Subject: Daily Dose - 050411 - pirouettes and Phrrrt, Hey Martha, And Then They Voted, DDL, Rotten News

A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I fart," she cries.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible."The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly.

"That's amazing, do it again."

Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end.

The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do with that?"

"Open the window, it stinks in here for kripes sake."

______________________________

Hey Martha...  (true)

February 3, 2005 

Doctor pulls a Klinger

OSLO, Norway (AP) - A Norwegian doctor called in for military service would have made the malingering Cpl. Klinger of MASH proud.

The doctor rubbed sour cream in his hair, poured sticky liqueur in his shoes, spilled beer on his clothes and sat in a closet smoking 40 cigarettes at once in a bid to convince the military that he wasn't fit mentally for service, the Fredrikstad Blad newspaper reported Thursday.

And just to be sure he looked and felt his worst, he stayed awake for two days before his physical, the newspaper said.

As part of Norway's compulsory military service, veterans, such as the doctor, can be called back for refresher training or longer service.

"I used a made-up life story about how things had gone downhill from being a student in medical school to being down and out," the doctor told the newspaper on condition his name not be published.

It worked, too. He was so convincing that the military doctor alerted the national health authority about the man they had licensed to work as a physician.

An analysis of his records, however, showed that not only was he not insane, but also that he had received high marks from his patients, the newspaper said. Now, the doctor is facing likely disciplinary action from the military and the medical board.

In a letter to the Norwegian Board of Health, obtained by the newspaper, the doctor claimed his behaviour was no worse than that of many patients.

"It is well known that the information a patient gives his doctor seldom is based on reality," the letter said.

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January 20, 2005 

Sex shop conversion fails

PUTNEY, Ky. (AP) - A man whose religious conversion prompted him to turn his adult novelty shop into a Christian bookstore is giving up because of poor sales.

"When you've done all you can do, you turn it over into God's hands," said Mike Braithwaite, who recently put the store and two surrounding hectares up for sale for $55,000 US.

Braithwaite had a conversion in 2002 after he was booked on charges of distributing obscene materials at his Love World store. He decided to burn all the leather gear, rubber playthings and other naughty merchandise and convert his business into a Bible bookstore named Mike's Place. The obscenity charges were dropped.

But Braithwaite said many people from this religious community in eastern Kentucky will not shop in a place that was once an adult novelty store.

Rev. John Ditty, pastor of Harlan Baptist Church, said Mike's Place may be the victim of department stores that can sell Bibles at lower prices.

Braithwaite said he is glad he changed, even if he loses the store.

"What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" Braithwaite asked, quoting a Bible verse.

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And Then They Voted…

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

And then she voted.

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an InDUHvidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific.."

And then he voted.

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

And then she voted.

I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldier's chests. One InDUHvidual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"

And a few years later, he voted.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

And then she voted.

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.  The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

And then they all voted.

I was hanging out with a real liberal friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.  My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"  I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

And then she voted.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.  So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.  She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.  "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

And then she voted.

___________________________

DDL

They use dope in D.C., I swear.
It's obvious to me that they're
Smoking a lot,
And it must be pot.
I know that the joint chiefs are there.

____________________________

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell."
--Joan Crawford

***  

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."
--Unknown

***  

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
--Woody Allen

***  

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."
--Unknown

***

"Talk doesn't cook rice."
--Chinese proverb  

***

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
--Steven Wright

***

"There is never enough time, unless you're serving it."
--Malcolm Forbes

___________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Wis. Man Says Beer Choice Cost Him Job

Fri Feb 11, 5:53 PM ET

RACINE, Wis. - A man may have found out firsthand just how nasty the competition is between the world's two biggest beermakers.

Isac Aguero, 24, said he was fired from his job with a Miller Brewing distributor, the same day a picture appeared in The Journal Times of Racine of him drinking a Bud Light, which is brewed by Anheuser-Busch Co.

The photo, taken Feb. 5, was part of the newspaper's weekly "On the Town" feature, which depicts the city's night life.

Aguero, who had been a forklift operator at CJW Inc. for four years, told the newspaper he was informed by co-workers when he arrived at work Monday that he was in trouble because of the picture.

He said he was called into the general manager's office and told he was fired. Aguero said he was not given a reason and claimed he never had problems with his bosses.

"It was a Saturday and I wasn't at work," he told The Journal Times. "They can't tell me what beverages I can drink.

"Bud Light's my beer of choice, I always drink that. Just because I work there, do I have to change what I drink?"

Thomas Bey, a CJW sales manager, read a statement to The Associated Press Friday and would not answer any questions. He said the company does not publicly discuss past or present employees.

**********

"Gay" penguins spark protest

Fri Feb 11,12:16 PM ET 

BERLIN (Reuters) - A plan by a German zoo to test the sexual appetites of a group of suspected homosexual penguins has sparked outrage among gay and lesbian groups, who fear zookeepers might force them to turn straight.

"All sorts of gay and lesbian associations have been e-mailing and calling in to protest," said a spokesman for the zoo in the northwestern city of Bremerhaven on Friday.

He said the zoo concluded the penguins might be gay after seeing male penguins trying to mate with other males and trying to hatch offspring out of stones.

German media reported that female Swedish penguins would be brought to the zoo to test the theory, but when word got out about the plan, the phones started ringing.

"Nobody here is trying to break-up same sex pairs by force," the zoo's director Heike Kueck told public broadcaster NDR. "We don't know if the three male pairs are really gay or just got together because of a lack of females."

*********

Thu, Jan 20, 2005

Hookers Take Dim View of Bright Lights

BRUSSELS (Reuters) - Antwerp will dim the bright new lights along the Belgian port city's waterfront after prostitutes complained they were putting off potential clients.

"We had some remarks from the prostitutes that there was too much light, both for them and the clients," city council spokesman Jorn Verbeeck said. "We are investigating the possibility of lowering the light there."

Prostitutes complained to city and police officials that the lights installed in December did not give them enough privacy and hurt business, he said.

The port, which tolerates prostitutes in a select few streets near the waterfront, will next week test an electric system to dim the lights, Verbeeck said.

If the test gets the thumbs-up from the city's sex workers, the system will be rolled out across the red light district.

Dumb dog.....