Subject: Daily Dose - 050410 - wedding chamber, Hey Martha, first day of school, DDL, Rotten News

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."

__________________________

Hey Martha....  (true)

February 4, 2005 

Costly cookies

DURANGO, Colo. (AP) — Two teenage girls who surprised their neighbors with homemade cookies late one night were ordered to pay nearly $900 in medical bills for a woman who says she was so startled that she had to go to the hospital.

Judge Doug Walker declined Thursday to award punitive damages, saying he did not believe the girls acted maliciously.

Taylor Ostergaard, 17, and Lindsey Jo Zellitti, 18, baked the chocolate chip and sugar cookies one night last July. They made packages with a half-dozen cookies each and added large red or pink construction-paper hearts that carried the message, “Have a great night” and were signed with their first initials: “Love, The T and L Club.” Then they set off to make their deliveries.

Wanita Renea Young, 49, said she was at her rural home south of Durango around 10:30 p.m. when she said saw “shadowy figures“ outside the house banging repeatedly on her door. She yelled, “Who’s there?” but no one answered, and the figures ran away.

Frightened, she spent the night at her sister’s home, then went to the hospital the next morning because she was still shaking and had an upset stomach.

The teenagers’ families offered to pay Young’s medical bills, but she declined and sued, saying their apologies were not sincere and were not offered in person.

The girls declined comment after the ruling. Taylor’s mother said the girl “cried and cried.”

“She felt she was being punished for doing something nice,” Jill Ostergaard said.

Young said the teenagers showed “very poor judgment“

“The victory wasn’t sweet,” Young said. “I’m not gloating about it. I just hope the girls learned a lesson.”

The teens said they did not answer when the woman called out because they wanted the treats to be a surprise.

***********

February 4, 2005 

Gruesome apartment for sale

OSLO, Norway (AP) - A Norwegian real estate investor tired of glowing but inaccurate property advertisements opted for blunt honesty in offering an apartment for sale.

"Gruesome two-room apartment with balcony," said the advertisement posted on the Finn.no Internet portal this week. "A very worn-out apartment." Some Norwegian real estate brokers exaggerate wildly in their advertisements, describing, for example, a total ruin as a "charming fixer-upper." Or they can try to make the location seem more attractive than it is, such as one house "on a quiet side street." The side street was quiet, but the four-lane super highway on the other side was less so.

Arne Leo Soerlie, a professional real estate investor, said he had wasted so much time because of such advertisements that he wanted to be truthful to spare others the same irritation.

"I've learned to read between the lines, but still end up wasting a lot of time," he told the AP on Thursday. "I wanted people to know what to expect. I'd rather that they found it better than expected."

He said he has rented out the Oslo apartment for five or six years, and that it now needs total refurbishment.

This appears to be a case of honesty being the best policy. Soerlie said he already has an offer on the apartment.

___________________________

It was the first day of school, and the teacher was calling the roll. She came to a strange name. The boy's name was I P.P. Rainwater.

She called it out. When the youngster stood up, the teacher demanded he tell her his real name, or leave her class.

As he was leaving, he looked over at his younger brother and said, "Come on Shithead. She won't believe you either."

___________________________

DDL

Anne went to a good plastic surgeon
To turn her back into a virgin
In order to trick
A rich guy named Dick
To give in to her maternal urgin'

Not only was Dick soon seduced,
The poor bastard was quickly reduced
To a married man's life
With Anne as his wife   
And the fetus he thought he'd produced

The real father, however, was Stan,
And here's a small flaw in Anne's plan:
Alas and alack!
Dick was white, Stan was black
And the baby a rich shade of tan

Was Dick in the least bit dismayed?
Not a bit! He just knelt down and prayed!
He blamed it on God
'Sted of Stan's active rod
And the role that the surgeon had played

Now, you wonder how this will turn out?
What, in fact, the whole thing's all about?
Well, here's news for you:
I'm wondering too -
And a clue without doubt I'm without!

The lady who calls herself Anne
Who hatched this nefarious plan
Pulled more than one trick
On Stan, then on Dick
For Pre-op, this Anne was a man!

But Dick's prayer was answered that night
His revenge upon Anne was a sight
They had the same mother
Making 'Anne' his own brother
(And the baby's a hermaphrodite)

_____________________________

"Did you hear this? Martha Stewart lost 20 pounds in prison. She's become a lean, mean, sewing machine."
--Jay Leno

***  

"There was a big scandal last year with the dog show. A Yorkshire Terrier won the show but then it turned out it was just a blow dried rat."
--Dave Letterman

***  

"In Virginia lawmakers are considering a law banning people from wearing pants that reveal their underwear in a lewd way. Of course you could get by this law by just not wearing any underwear."
--Craig Ferguson

***

"President Bush has proposed an increase the federal tax on airline tickets to pay for additional security. That's great news, so now going to cost you extra to have your wife felt-up at the airport."
--Jay Leno

***

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."
--Benjamin Franklin

_____________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

'Highway of Love' Sex Motels Very Discreet

Mon Feb 14, 8:32 PM ET

By STEVENSON JACOBS, Associated Press Writer

CAGUAS, Puerto Rico - Billboards tout love machines, whirlpools and water beds and a saleswoman pitches an energy drink to help couples through Valentine's Day on Puerto Rico's "Highway of Love."

It's the busiest day of the year on the darkened stretch of road where adventurous couples looking for a discreet and special way to say "I love you" join in a long-cherished tradition among islanders who pride themselves on their passion.

Couples in cars speed into open garages marked with signs like: "junior suite — $25 for eight hours." Uniformed attendants rush over, close the garage door halfway and take a wad of cash from an anonymous outstretched hand.

"You go in, spend a few hours and come out. You don't see anybody and nobody sees you. It's wonderful," said Delfin Romero, a 63-year-old divorcee who used to frequent motels to spice up his marriage.

The road is home to more than a dozen motels with names like "Bambu," "Rainbow" and "The Fountain," all nestled among a throng of tile stores in the otherwise unassuming town of Caguas, about 20 miles south of San Juan, the capital.

"There's a saying here that goes if you're coming to Caguas, you're looking for one of two things: to buy tiles or go to a motel," said a smiling Yvonne Rodriguez, the owner of the 30-room Rainbow motel, one of Caguas' oldest and most respected.

Prices vary from $25 to $65 for a suite with mirrored ceilings and various contraptions advertised as sexual aids. Among them are "love machines" — a kind of sex chair with stirrups that allows the more adventurous to experiment with Kama Sutra-like positions. Some come with dildos attached.

All rooms have an eight-hour time limit, though most clients use less than half that time. A single room can be used by five or more couples in a night.

While the motels guard their clients anonymity, security guards in golf carts roam the properties to ensure a prohibition on illegal drug use, children and parties of more than two.

"We get a lot of famous people here, too," said Cano Alicia, a 38-year-old handyman at the Rainbow. "But it doesn't matter who you are, the same rule applies for everyone: what happens here, stays here."

"Puerto Ricans will come here with their girlfriends, spend a few hours and then go home and make love again with their wives," he said.

While Valentine's Day is the busiest time of year, motels also experience a rush during Christmas, Mother's Day and Secretaries' Day, owners said.

The Rainbow stocked up for a hectic holiday with champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, while the energy drink company, Red Bull, did special promotions at motels "to make sure everyone has enough strength to get through the holiday," said one plucky sales representative handing out drink samples.

**********

Sun, Feb 13, 2005Sun, Feb 13, 2005

Saudi Morality Police See Red Over Valentine Roses

By Dominic Evans

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (Reuters) - Saudi Arabia's morality police are on the scent of illicit red roses as part of a clampdown on would-be St Valentine's lovers in the strict Muslim kingdom.

The Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, Saudi Arabia's powerful religious vigilantes, have banned shops from selling any red flowers in the run-up to February 14.

Florists say the move is part of an annual campaign by the committee -- whose members are known as "mutawwaeen" or volunteers -- to prevent Saudis marking a festival they believe flouts their austere doctrine of "Wahhabi" Islam.

"They pass by two or three times a day to check we don't have any red flowers," said a Pakistani florist in Riyadh's smart Sulaimaniya district. "Look, no red. I've taken them all out," he said pointing to a dazzling floral collection covering every color of the rainbow except one.

"For the last week, we've had no red in the shop," said Ahmed, a flower shop manager. "You can't even have red cards."

Despite the prohibition, demand for the banned roses has been strong and unofficial business was booming, Ahmed said.

"Wait 10 minutes," he told one customer as an assistant slipped into the shadows to collect a bouquet of crimson flowers. At 10 riyals ($2.70) each they were double the usual price. "They would put us in prison for this," he smiled.

Another customer asked if he could deliver 30 red roses to Riyadh's diplomatic quarter, a potentially tricky mission which meant crossing a tight police security cordon. "No problem," Ahmed said. "That's the regular police, not the mutawwaeen."

The government-funded mutawwaeen patrol the streets of Saudi Arabia, particularly Riyadh in the Wahhabi heartland, ensuring women are covered and five daily Muslim prayers are observed.

Shopkeepers who fail to shut down for half an hour during each prayer risk a night in jail if they are discovered.

Despite government calls for them to show greater leniency, and some recent efforts to improve their own image, the bearded volunteers are not universally popular.

"The mutawwaeen are just backward," Ahmed complained. "It's the Saudi women who want these roses anyway."

**********

Fri, Feb 11, 2005

Student Runs Over Driver's Ed Teacher

STONE MOUNTAIN, Ga. - A driver's education instructor was run over by one of her students and pinned beneath the car for 15 minutes, officials said.

Two cars driven by students collided on the DeKalb County Schools driver's education lot, then one of the students backed into Patricia Erwin, running her over.

She was hospitalized Friday in stable condition and underwent surgery for multiple broken bones.

Erwin, 64, who has taught driving for 20 years, was working with the students on a drill that included pulling forward and backing up at slow speeds, said Kal Kelliher, the district's driver's education coordinator.

Fetch boy !!!!