Subject: Daily Dose - 050403 - Give me your hand, BIZARRE NEWS, Screw Up, DDL, Rotten News

The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around  vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"

The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

"Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"

"I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *Give* you anything."

_______________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Confession of a Dangerous (And Rather Stupid) Mind

CHICAGO - This happened right here in my hometown! WKSC-FM (103.5), a Chicago area radio station, hosts a radio confessions show where people typically call and confess to cheating or taking something from work. However, DJ "Drex" was surprised to receive a call from a man who confessed that he and five others robbed a TCF Bank inside a Jewel-Osco store last April.

The caller went on to give specific details of the crime. Unfortunately for him, an FBI employee happened to be listening to the broadcast and recognized details of the robbery.

The employee obtained a copy of the broadcast and traced the call back to a cell phone belonging to Randy Washington, of Dolton, Ill, who was arrested last week.

***

Man Not Charmed By Snake in Toilet

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. - The thick snake sticking out of the toilet only made matters worse for Shannon Scavotto, who was already late for work.

Scavotto had opened the toilet to throw out a tissue when he noticed the unwelcome visitor emerge, wearing the tissue on its head. When he called the city's animal control, he learned the snake expert was on vacation. Scavotto, 30, fashioned a noose out of PVC pipe and string. However, when he grabbed the visitor and pulled the string, the snake kept coming.

About 6 feet later, the tail appeared, and his wife, Beth, had a pillowcase ready.

The couple put the silver and black snake into a barrel brought by Jimmy Shirkey, the maintenance worker who had joined the effort.

Scavotto later learned he had pulled an African rock python from the toilet.

***

The Customer Isn't Always Right

WINNIPEG, Canada - The Halal Meats Centre and Specialty Foods store in Winnipeg had a rather unhappy customer. The customer, who was displeased with a recent purchase, disguised himself with a scarf on his face and demanded a refund.

According to Const. Shelly Glover, "He approached the clerk asking for a refund on products he had purchased previously. When the clerk refused to provide a refund, the male produced a knife and demanded his cash back."

The clerk produced an undisclosed amount of cash and the hostile patron fled. The clerk called the police and they apprehended the suspect at a nearby bus stop.

The suspect was identified as 29-year-old Ishag Ahmed. He faces charges ranging from armed robbery to wearing a disguise with criminal intent.

***

Mother's Rights Go Up In Smoke

BOWLING GREEN, Va. - A Virginia woman plead guilty to smoking around her children which was in violation of a judge's order. The plea from Tamara Silvius was to allow her to avoid any jail time for her violation.

She received the smoking ban as a stipulation on her visitation rights of her two children which she shares custody with her ex-husband. The judge ordered her not to smoke or drink when the children are present.

Now, Silvius contests the smoking ban is a violation of her rights. She's to appear in the Virginia Court of Appeals to argue her case.

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Screw Up!

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says "Come on Willie, we're going upstairs!"

Willie replies "OK - That's one of my favorite things!"

As soon as they get upstairs Ethel grabs Willie and throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard. Willie protests "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way and so do you."

Willie replies "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll loose my job."

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie - that doesn't make good sense!"

Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me 'Willie - You screw up one more time - and you're fired!'"

______________________________

DDL

A golfer, who sought to survive
With grit, determination, and drive,
"Inflation", he'd claim,
"Is affecting my game,
I used to shout 'fore', now it's 'five'".

_______________________________

"The FDA -- the Food and Drug Administration -- has set up a new procedure by which new drugs will be tested and approved in four years. It's called college."
--Craig Ferguson

***  

"My father says, 'Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.' I said, 'Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?'"
--Adam Sandler

***  

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

***

Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office.

The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

***

I'm including this liitle story to show you how important a smile can be.

"(Dr.) Motto had a patient who committed suicide from the Golden Gate in 1963, but the jump that affected him most occurred in the seventies.

'I went to this guy's apartment afterward with the assistant medical examiner,'he told me. 'This guy was in his thirties, lived alone, pretty bare apartment. He'd written a note and left it on his bureau. It said,'I'm going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump.'"

--New Yorker Magazine article, "Jumpers," by Tad Friend

***

A friend of mine is a Police Officer here in town and he mentioned the other day that he actually had pulled Janet Jackson over... I said, "Are you serious? What, was she speeding?"

He said, "Nah, she had a headlight out."

________________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Mon, Feb 21, 2005

Get me to the church on crime

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) - A South African police couple who were planning to get married arrived late for their own wedding after they stopped on the way to church to arrest three armed men holding up a motorist, police say.

Inspector Gustav Myburgh and Constable Barbara Beogner were being driven to their wedding near Johannesburg on Saturday when they spotted a crime in progress, police spokesman Eugene Opperman said.

"He was in uniform, she was in her bridal gear, when they saw a hijacking taking place," Opperman said. "They had to make a decision were they going to church or were they going to help this other person being hijacked. Of course they chose to help."

The pair and a third policeman acting as their wedding chauffeur stopped immediately and confronted the men, who jumped into a truck and sped away. The wedding party gave chase and eventually forced the assailants off the road, arresting three men and confiscating an illegal firearm. They then continued on to the wedding.

"They ended up being 45 minutes late for their own marriage," Opperman said. "There is no doubt they have made all of the police force proud."

************

Swazi king bans pictures of his many cars

Sun Feb 20, 5:07 AM ET 

MBABANE (Reuters) - Swaziland's King Mswati has barred photographers from taking pictures of his growing fleet of royal limousines amid criticism that the luxury car purchases are an embarrassment to one of Africa's poorest countries.

Mswati stirred up a storm in December when he bought a new $500,000 (264,000 pounds) DaimlerChrysler Maybach 62 -- one of the most expensive cars in the world -- and recently hit the headlines again when he splashed out for new BMWs for each of his 10 wives.

The royal edict barring photos of the cars came after Mswati appeared in an even newer and more expensive stretch Mercedes S600 limousine for the opening of parliament on Friday. Stunned photographers swarmed to get a photo of the new royal car but were quickly blocked by security guards, the Times of Swaziland reported on Sunday.

"You may not take pictures of the King when he alights from his car," a written royal decree said.

The 36-year-old king, sub-Saharan Africa's last absolute monarch, has run into flak for extravagant spending despite the fact that his tiny, impoverished kingdom suffers frequent food shortages and one of the world's highest AIDS infection rates.

Mswati was forced to shelve plans three years ago to spend $45 million on a new royal jet, but has shown little inclination to rein in other royal spending projects which include a $15 million project to build individual new palaces for his growing retinue of wives.

"The king's latest acquisition has been kept as a top secret within the royal family following the criticism he got after buying the luxurious Maybach 62," the Times of Swaziland said.

***********

'Crazy Frog' Ring Tone Set to Be a Single

Thu Feb 17, 1:11 PM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - The "Crazy Frog" mobile phone ringtone -- loved and loathed in equal measure in Britain -- is to be released as a pop single.

Television adverts plugging the "tune," featuring an animated frog wearing motorcycle helmet and goggles, with a broad smile and a visible tiny penis, have made it a huge success. The tone has been downloaded a million times.

"You either love it or hate it -- there's no in between," said BBC Radio 1 DJ Wes Butters, one of a group of DJs and producers who have formed the group "Pondlife" to release the song.

The TV spots have prompted several complaints to the Advertising Standards Authority from viewers who object to their frequency and to the frog's genitalia.

The ad has, however, been ruled acceptable by the Authority. Whether the single will be deemed acceptable by the public when it is released in April is an open question.

Gutter fishing....