Subject: Daily Dose - 050413 - hillbillies, BIZARRE NEWS, summoned to
court, DDL, Rotten News
Three hillbillies are sitting around
talking about their wives one day.
First hillbilly says, "My
wife's so stupid, she bought a new washer and dryer and we don't even have
electricity!"
Second hillbilly says, "Aww,
that ain't nothin'! My wife's so stupid she bought a new dishwasher and we
don't have runnin' water!"
Third hillbilly says, "That
ain't nothin'! I looked in my wife's purse yesterday and she bought a whole
bunch of condoms, and she ain't got no dick!"
___________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Newspaper Headlines
[I know I've run newspaper headlines
before, but this is the first time I've seen these!]
Cause of AIDS Found - Scientists
Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
City May Impose Mandatory Time for
Prostitution
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in
One
Kicking Baby Considered to Be
Healthy
Why You Want Sex Changes With Age
Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As
Girls
Cemetery Allows People to be Buried
by Their Pets
Man Held Over Giant L.A. Brush Fire
Antique Stripper to Demonstrate
Wares at Store
Sudden Rush to Help People Out of
Work
Deadline Passes for Striking Police
***
She Had A Sinking Feeling It'd Be a
Bad Day
WESTON, Fla. - Waitress Ana Maria Amaya
was having a bad morning, but it didn't stop her from getting to work on time.
While driving across Alligator
Alley, the highway connecting Fort Lauderdale and Florida's gulf coast, her car
went airborne when she hit another vehicle and landed in a canal. As her car
began to sink, she scrambled to the window's ledge to escape. She managed to
climb out of her sinking car and make her way to the Everglades side of the
canal.
After getting to the canal bank, she
stood dripping in the tall sawgrass, biting her nails and waiting to be
rescued. Some fishermen brought her back to the highway, where she was checked
out by paramedics and taken home.
Instead of taking the day off, Amaya
got a ride a few hours later to the Miami-Dade County restaurant where she
works, arriving on time.
***
Would It Kill Him To Wait A Year?
Yes, It Would!
ROME - Even though his doctors told
him he only has six months to live, Carmelo Cisabella has been informed by an
Italian court that he can return in 14 months to hear the results of his demand
for insurance damages.
Cisabella suffers from an inoperable
spine disease and hopes to win some $596,300 in already-agreed damages from his
insurers to make his final months easier.
Desperate to hurry the process, he
went to the Sicilian courts to pressure the snail-paced insurers, but was told
to come back next year to hear their decision. He became so frustrated that he
chained himself to the gates of the courts to call attention to his situation.
His troubles go back over 10 years
to when he was left paralyzed by a motorcycle accident.
***
What's In A Name?
Jefferson City, Mo. - The "Show
Me State" is about to show a little less.
A Missouri legislator, Sen. Matt
Bartle, believes "travelers in our state are being sent a signal that
Missouri is a porn-friendly state." Bartle has proposed a sin tax for
adult oriented businesses. The bill would make tipping strippers illegal as
well as physical contact between exotic dancers and customers. Anyone under 21
would be prohibited from working at such an establishment and total nudity will
also get banned. A $5 customer charge would be enforced and a 20 percent tax on
revenues for businesses ranging from strip clubs to adult oriented bookstores.
Bartle hopes that the new
stipulations will cut down on juvenile delinquency, prostitution and declining
property values.
***
Norwegian Man Gets Tanked
OSLO, Norway - It's annoying to be
awakened in the middle of the night. It's especially annoying to be woken up by
a Norwegian military tank crashing into your house.
Odin Viken said he felt what he
thought was an earthquake, but in actuality was a tank smashing into his home.
No one was injured, but Viken was quite shaken up.
The tank vehicle was part of NATO
exercises which involved 15 other nations. This accident was not the only one
committed by the tank drivers. Apparently, last week, a 40-ton Leopard tank
flattened a Mercedes-Benz while practicing maneuvers.
You better keep practicing, boys.
_______________________________
A blonde was summoned to court to
appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
"Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the
defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said
the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the
question."
"I object!" the defense
said again.
"No, really," said the
blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the
witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to
object."
So the prosecutor repeated the
question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I
don't know!"
____________________________
DDL
There was a young sailor from Yarrow
Who tried to bung-scuttle a sparrow.
But he failed to succeed
In this dastardly deed,
For the bones of its ass were too narrow.
_____________________________
"Today is "World Water
Day." Now we're looking forward to "Don't Pee in the Pool Month,"
which is in April."
--Jimmy Kimmel
***
"What a beautiful day... isn't
it lovely today in New York City? It's so nice, earlier today I saw a rat going
into Central Park carrying a yoga mat."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Adidas has announced they're
coming out with a "smart" shoe. It costs $250. You know, it's bad
enough we can't afford to drive anywhere, now we can't walk anywhere."
--Jay Leno
***
"A two-headed lamb has been
born in China. Do you know what they would call that in the South? A
double date."
--Jay Leno
***
"Britney Spears has written a
letter to Christina Aguilera to end their feud. I'm not sure if the letter will
work, though, because it starts out with 'Dear Skank.'"
--Conan O'Brien
___________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Hushed rape of Timor
Mark Dodd
March 26, 2005
IT caused outrage among East
Timorese and Australian troops sent to protect them, raised tensions among UN
peacekeepers to a deadly new level and caused senior UN staff to resign in
disgust.
The deployment of Jordanian
peacekeepers to East Timor was probably one of the most contentious UN
decisions to follow the bloody independence ballot. It was eclipsed only by the
cover-up and inaction that followed when the world body learned of their
involvement in a series of horrific sex crimes involving children living in the
war-battered Oecussi enclave.
Children were not the only victims -
in early 2001, two Jordanians were evacuated home with injured penises after
attempting sexual intercourse with goats.
The UN mission in East Timor led by
Sergio Vieira de Mello (who was later killed in Baghdad) did its best to keep
the matter hushed up. The UN military command at the time was only too happy to
oblige.
Today the cry for justice from the
child victims continues to go unheard.
The findings are contained in a
secret report by the UN Transitional Administration in East Timor, a copy of
which has been obtained by Inquirer. It determines that Jordanian peacekeepers
routinely sexually abused young East Timorese boys in return for money and
food. Witnesses interviewed by UN investigators also claim Jordanian
involvement in several alleged rapes of boys and women. The report contains
witness testimony, much of it too graphic to repeat in this newspaper. And it
concludes that, with the help of Indonesian soldiers, Jordanian blue berets
routinely procured the services of prostitutes from across the border in West
Timor.
Not contained in the report are
subsequent claims of an armed stand-off between Australian soldiers and the
Jordanians after a digger blew the whistle on the abuse.
In May 2001 Australian Corporal
Wayne Andrew Wratten, who was working at a fuel depot in the enclave, formally
complained to his superiors of a disturbing series of sexual abuse allegations
involving the Jordanians. Wratten said he had been approached by five East
Timorese boys who claimed Jordanian soldiers had offered them food and money in
exchange for oral sex and intercourse.
UNTAET convened an inquiry but, in
the meantime, details of the allegations had been leaked back to the Jordanians
and tensions were on the rise.
"Wratten informed PKF
[peacekeeping force] that he had been receiving complaints from local children
about Jorbatt [Jordan battalion]," said a senior UN official based in
Oecussi at the time.
"A Jordanian officer in HQ
informed Jorbatt that he had ratted on them. Wratten and his guys manning the
helo [helicopter] refuelling pad in Oecussi town started getting threatened.
There was one occasion where Aussie Steyrs were pointed at Jorbatt and Jorbatt
M-16s pointed at Aussies."
*********
Cheating wife gets millions in
divorce
Friday, March 25, 2005 Posted: 2204
GMT (0604 HKT)
BRIDGEPORT, Connecticut (AP) -- A
judge has awarded the former wife of a multimillionaire businessman a divorce
settlement worth more than $40 million even though she admitted having affairs
with her rock-climbing guide and a man she met on a flight to China.
In addition to a $24 million
payment, Susan Sosin will keep the couple's $3.6 million Manhattan apartment,
$2 million Utah ski house and $800,000 home in Wallkill, New York. But she has
to vacate the couple's two mansions in Connecticut and three desert properties
in Arizona.
In the divorce granted Wednesday,
she also gets to keep $6 million in her brokerage accounts, eight cars and $2.9
million in jewelry, including a ruby piece her husband had bought for her but
hadn't given to her prior to their divorce.
Richard Albrecht, attorney for
Sosin's husband, Howard, estimated the total value of the award at $43 million,
or 27 percent of the estate. She wanted half, he said.
"My opinion is her conduct in
this matter affected the award," Albrecht said.
*********
Runway Scarecrow Machine Lost in
Translation
Wed Mar 23,10:24 AM ET
BEIJING (Reuters) - China imported a
U.S.-made scream machine to scare away the birds at Beijing airport -- except
they didn't recognize the noises and refused to budge.
The bird-dispersing equipment had
recorded the screams of American birds or the sounds of the birds' natural
enemies, the Beijing Evening News said.
"Local birds did not understand
the foreign language," the newspaper said.
So Chinese experts
"translated" the U.S. bird noises into those of their Chinese
counterparts.
"The workers have already
recorded six or seven bird screams which are common in Beijing," it said,
adding that the new scare tactics were undergoing tests.
