Subject: Daily Dose - 050329 - return as a hen, BIZARRE NEWS, turbulence,
DDL, Rotten News
Tom did like he always does, kissing
his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up
with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in
my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your
bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in
heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead?
I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me
back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said
St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your
own."
Tom thought about it for a while,
and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice
and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a
hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found
himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his
rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen
St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a
hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels
like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the
rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom
asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push
all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more
than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That
felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better
believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he
clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake
up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"
__________________________
BIZARRE NEWS
Bizarre Facts About the 1500s
Most people got married in June
because they took their yearly bath in Mary and still smelled pretty good.
However, they were starting to smell, which is why brides carried a bouquet of
flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub of hot
water. The man of the house had the nice clean water, then, all the other sons
and men, then the women and, finally, the children. By then, the water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bathwater."
Houses had thatched roofs - thick
straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the dogs, cats, and other small animals lived in the roof.
When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slide off
the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things
from falling into the house. Bugs and other droppings could really mess up your
clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded
some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
Sometimes folks could obtain pork,
which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up
their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring
home the bacon."
Those with money had plates made of
pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the
food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to
status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or
whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
burial. The person would be laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
and the family would gather around and wait to see if he or she would wake up -
hence the custom of holding a "wake."
***
Birthday Suit Required
NEW YORK - Patrons at a nice
Manhattan restaurant arrived for dinner and took off their winter garb. But
they didn't stop there. Shirts, pants, underwear and stockings all landed in
plastic bags as the diners undressed for the monthly "Clothing Optional
Dinner."
About 30 people showed up for
February's nude dinner, most of them middle-aged, some married couples, and
singles. The only rule is that diners must bring something to sit on - a towel
or perhaps a silk scarf.
"It's exciting to be in a
restaurant nude," said George Keyes, 65, a retired junior high school
English teacher.
Keyes, a lifelong nudist, came
adorned in a necklace, earrings and a black leather "genital
bracelet" with red studs.
Oh yeah, and white sneakers.
***
Legal Stink Over Flatulent Footwear
SANFORD, Fla. - There's no stepping
around this problem. With every step, customers said their shoes released the
sound of someone passing gas.
"They were whoopee cushions for
the feet," said Bryan Thomas, an officer with shoe maker Goosebumps
Products Inc.
Goosebumps sued a supplier, accusing
it of sending the wrong chemical for an insole gel, giving the shoes the
unpleasant sound effect. The company had to toss at least 35,000 pairs at a
cost of $200,000 to $250,000.
The lawsuit claims Bell Chem Corp.
delivered a low-grade glycerin that had been watered down, causing air bubbles
to form inside the air soles.
***
Being Punctual - A Matter of Life or
Death
NORTH PORT, Fla. - It is important
to be on time for work. In some cases it may even save your life.
According to police, a man became so
angry with his grout workers when they arrived seven hours late for work that
he opened fire on their truck.
Agron Henci claimed it was in
self-defense when he shot at the truck because he felt threatened after he
argued with the tardy workers. Henci said that the crew was to arrive at nine
in the morning to begin but they didn't make it until almost four in the
afternoon.
Police said that after the argument
Henci retrieved his gun and fired. He now faces two counts of attempted murder
charges.
***
Now That's a Retriever
GRAPEVINE, Texas - J.D. the Labrador
retriever and his owner were enjoying a game of Frisbee golf with two friends
when police arrived at the scene. Officers stopped to investigate what they
detected as the smell of burning marijuana.
They questioned and checked the men
for outstanding warrants. Meanwhile, J.D. retrieved a plastic bag which
contained pot and carried it to the officers.
The dog's owner, 25, was charged
with possession of drug paraphernalia. One friend was charged with marijuana
possession and the third member of the trio wasn't charged.
He did however get to take J.D.
home.
__________________________
A business man was aboard the redeye
when turbulence shook the plane, causing the flight attendant to spill hot
coffee in his lap.
"I'm so sorry, sir" she
said "Are you all right?"
"Yes, I think so," he
replied. "But tell me, was that regular or decaf?"
"Regular."
"Just my luck," he moaned.
"Now it's going to be up all night."
___________________________
DDL
A forward young fellow named Tarr
Had a habit of goosing his Ma;
"Go pester your sister,"
She said when he kissed her,
"I've trouble enough with your Pa."
___________________________
"President Bush met with the
king of Belgium this morning. The meeting got off with a rocky start when
President Bush said, 'I love your waffles.'"
--Craig Ferguson
***
"Here's one of the reasons to
love New York City, one of those things that only happens here. This week a
restaurant here was featuring a clothing-optional dinner. You go in and eat
naked...just like home.
--Dave Letterman
***
"The rain just won't stop here
in California. We have had thirty-two inches of rain so far. Thirty-two inches!
Oh, my God. Has anybody seen Gary Coleman?"
--Jay Leno
***
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave
their legs?
A: So they won't be mistaken
for feminists.
***
"Ignorance is the mother of
admiration."
--George Chapman
***
"What am I supposed to do with
this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said,
"when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
______________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Two Policemen Rewarded for
'Integrity'
Wed Feb 23,11:40 AM ET
KAMPALA (Reuters) - In an effort to
boost morale among Uganda's ill-paid and often corrupt police force, the
government has rewarded two officers who declined bribes and fought off robbers
trying to steal exam papers.
Education Minister Namirembe
Bitamazire gave the two constables 500,000 shillings (about $300) for standing
up to the thieves, who targeted a store holding secondary school papers in
central Luweero district, newspapers reported Wednesday.
The state-owned New Vision said the
four robbers first tried to bribe the policemen guarding the store, but when
that failed produced weapons and tried to steal the tests at gunpoint.
The policemen arrested one of the
robbers at the scene and the others fled -- but were later arrested.
"These officers showed a high
caliber of integrity. They refused a bribe and stood up to the thieves,"
an official from the Uganda National Examination Board told the New Vision.
Uganda's police force is poorly
paid, and junior officers often demand bribes to overlook minor traffic
offences.
The robbery attempt took place in
November, days before students were due to sit their exams, the paper said, and
the policemen received their reward Tuesday.
*******
February 22, 2005
Wanted: A better getaway driver
after liquor store armed robber run over
EDMONTON (CP) - Police were looking for a limping robber Tuesday after a
suspect in an armed robbery was clipped by his own getaway vehicle.
Police said the knife-wielding
suspect grabbed cash and beer from a northeast Edmonton liquor store Sunday
night and was running toward a van when he was hit.
Witnesses said he slipped under the
van and it ran over his leg.
The man managed to pull himself out
from under the vehicle and climbed inside.
The suspect is about 40 years old
and was wearing a black toque.
*******
Japanese students can't place
N.Korea
Wed Feb 23, 3:08 AM ET
TOKYO (Reuters) - North Korea has
menaced Japan with missiles, kidnapped its citizens and stands between it and a
place in the soccer World Cup finals, but one in four Japanese high-school
students can't place the country on a map.
Only 76 percent of high school
pupils in a survey by an academic body could locate the reclusive communist
state, despite a daily bombardment of news about it in the Japanese media.
As for Iraq, where Japan has some
550 soldiers in one of the country's most controversial overseas deployments
and where a Japanese was beheaded by kidnappers, over 40 percent of university
students and high-school pupils couldn't find it.
"While students are interested
in the news, they don't see it as important to know where the countries
are," said Yumiko Takizawa, a geography professor at Teikyo University who
ran the survey for the Association of Japanese Geographers.
"Inter-dependence and links
between countries are ever more important," Takizawa said. "It's
clear that an education system that teaches a proper knowledge of the world is
needed."
The survey polled 3,773 students at
25 top universities and 1,027 high-school pupils at nine schools across Japan.
They were handed a world map with 30
numbered countries and asked to write the number corresponding to 10 countries
that have recently featured regularly in the news.
It wasn't only small countries that
didn't register, however.
Takizawa said that some students
couldn't find the United States and located it in China, Brazil or the central
African state of Congo.
