Subject: Daily Dose - 050405 - losing my mind, BIZARRE NEWS, condolence visit, DDL, Rotten News

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!"

The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Things You Didn't Know Had Names

Rowel: the revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs

Columella: the bottom part of the nose that separates the nostrils

Saddle: the rounded part on the top of a book of matches

Ophyron: the space between your eyebrows

Rasceta: the creases on the inside of your wrist

Purlicue: the space between the extended thumb and index finger

Nittles: the punctuation marks designed to denote swear words in comics

Ferrule: the metal band on the top of a pencil that holds the eraser in place

Peen: on a hammer, the end opposite the striking face

Obdormition: when an arm or a leg "goes to sleep" as a result of numbness caused by pressure on a nerve

Keeper: the loop on a belt that holds the end in place after it has passed through the buckle

Armsate: the hole in a shirt or a sweater through which you put your hand and arm

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Digging Up the Past

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. - Resting in peace was not an option for deceased Michael Hendrickson after his girlfriend Karen Stolzmann dug up his cremated remains and took them with her.

Stolzmann, 44, was sentenced to 60 days in jail for stealing his ashes, possibly out of spite for his family.

Hendrickson was 27 when he died in 1992 from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. His relatives discovered last fall that his remains were gone. Beer and cigarettes buried with him were also missing.

Authorities suspected Stolzmann, who had lived with Hendrickson and was with him when he killed himself. Detectives searched her home, finding her hiding in the shower and located the remains in her garage.

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He Shot The Wrong Load

PITTSBURGH, Pa. - How do you explain this one to your parents? A 17-year-old girl was engaging in some obviously bizarre "bedroom activities" when she was accidentally shot by her boyfriend.

She was wounded in the groin when she received a bullet from the .45-caliber handgun and had to be taken to the hospital. Her boyfriend, Timothy Madden, 23, was charged with aggravated assault, reckless endangerment and corruption of a minor.

The incident occurred on Sunday afternoon at Madden's apartment. "They were engaged in some bizarre activities in his bedroom," Ross senior detective and public information officer William Barrett said. "The gun, we believe, accidentally discharged."

***

Car Nabbing Napper

RICHMOND, British Columbia - Mounties found a man sleeping in a car thanks to a passer-by. Upon further investigation the officers discovered a screwdriver in the ignition of the running vehicle.

The Mounties were unable to wake the man while yelling into a bullhorn. After they pounded on the door he woke up and exited the car while it was still in gear. Officers acted quickly and stopped the vehicle before it could roll away.

Now the drowsy desperado faces charges of possessing stolen property and three counts of failing to comply with a probation order.

***

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Naked Nacho Cheese Man

MARYVILLE, Tenn. - Police apprehended a man on his 23rd birthday who was running naked while covered in nacho cheese.

Birthday boy Michael David Monn plead guilty to charges ranging from burglary to public intoxication.

The incident which occurred in July 2004 ended with a plea deal allowing Monn to receive supervised probation instead of the initial three years prison sentence. According to prosecutors Monn was drunk during the time he burglarized a swimming pool snack bar. An officer found him in the pool's parking lot running towards his jeep with stolen goods, a box of snacks and a container of nacho cheese.

After he was caught officers found his clothes and an open bottle of vodka in his vehicle.

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A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died.

When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"

His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"

_____________________________

DDL

I'm afraid one can hardly suppose
A presence as boring as Joe's.
When he's finally led
A girl into bed,
She promptly falls into a doze.

______________________________

"Here's an odd story. Yesterday a painting of dogs playing poker sold at an auction for $600,000. No word yet where exactly it will be placed in the White House."
--Conan O'Brien

***  

"I'm having some trouble with Mom. I need to keep an eye on her all the time. Here's what is going on. She stays up late watching the infomercials and now she's raising alpacas in the backyard."
--Dave Letterman

***  

"The NHL hockey season has been canceled. Fans are disappointed, but the action is expected to save over 3,000 teeth."
--Jay Leno

***

"I'm not making this up. In Switzerland a company is marketing a beer directed at gay people. If you drink too much, you're pulled over by a cop, a construction worker, an Indian, and a cowboy. It comes in a bottle although most guys like it in the can."
--Jay Leno

***

"Jose Canseco says that he introduced steroids to baseball and personally injected Jason Giambi in the butt. He also went on to say that he gave him steroids."
--Conan O'Brien

***

Q: What's the difference between Karate and Judo?

A: Karate is a method of self-defense, and Judo is what bagels are made of.

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Rotten News...  (true)

Thu, Feb 17, 2005

Wrong Chemical Makes Shoes 'Flatulent'

SANFORD, Fla. - There's no tiptoeing around the problem. Call it flatulent footwear.

Customers complained that with every step, their shoes made the sound of someone passing gas.

"They were whoopie cushions for the feet," said Bryan Thomas, an officer with shoe maker Goosebumps Products Inc.

The Orlando-area company on Wednesday sued a supplier, accusing it of delivering the wrong chemical for an insole gel, giving the shoes an unwanted sound effect.

"It very nearly put us out of business," Thomas said.

Goosebumps' largest distributor complained as well, and the company tossed at least 35,000 pairs at a cost of $200,000 to $250,000, said attorneys Robert W. Anthony and William H. Beaver II.

The suit claims Bell Chem Corp. of Longwood delivered a low-grade glycerin that was watered down in late 2002 and early 2003. That caused air bubbles to form inside the insoles, it said.

When people step down on them, the inserts produce "a flatulence-like noise," according to a report by a Goosebumps' chemist, Richard Cavestri.

Bell Chem President John Cervo said the dispute was a matter between his insurance company and Goosebumps.

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Dog Helps Bust Owner on Marijuana Charge

Wed Feb 16, 8:58 PM ET

GRAPEVINE, Texas - The owner of J.D. the Labrador may be wishing his dog weren't such a good retriever. Matthew Porter and two friends were playing Frisbee golf in a park Monday when a police officer who thought he smelled burning marijuana began questioning them.

As the officer was checking for outstanding warrants, J.D. waded into a nearby creek and emerged with a plastic bag containing the drug.

Porter, 25, was charged with possessing drug paraphernalia. Micah Hays, 24, was charged with marijuana possession. J.D. was turned over to the third person at the park, who faces no charges.

J.D. also faces no charges, but may have a new job opportunity.

"People have been asking if we're going to recruit the dog for police work," said Grapevine police Sgt. Todd Dearing.

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Valentine Balloon Blamed for Power Outage

Tue Feb 15, 5:16 PM ET

MISHAWAKA, Ind. - A Valentine's Day balloon caused an electrical outage affecting more than 2,100 homes and businesses, power company officials said.

The outage occurred Sunday night when a heart-shaped metallic Mylar balloon drifted into an electrical substation, said Phil Miller, the general manager of Mishawaka Utilities.

"It said 'I Love You' on it," he said. "It looks like someone didn't hold onto their Valentine's gift tightly enough."

Miller said the balloon, trailing a wet string, drifted into the substation near the University Park mall in the city just east of South Bend.

The string caused a short circuit in a bank of capacitors, which are components that store electrical charges within the city's power transmission network.

"(The balloon) didn't look too pretty when we pulled it out of there," Miller said.