxine

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An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"

To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."

***  

"You're too good for him." -Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

"No wonder you always go home alone." -Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

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Rotten News....  (true)

March 18, 2005 

DUI charges blamed on chocolates

ST. JOHN'S, Nfld. (CP) - A Newfoundland man convicted for driving under the influence blamed it all on liquor-filled chocolates.

Allen Bottomley, 67, of King's Cove, Nfld., told the judge he'd eaten too many of the sweets before being stopped by police last fall. The judge didn't bite and sentenced him to six months in jail.

Bottomley faced two charges of driving under the influence in separate incidents in September and November of last year.

RCMP said his blood alcohol level was approximately twice the legal limit when he was pulled over on both occasions.

Const. Tony Seaward said Bottomley also had three previous convictions for impaired driving resulting in the loss of his licence for eight years.

Seaward said it doesn't matter how the alcohol is consumed, it's still illegal to get behind the wheel while impaired.

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Woman Finds Freedom Laws Mean No Free Man

Mon Mar 21,10:52 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - When Britain introduced its new freedom of information laws, Angela Wright seized on them as a chance to find an unattached man in uniform.

Wright sent an email to her local police force asking about "eligible bachelors within Hampshire constabulary between the ages of 35 and 49 and details of their email addresses, salary details and pension values," the Guardian reported Saturday.

But police said the names and addresses were personal and exempt from the laws, which came into force in January. They were prepared to tell her, however, that the Hampshire force had 266 eligible bachelors, of whom 201 were in uniform.

"I was amazed that I was told that the information could not be practically released," said Wright, adding she had two reasons for making her request.

"The first was to amuse the (freedom of information) team. The second was to see what response I could get."

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Youth 'Hijacks' Airport Bus to the Airport

Tue Mar 22,11:09 AM ET

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese youth who wanted to go to Tokyo's Haneda airport boarded a bus heading there before threatening to hijack it unless it took him to ... the airport.

The unemployed 19-year-old bought a ticket for the early morning bus Monday. During the journey he stood up and shouted to the driver that he was going to hijack the bus.

The youth was drunk and wasn't carrying a weapon. He was arrested when the driver alerted police and is being held on suspicion of forcible obstruction of business.

"He just wanted to make a scene," a police spokesman said on Tuesday.

Looks like Kuwait after today's sandstorm.....