Subject: Daily Dose - 050328 - bruised testicle, BIZARRE NEWS, Calling Cards, DDL, Rotten News

A man came home from watching a rugby match between Ireland and France.

He young son welcomed him home saying, "How was it, Dad?"

"It was terribly violent, son. In the break, the Irish skipper came off the filed with a bruised testicle!"

"Oh, he must have been in such pain!"

"No, no, laddie. It belonged to one of the Frenchmen."

_________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Personal Ads

[From MAD Magazine]

Occult-Vegetarian-Ambidextrous-Truck-driving Republican juggler wishes to meet woman of similar interests.

Undercover Espionage Agent - 29 - would like to meet nice woman 18-30 for romantic, lasting relationship. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

Handsom, but not wealthy gentleman can only afford a 5 line personal add. I'm a smart good-looking nice guy who'd like to meet pretty, sensitive woman. call me at...

Idiots need love too - If you enjoy walking into movies after they've started, throwing out good furniture and locking your friends in closets, we already have three things in common! Let's get together and find out how many other negative personality traits we share.

Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditors, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed.

Compulsive Liar - Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar chateau on the French Riveria.

Man, Nonsmoking, Nondrinking, Noneating, Nonbreathing. Actually, I'm dead. I need someone to bury me.

Seeks SWF to tell me what SWF means.

Large Woman Seeks Larger Man - So I will look smaller in comparison. Photos a must.

***  

Ambulance Gets the Boot

DUBLIN, Ireland - An ambulance received a boot while waiting to take a seriously injured man to the hospital.

The incident occurred at the Dublin International Airport when the police there used the boot, known as a clamp in Ireland, to enforce the no-parking policy outside the airport's arrivals entrance.  The ambulance was parked in a section that is clearly reserved for emergency vehicles.

To make matters worse, the paramedics had to pay for the boot's removal with their own money because police wouldn't accept the ambulance company's credit card.

According to a spokeswoman for the Dublin Airport authority the situation was "deeply regrettable," but the vehicle was parked in the reserved space for over 30 minutes when it's for "life or death cases."

Hello, it's an ambulance!

***

Better Late Than Never?

You can never depend on the postal service to deliver anything on time. A German postal staff, however, has seen to it that a postcard addressed to Adolf Hitler has arrived at its destination, despite the Nazi leader being dead for 60 years.

The postcard, sent from England, was addressed to "Fuehrer Adolf Hitler, Reichstag, German Parliament, Berlin, Germany", from an undisclosed address. Deutsche Post wrote on the card that the address was wrong and the sender should be informed. The letter was stamped with, "Mail corrected due to insufficient address - please alert sender. Ascertained address: Deutsche Bundestag, 11011 Berlin."

The post office claims the delivery of the postcard is evidence of the service's good work.

***

Woman Gets Drunk - On Listerine

ADRIAN, Mich. - Carol Ries, 50, rear ended another vehicle that was stopped at a red light. After police arrived, they suspected that Ries was driving under the influence. The police recovered a bottle of Listerine mouthwash from her car.

She pleaded guilty to charges of driving drunk on three glasses of the mouthwash.

She did pass one breath test, but failed another when different equipment was used. Her blood alcohol level was determined to be .30 percent, which is more that three times the legal limit.

Ries received two years probation for the incident. She can also boast the distinction of having the freshest breath.

***

Couple Falls 'Fowl' of Noise Ordinance

BERLIN - The peace in Berlin has been disturbed by a German couple who set up a loudspeaker and timer with the sound of a crowing cock to blast their neighbors every morning. However, the couple didn't have to listen to the daily crowing because they went on vacation!

After receiving complaints, police obtained a warrant to enter the house and found the gear with the speakers aimed at the neighbors and rigged to a timer.

"The apparatus switched on between 2 and 4 o'clock in the morning and produced a cock crowing at an enormous volume. This would last for 20 minutes with breaks in between," police said.

When the couple returns home, they'll find their equipment gone and that a charge of bodily harm and disturbing the peace has been issued to them.

___________________________

Calling Cards

One spring morning, my husband and I were in the garden looking at the flowers he had just planted. As luck would have it, a bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.

When I showed my husband, he didn't miss a beat and said, "You know, dear, they sing for most folks."

__________________________

DDL

Illegal nude dancing is swell.
It's cool and the tips help as well.
But avoid cops because
Being picked up by the Fuzz
Has got to be painful as hell.

___________________________

"Congress may pass a law that would result in TV networks that broadcast indecency being even stiffly penalized. In fact, it is going to cost us 500 more bucks because I said stiffly penalized."
--Craig Ferguson

***  

"Right now President Bush is in Europe, he's in Germany, and he stopped in Frankfurt and he got off the plane and he electrified the crowd with 'Ich Bin ein frankfurter.'"
--David Letterman

***  

"An Australian company says they plan to use kangaroo dung to make stationary and other paper products. That's something to think about the next time you decide to lick that envelope."
--Jay Leno

***

"Up in San Francisco a 30 year female San Francisco middle school teacher was caught naked in a car with a 14 year old boy. Did you hear her excuse? She said due to all the budget cutbacks they had to combine Sex Education with Driver's Ed."
--Jay Leno

***

"Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation."

(or opportunity...)

______________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Thu, Feb 24, 2005

Court: Man Can Sue Over Surprise Pregnancy

By CARLA K. JOHNSON, Associated Press Writer

CHICAGO - A man who says his former lover deceived him by getting pregnant using semen obtained through oral sex can sue for emotional distress — but not theft, an appeals court has ruled.

Dr. Richard O. Phillips accuses Dr. Sharon Irons of a "calculated, profound personal betrayal" six years ago, but she says they had the baby through sexual intercourse.

The Illinois Appeals Court said Wednesday that Phillips can press a claim for emotional distress after alleging Irons had used his sperm to have a baby, but agreed that however the baby was conceived, Irons didn't steal the sperm.

"She asserts that when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift," the decision said. "There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request."

Phillips, a Chicago family doctor, alleges that he and Irons never had intercourse during their four-month tryst, although they had oral sex three times. His suit contends that Irons without his knowledge kept some of his semen.

The relationship ended, the suit said, when Phillips learned Irons had lied to him about being recently divorced and was still married to another doctor.

Irons, who practices internal medicine in suburban Olympia Fields, said in a telephone interview Thursday that Phillips knew she was still married during their affair, and also knew she was pregnant with his child.

"He was very supportive and very happy about it," she said. "He said, `You need to hurry up and get your divorce.'"

He promised to marry her and asked her to quit her job, she said, but several days before her last day at work, Phillips informed her that he "couldn't go through with it."

Nearly two years after their affair, Irons filed a paternity suit and Phillips was ordered to pay $800 a month in child support, said Irons' attorney, Enrico Mirabelli.

Phillips then sued Irons, claiming her actions caused him nausea and headaches and robbed him of sleep and his appetite. He is haunted by "feelings of being trapped in a nightmare," court papers state.

The appeals court ruling followed a decision by a lower court judge who dismissed Phillips' suit in 2003.

**********

Burglars Summon Police When They Lose Keys

Thu Feb 24,12:42 PM ET

COPENHAGEN, Denmark - When two Danish burglars realized someone had stolen the keys to their getaway car, they reacted like honest citizens and called the police.

Police said they were only too happy to help, and arrested them after they confessed to breaking and entering.

The men, identified only as an 18-year-old and a 20-year-old, broke into a summer cabin late Wednesday near Kaldred, 90 kilometers (55 miles) west of capital Copenhagen.

As they carried their haul to the car, they were confronted by a passer-by, who witnessed the break-in and insisted that they return the stolen property.

To ensure they couldn't get away, the passer-by took the keys from their car, and refused to return them.

"The two young men then called us and said they needed our help getting their keys back," Chief Superintendent Asger Larsen said on Thursday.

He said the two realized that without the keys, they would have to leave their car at the scene, which would put the police on their trail and lead to their arrest anyway.

"It's a pretty straightforward case for us, since this time, the thieves actually reported the robbery," Larsen said.

He declined to release the names of the suspects or the passer-by.

*********

Children wed dogs to 'ward off evil'

February 24, 2005

NEW DELHI: Two small boys and two girls were married off to four puppies by tribal villagers in the northern Indian state of Jharkhand to ward off evil.

Local officials in Kuluptang village in Jharkhand said the "kukur vibaha" or dogs' marriages, were organised on the last day of a local tribal festival, the Press Trust of India news agency said.

One of the tribals, 54-year-old Sonamuni, who blessed the marriage of her three-year-old grand-daughter Priya, said the wedding was no less important than other such ceremonies and all customs normally associated with marriage were followed.

The mother of "groom" Durga, aged one, said that if the first tooth of a baby came out in the upper jaw it was considered "inauspicious" for the child as well as the family and dog marriages had to be performed.

After a bath in a nearby river, the children are taken to a place of worship in a procession accompanied by a band.

Neighbours and relatives of the four children danced to music performed by the band before the marriages were solemnised with puppies of the opposite sex, the report said.

AFP

*****

Concussions kept Tintin forever young

By David Ljunggren

OTTAWA (Reuters) - Comic book hero Tintin never aged during his 50-year career because the repeated blows he took to the head triggered a growth hormone deficiency, according to an analysis in the Christmas edition of a Canadian medical journal.

Claude Cyr, a professor of medicine at Quebec's Sherbrooke University, said a study of the 23 hugely popular Tintin books showed the intrepid Belgian reporter suffered 50 significant losses of consciousness during his many adventures.

"We hypothesize that Tintin has growth hormone deficiency and hypogonadotropic hypogonadism (a disorder of the pituitary gland) from repeated trauma. This could explain his delayed statural growth, delayed onset of puberty and lack of libido," Cyr wrote.

His article was in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, which has a tradition of publishing studies into the ailments of fictional characters in its Christmas edition.

In 2000 the Canadian Medical Association Journal caused something of an uproar by revealing that Winnie the Pooh's continuous search for honey was caused by obsessive compulsive disorder, Piglet needed anti-panic medication, while Eeyore was massively depressed.

Another study surmised that Beatrix Potter's ever energetic Squirrel Nutkin character was in fact autistic.