Subject: Daily Dose - 050330 - newly born sperm, THIS is TRUE, Civil War, DDL, Rotten News

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm. She will answer, 'I'm the Egg. From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

__________________________

THIS is TRUE.....

WHAT, NO TIP? A restaurant owner in Calais, Maine, was suspicious when a diner said he was having a heart attack. The man hadn't shown any difficulty before his bill arrived, so the restaurateur called an ambulance and the police. Elias I. Elias, 54, "has 18 convictions" for similar thefts, said the Washington County District Attorney. Elias's court-appointed counsel, Jeffrey Davidson, explained his client's motivation this way: "Even if he didn't have dignity, he wanted to feel like he did." Elias was sentenced to 90 days in jail. (Bangor Daily News)
...And, as usual, someone else is picking up the tab.

***

ADDING FUEL TO THE FIRE: Police in Glendale, Calif., say Juan Manuel Alvarez, 25, splashed gasoline on and in his car and then parked it on a railroad track just as a commuter train was to pass. The train jumped the track and smashed into two other trains, killing 11 people and injuring nearly 200. Alvarez, who was standing outside his car and watched the wreck unfold, told officers that he was trying to commit suicide, but the excuse didn't jibe with investigators, who determined it was an attempt to get attention. "This was a deliberate act perpetrated by Alvarez to gain sympathy from his wife," says Glendale Police Lt. Jon Perkins. Deaths resulting from a criminal act are murder, and in California multiple murders triggers "special circumstances," so prosecutors are seeking the death penalty. (Los Angeles Times)
...So assisted suicide is less an excuse for a prior act, and more a prediction for a future event.

***

HERE KITTY KITTY: Three men coming home from dinner in the mountains above Boulder, Colo., saw an injured animal in the road. They stopped and picked it up, deciding to take it to a veterinarian. "It looked up as if to say, 'Help me'," said Jason Lee Laird, 21, who decided the animal was a lynx or a bobcat. The cat filled the entire back of the Jeep they were driving, and on the way down the hill they spotted a sheriff's deputy and flagged him down. The deputy was shocked to find a 65-lb. mountain lion cub in the Jeep and called in the Dept. of Wildlife to take care of it. Then Deputy Jeff Canton turned to another matter: he told Laird he smelled marijuana. Laird offered that perhaps that was the smell of mountain lion urine -- maybe the cat peed in the Jeep? "Mountain lions don't smoke marijuana," Canton replied, and cited Laird for drug possession. A DOW spokesman said it may be the largest mountain lion ever rescued by civilians in the state, and that the men were lucky to be alive. The cat was not as lucky: its injuries were so severe it had to be put down. (Boulder Daily Camera)
...DOW officers were surprised to find the cat very docile, addressing them as "Hey, mannn."

***

STAR SEARCH: The defense's witness list for Michael Jackson's sex abuse trial has been released, and it includes a plethora of singers, actors and other notables: Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Jay Leno, Quincy Jones, Kobe Bryant, Larry King, Deepak Chopra, Stevie Wonder and more were on the 350-name list. (Los Angeles Times)
...Stevie Wonder is particularly upset at being named. "Yeah I was there," he admits. "But I didn't see anything!"

***

AN AUTOMATIC FAIL: "Student Runs Over Driver's Ed Teacher"
-- AP headline

____________________________

Early in the Civil War, when the Union armies were suffering repeated defeats, Abraham Lincoln was discussing the war situation with his cabinet.

"How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?" a cabinet member asked.

"About a million and a half," said Lincoln.

"That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was considerably less."

"So did I," said Lincoln, "but every time one of our generals lose a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to one - and we have about 500,000 men."

______________________________

DDL

There once was a fellow named Sweeny,
Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
Not being uncouth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped to his girl a Martini.

______________________________

"Today President Bush had a meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The meeting had two translators, and they still had a rough time. Mainly trying to figure out the translation for "okie dokie."
--Conan O'Brien

***  

"According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to live a healthier lifestyle."
--Jay Leno

***  

"Running...people think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run...you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?"
--George Carlin

***

"My father says, 'Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.' I said, 'Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?'"
--Adam Sandler

***

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
--Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Computers

___________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Dutch firm offers to break hearts

Tue Feb 22,12:13 PM ET 

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - The delicate problem of how to dump a lover before moving on to the next one has been given a new twist by a Dutch Web site.

The site suggests women tell their partner they want a baby and men buy their girlfriend underwear that's too big.

But instead of just helping people give lovers the elbow, the site sells holidays -- working on the assumption that people want to go away for a fling without the shackles of a loved one at home, Dutch communications company Young Works said.

Some 180,000 people have visited www.dumpjeschatje.nl since it was launched on Monday, it said.

The site also provides two downloadable documents with blanks left for names -- one a curt business-style letter, the other a scathing poem -- to end relationships in writing.

*********

February 22, 2005 

Pen spring shuts down subway

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) — A spring from a ballpoint pen has been blamed for recently halting service on Bangkok’s fledgling and troubled subway system, officials said Tuesday.

The five-centimetre coil apparently blew into a subway tunnel and atop a signalling box on the tracks, triggering an alarm that stopped trains on the line, said Praphat Jongsanguan, who heads the Mass Rapid Transit Authority of Thailand.

Service was halted on one line and disrupted elsewhere along the 24-kilometre-long system for about a half-hour Sunday.

Investigators were looking into how the coil came to be lodged on the signalling box, he said.

About 150,000 passengers have been using the subway during each work day, thus avoiding Bangkok’s traffic-clogged streets. Planners had targeted usage at 300,000 a day.

*********

U. of Mich. Offers Clean-Room Bonuses

Tue Feb 22, 3:30 PM ET

ANN ARBOR, Mich. - Some University of Michigan students are cleaning up their acts in more ways than one.

They are getting $100 cash payments for keeping their dorm rooms presentable and opening their doors so prospective students and their parents can take a look during campus visits.

Among the 18 students participating in the tour program are sophomores Aaron Bennick and Eric Romain, engineering majors who have loft beds that fit over their desks, a clean beige love seat with light-blue pillows, two refrigerators and a bookcase filled with laundry supplies and food.

"Last semester, the room was not as neat," Bennick said. "My dad asked me if I was sure I was going to be able to do this."

Participants must let tour groups see their room in the middle of the day, and have to be out of bed and dressed, said Randi Johnson, the university's housing outreach coordinator. Display of anything illegal, offensive or banned is forbidden.

The program is not available to everybody who wants in. Roommates Natalie Wowk and Adele Coehlo applied to be in the program but say they never got a response.

"They probably thought no amount of money could improve this room," Coehlo said.

Bad incentive....