Subject: Daily Dose - 050409 - More Groaners

Time to clear out some more Groaners...

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Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father- and-son chats, lightsabers drawn and sparks flying!

Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face -- "I know what you're getting for your birthday, Luke," he said.

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him. "How do you know what I'm getting for my b-day!?"

Vader shot Luke an icy glare and said, "I felt your presents."

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Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out." They lived in a hollow tree with their mother.

Sometime In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in. Mother skunk told Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she said, "How did you find In so quickly?"

Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."

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Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends. Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied more upon the theories of Carl Jung.

One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive into the sidewalk. Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully.

"Well, what is it?" he snapped.

Max extended his hand and said, "Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually SEEN a Freudian slip."

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Q:Did you hear about the Kuwaiti strip club?  

A:It features full facial nudity!

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Recently, the Chinese newspapers carried stories of a discovery at one of the many archeological digs in that country.

In a cave outside of Beijing, they found a very large cache of eggs that had been buried for over a thousand years. When they finally excavated the eggs, people could not believe they were that old.

Scientists issued a statement to the public explaining the evidence, and saying that one just had to believe the proof. For really, wasn't it just another case of mined ova matter?

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At the typical Christmas dinner, Mom is always yelling, "Get out of my kitchen!"

The grown kids are always yelling at their tiny offspring, "Stop running! You'll break Grandma's furniture!"

Dad is always yelling, "Get out of the way! I can't see the TV set!"

The little ones are yelling, "It's my toy! Let me play with it!"

This is why this is known as the Holler Day Season.

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The president of a big bank fell off a seagoing yacht. While his friends frantically sought a life preserver, a sailor shouted, "Hey, can you float alone?"

"Of course I can," gasped the floundering banker, "but this is a hell of a time to talk business."

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Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows. Therefore, he'd visit them every morning and tell them jokes. The cows laughed and laughed, and they gave excellent milk.

However, the news got around and no one else was much amused.

Thus, his cows became the laughing stock of the community.

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Two hillbillies, Will and Phil Hill, had an old hog named "Abe." They used to holler, "sooo-eee, sooo-eee" to call their beloved mud munchkin.

Then one fine day Will and Phil ate a poison dill. They soon found themselves in a real pickle.

They died and some new hillbillies had to take over where the Hills ended. The new hillbillies used to holler, "sooo-eee, sooo-eee" to call their newfound old oinkster. It never worked though. The pig ignored them.

You see, you can't teach an old hog new hicks.

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One Christmas, Dan and Stan built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture.

A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it.

Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Dan to Stan. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

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I was walking through the forest the first day in January and heard an unusual "barking" sound. Not dog-like, but definitely a bark of some kind.

I carefully crept toward the sound, and suddenly spied an unusual looking rabbit I had never seen before! But when I called the biology department at the university to report my new discovery, they hung up on me!

I guess they just weren't interested in my Yappy New Hare.

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Movie star Henry Fonda was shooting a film in New Orleans years ago when he took a liking to the local spirit called absinthe. He drank quite a bit every evening upon completion of the film's daily shooting.

After several weeks of film making (and drinking), Mr. Fonda started having pains in his chest. He was immediately rushed to the local hospital.  They took his medical history and gave him a full screening of tests.

The diagnosis was that he had an enlarged heart. Since the condition was a new one and of concern, he queried the attending physician.

The doctor responded that his patient shouldn't be surprised about the situation.

"Your condition is obvious," the physician told him, "because absinthe makes the heart grow, Fonda."

For those couples that can't bear to be apart....