Subject: Daily Dose - 050412 - stretching a dime, BIZARRE NEWS, taxidermist, DDL, Rotten News

Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.

The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The  other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Last Words of Men About to Be Executed

As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair, he said to the witnesses, "Well, folks, you'll soon see a baked Appel."

Before Thomas Grasso was given his lethal injection, he complained, "I did not get my SpaghettiOs, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this."

Sir Walter Raleigh said, "So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth." And then he was beheaded.

On his way to the chair, James French said to a newspaper reporter," I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: 'French Fries.'"

Francis Crowley remarked "You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother." Then he was electrocuted.

Just before being hanged, Neville Heath's last request was for a whiskey. "In the circumstances," he added, "you might make that a double."

Said Johnny Frank Garrett before being lethally injected: "I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."

Erskine Childers called out to the firing squad, "Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way."

Jimmy Glass said, "I'd rather be fishing." Then he was electrocuted.

As British serial killer Dr. William Palmer stood on the gallows, he asked the officials, "Are you sure this thing is safe?"

***  

False Alarm Almost Causes State of Panic

HARTFORD, Conn. - A Connecticut official inadvertently entered an emergency broadcast code that sent a message to the public that Connecticut should be evacuated. The false alarm was quickly recalled, but not before televisions across the state Tuesday showed the warning: "Civil authorities have issued an immediate evacuation order for all of Connecticut, beginning at 2:10 p.m. and ending at 3:10 p.m."

Luckily, a mass fleeing of the state didn't ensue, but police reported several calls from concerned citizens.

Officials said a worker at the Office of Emergency Management admitted to entering the "evacuate" code rather than the "test" message.

***

A Shocking Incident

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - A 13-year-old girl was stunned - literally - when police shocked her with a 50,000-volt Taser gun.

The 65-pound girl was being uncooperative after she was taken into custody for fighting with her mother, so an officer hit her twice with the stun gun. She had been handcuffed and placed in a patrol car, but managed to slide her arms in front of her. Police said she ignored requests to put her arms behind her back and started kicking and screaming.

After attempting to subdue her with a neck lock, officer G.A. Nelson used the Taser on her. She was shocked twice before complying and placing her arms behind her back.

State Attorney Harry Shorstein was assured by Sheriff John Rutherford and Undersheriff Frank Mackesy that an internal investigation was being conducted.

***

Recess Rage

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. - A student's violent tantrum ended when police arrested the 8-year-old.

It all started when the unruly learner was informed that he couldn't join the other students for recess. Unhappy with the decision, he began head-butting his teacher and kicking the Rawls Byrd Elementary School's assistant principal.

According to police, the enraged child tossed a chair and over-turned a desk after his teacher and assistant principal attempted to yield the boy from joining the other classmates. He was put in handcuffs and charged with assault and battery and disorderly conduct.

The youth was later released to his parents.

***

Tanks, But No Tanks

FORT SMITH, Ark. - Brandy Shante Moss did want to speak to police about a domestic dispute complaint. So the 19-year-old decided to hide inside a septic tank.

Her hiding place was found by Officer Danny Baker, who stepped on the tank to arrest Moss. The tank suddenly fell on Moss and she was taken to a hospital for her injuries.

Police were responding to a call concerning a man and woman running from a house to an abandoned home. Moss was treated and then charged with suspicion of fleeing apprehension and two counts of third-degree domestic battery.

Also, she was held on warrants for contempt and failure to comply with a court order.

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A lady lived in a small Minnesota town had two pet monkeys that she was very fond of. One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other died of a broken heart.

Wishing to keep them, the lady took them to the taxidermist. The man asked if she would like them mounted.

"Oh, no," she replied, "Just have them holding hands."

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DDL

There once was a lady from France  
Who took a long train ride by chance.  
The engineer fucked her  
before the conductor.  
while the fireman came in his pants.

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did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

***

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with the them.

***

"My wife recently put me on a diet. It is an interesting diet of her own devising that essentially allows me to eat anything I want so long as it contains no fat, cholesterol, sodium, or calories and isn't tasty. In order to keep me from starving altogether, she went to the grocery store and bought everything that had "bran" in its title. I am not sure, but I believe I had bran cutlets for dinner last night. I am very depressed."
--Bill Bryson, I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF  

***  

"Turbulence: This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence." Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water buffalo organs off the windshield."
--Dave Barry

***

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
--Jack Lemmon "

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Rotten News....  (true)

Pole dancing the latest fad

Sun Mar 27,12:17 AM ET 

By Elizabeth Fullerton

LONDON (Reuters) - Silver disco balls spin red lip-shaped lights around the room and Britney Spears' "Oops I did it again" blares as Debbie gives herself a cheeky slap on the left buttock.

In school uniform, suspenders and high heels, she struts confidently around the pole, hooks her leg around it and swings to the ground before rippling back up. Flicking her long hair aside, she pauses to glance over her shoulder at the audience.

But contrary to appearances, Debbie is no pole pro. She's a 42-year-old married banker in London who has just completed a six-week beginners' course in pole dancing at My Pole Dance School in London.

She is one of growing numbers of urban British women -- from bankers and accountants to charity workers and housewives -- who are using poles to get fit and get sexy.

Gyms and pole dancing schools are reporting a huge surge in enrolment, supposedly inspired by model Kate Moss's sultry pole performance in the recent pop video by White Stripes and the film "Closer", in which Natalie Portman plays a stripper.

"It brings out the raunchy side in everyone," says fellow pole apprentice Sam, 29, who works in children's TV by day and frequents fetish clubs by night, a pastime hinted at by her six inch perspex and PVC heels.

"It's a way for people to put the spice back into their marriages," she added. "Unlike an aerobics class, this is something you can take back and share with your man."

In just three years, My Pole Dance School has expanded from classes in a poky room in southeast London to a business with "schools" catering to individuals, hen parties and birthday groups held in night clubs in eight cities around England.

At the start of the six-week course, the women are timid and self-conscious. By the end, they are ordering poles to install at home, snapping up the skimpy outfits sold in packets so small they look like they are for tights, and signing up for the intermediate course.

Some are even talking of going professional.

Some more adventurous men are even taking part. On a recent Saturday, Michael, a former dancer, booked a session with My Pole to celebrate his 36th birthday with a group of 10 friends.

"It's acceptably sleazy. It gives women a chance to bring the slutty side out that they don't get to normally and men the girlie side," said TV producer Barry before slithering down the pole to hoots of laughter from Michael and his friends.

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Fri, Mar 25, 2005

Sex-deprived wife wins divorce case

ROME (Reuters) - An Italian woman whose angry husband refused for 7 years to have sex with her was awarded divorce damages by Italy's high court this week.

Francesco launched his "sex strike" in the early 1990s to punish his wife, Piera, for taking sides against him in a family dispute over money, according to details of the case reported by local media.

They bitterly separated in 2000 and Francesco, still convinced that she was responsible for the broken marriage, refused to make support payments demanded by Italian courts and repeatedly appealed against them.

But the highest court ruled that Francesco's sexual punishment did not fit the crime, and doomed Piera to perpetual frustration.

"The refusal of affection or sexual attention must constitute the blame for the separation," the court ruled.

For Piera, "satisfaction in life (was) impossible .. along with fulfilment of marriage in its deepest sense."

Beyond support payments, Francesco must pay court costs of several thousand euros.

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Like Something Out of a Cartoon...

Wed Mar 23,10:26 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Can't get out of bed in the morning?

Scientists at MIT's Media Lab in the United States have invented an alarm clock called Clocky to make even the doziest sleepers, who repeatedly hit the snooze button, leap out of bed.

After the snooze button is pressed, the clock, which is equipped with a set of wheels, rolls off the table to another part of the room.

"When the alarm sounds again, simply finding Clocky ought to be strenuous enough to prevent even the doziest owner from going back to sleep," New Scientist magazine said Tuesday.

40 foot wave. That looks like fun.....