Subject: Daily Dose - 050406 - massage, Hey Martha, Hispanic hitch-hikers, DDL, Rotten News

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

"You wanna wank?" she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

___________________________

Hey Martha....  (true)

February 18, 2005 

Caretakers sue boss for forcing them to bare breasts for Koko the gorilla

WOODSIDE, Calif. (AP) - Two fired caretakers for Koko, the world-famous sign-language-speaking gorilla, have sued their former bosses, saying they were forced to expose their breasts as a way of bonding with the 136-kilogram ape.

Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller, both of San Francisco, said they were subjected to sexual discrimination and then wrongfully terminated after reporting health and safety violations at Koko's home in Woodside, Calif., an upscale town in the South San Francisco Bay area.

The lawsuit against the Gorilla Foundation and its president, Francine (Penny) Patterson, longtime trainer of the well-known gorilla, was filed this week in San Mateo County Superior Court. It seeks damages totalling more than $1 million.

Foundation lawyer Todd Roberts said the case mischaracterizes the foundation and turns a "purported employment issue" into publicity "hurtful" for a reputable organization.

"We unequivocally deny these allegations and are confident that this case lacks merit," Roberts said.

Alperin and Keller were hired last year and were among 16 employees of the foundation, which was founded in 1976 to promote the preservation and study of gorillas. It is best known for Koko, who has mastered a vocabulary of more than 1,000 signs; the foundation said she has advanced further in language than any other non-human.

The suit claims Patterson forced the two women on several occasions to expose their breasts to Koko, a 33-year-old female - sometimes in situations where other employees could view their bodies. The women never undressed, said their lawyer, Stephen Sommers of San Francisco.

They were threatened that if they "did not indulge Koko's nipple fetish, their employment with the Gorilla Foundation would suffer," the lawsuit alleged.

The lawsuit claims on one occasion Patterson said: "'Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples."

"You need to see new nipples."'

In addition to the alleged harassment, the two former workers claimed the Woodside facility had unsanitary and unsafe conditions, including rodents in the food-preparation area and gorilla urine stored in the refrigerator where workers kept their lunches.

They complained to the California Division of Occupational Safety and Health and were fired Aug. 6, the day after inspectors visited the site and found code violations, the lawsuit said.

The lawsuit also claims the non-profit failed to pay for overtime and provide rest breaks.

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February 11, 2005 

Dozens of birds get drunk on holly berries, crash into office building, die

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) - Dozens of birds got drunk from eating holly berries, then crashed into the glass of an office building and died.

"It was like an Alfred Hitchcock movie," worker Denise Wilkinson said. "It was spooky. You could hear them where they flew into the glass."

Warm weather and an ample supply of berries attracted hundreds of cedar waxwings into the enclosed courtyard of the three-story building Tuesday.

The birds began getting drunk on the fermented berries. They got so loopy that some were falling off branches and others were slamming into the glass walls that enclose the courtyard, said Burgess Mills, the building's owner.

About half of the 100 birds that slammed into the building died, workers said.

Groundskeepers have tried to help the birds by putting tape on windows or nets over the holly trees to keep them from eating the berries, Mills said.

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Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road. Zeke says to Jake, "Why don't we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you're going to run off the road and hit them"

Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he's had too much to drink and ran right over them. They both said, "Oh well, tough luck", and continued on their way.

A little while later, Jake says to Zeke, "I wonder where those guys were going?"

Without hesitation, Zeke replied, "Florida."

Jake asked him how he knew that and Jakes response was, "Right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches"

__________________________

DDL

Thumbs are OK I suppose,
But Oh, for opposable toes!
It would really be great
When you're out on a date,
And perfect for taking off clothes.

__________________________

"What insight could you possibly hope to gain from a man whose I.Q. wouldn't make a respectable earthquake?"
-Diane Chambers (Shelley Long), CHEERS

***  

"They have luggage stores in airports. Who forgets their suitcase? Have you ever seen a guy with an armload of shirts going, 'Hurray, a suitcase?'"
--Jay Mohr

***  

"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life."
--Jerry Seinfeld

***

"According to the Congressional Budget Office, Social Security will be completely depleted by the year 2052. 2052 - Social Security broke. Once again, I don't think President Bush understands this issue. He said, '2052, that's okay. By then all our old people will already be dead anyway.'"
--Jay Leno

***

The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the head of the training program for a severe reprimand.

"I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss Larson," said the director, glaring over the top of her glasses. "From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll thank you to push his head down between his OWN legs!"

___________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Tue, Feb 15, 2005

Rejection Hotline Real Popular in Detroit

DETROIT - Detroit is a chilly town — in more ways than one.

The Motor City produces the most calls to the Rejection Hotline, a free telephone service that allows uninterested objects of affection to blow off come-ons.

It works like this: You're asked for your telephone number by someone in which you have no interest. You might sound receptive by responding, "248-262-6861."

When that number is dialed, this is what they get: "The person who gave you this number did not want you to have their real number. Maybe the idea of going out with you just seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns . .. Do your best to forget about the person who gave you this number because, trust us, they've already forgotten about you."

The voice is that of Jeff Goldblatt, a 27-year-old Emory University student who developed Rejection Hotline in 2001. It now serves 29 cities in the United States.

The Detroit line has logged more than 1.2 million calls since it was launched last year, making it the most dialed of the 29 hotlines.

Cher Wardlow, who was given the number about a year ago, wasn't amused. "It was mean," said the 30-year-old store manager. "I was kind of insulted. I didn't think I was all bad. I thought he had lot of nerve."

*********

Tue, Feb 15, 2005

Rooster Recording Terrorizes Neighbors

BERLIN - A couple in northern Germany terrorized their neighbors by playing sounds of a rooster crowing in the middle of the night, police said Tuesday.

Sleep-deprived, the neighboring couple reported to police in the town of Wacken three times over the past week, saying the pair in the other half of their semidetached house seemed to have left a rooster in their home while on vacation.

The animal crowed "at an enormous volume" for 20 minutes between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., the couple told police.

Police entered the home Monday and discovered a recording set on a timer to play daily, with the speaker placed directly against the neighbors' wall. The 55-year-old man and his 50-year-old wife, still on vacation, were cited for causing bodily harm and disturbing the peace, police said.

Investigators said the motive was unclear because there was no known strife between the neighbors.

*********

Tue, Feb 15, 2005

Airport Sorry for Clamping Ambulance

By SHAWN POGATCHNIK, Associated Press Writer

DUBLIN, Ireland - Ireland's major airport pledged Tuesday not to clamp any more ambulances — after one was disabled while trying to ferry a seriously injured passenger to a Dublin hospital.

Saturday's clamping of the ambulance at Dublin International Airport made front-page news Tuesday and fanned public anger at clampers in Ireland's capital, where the practice was introduced in 1997. City authorities said this was the first known case of a clamped ambulance.

At the airport, police use clamps to enforce a no-parking rule outside the arrivals entrance and instead require cars to use a nearby multistory parking lot. But on Saturday, an ambulance was clamped even though it was parked in a section reserved for emergency crews immediately outside the entrance.

David Hall, owner of the privately run Life Line Ambulances Ltd., said his company's 18 ambulances had used the airport emergency-parking area for the past six years "all the time" without trouble.

"It's mind-blowing," Hall said. "No inquiries were made about the patient, to find out how acutely ill they were before the clamp was applied."

"The airport police could have easily made a phone call to the owner of the company — me — if there was a problem," Hall said. "You don't just apply a clamp to an ambulance on an experimental basis."

The police also refused to accept the ambulance company's credit card to pay the $82 fine. Instead, paramedics were required to withdraw their own money from an ATM.

Dublin Airport Authority spokeswoman Siobhan Moore said the event was "deeply regrettable."

Moore said police clamped the vehicle because it had remained for about 30 minutes in the emergency area, which was supposed to be reserved for what she called "life or death cases" involving immediate pickups.

But she said airport managers would refund the charge and review policies to ensure that an ambulance wasn't clamped again.