Subject: Daily Dose - 050323 - no toilet paper, BIZARRE NEWS, magic lump of meat, DDL, Rotten News

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, proceeds to the washroom an barley gets his pants down before squirting out a couple quarts of diarrhea.

When he was finally finished, he looked around and noticed to his horror there was no toilet paper. A sign on the wall said: "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your ass with your index and middle fingers then stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and he was not going to do it, but after so long of sitting there without a solution he decided to do it. So he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them in the hole.

His fingers are immediately smashed between to bricks.

"Arrrggghhh!" he screamed, then he shoved his fingers in his mouth.

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Foreign Mistranslations into English

In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.

On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire: If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

A temple in Bangkok: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

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A Wife By Any Other Name...Not As Sweet

AMMAN - An online romance between a Jordanian man and woman came to a screeching halt when the pair discovered they were husband and wife.

Separated for several months, the couple both began seeking an Internet chat room to find new loves. They had no idea that they would find each other. Bakr Melham, who went by the name Adnan, fell in love with a woman who called herself Jamila. He was in for a big surprise to realize that Jamila was actually his wife Sanaa.

The pair talked for three months in cyberspace before making wedding plans. They decided to finally meet in person near a bus depot, but discovering their true identities was too much for the pair.

Bakr shouted at Sanaa, "You are divorced, divorced, divorced" - the traditional manner of officially ending a marriage in Islam.

Sanaa called him a liar and then fainted.

***

There's No Place Like Someone Else's Home

SHAKER HEIGHTS, Ohio - Police in Shaker Heights had to deal with a case unlike any others - that of a stolen house.

According to officers, owner Jon Thomas returned to his parent's residence to discover strangers living inside.

Thomas' parents had moved to an assisted living center back in 2000, and Thomas discovered the new residents right before Christmas of 2003. After reporting the stolen house to police, it took a year of investigation before authorities busted Richard Lenard on a charge of grand theft.

Police said they never handled a case like this one before. Lenard's attorney suggests that Lenard was a victim of fraud, believing he had purchased the home from the rightful owner.

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Taking the Bite Out of Crime

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - Police in Stockholm report that a man broke into a southern Sweden hospital's cafeteria.  When he couldn't find anything of value he took off but left a memento behind.  Investigators found the burglar's false teeth which had his social security number engraved in them.

All it took was matching the corresponding name to dental records to identify the toothless bandit.  Police then questioned the man who confessed once he saw they had his ivories.

What was he going to do? He obviously couldn't lie through his teeth.

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McDonald's Customer Wasn't Lovin' It

HOLLAND, Mich. - A man received a $600 fine and probation for misdemeanor assault and battery with an Egg McMuffin.

Scott Rodgers, 46, was at a McDonald's restaurant with his six-year-old ordering four Egg McMuffins with ham but when he didn't receive what he ordered he returned to the service window to complain. When the restaurant manager asked for the wrong sandwich back, he threw it at her.

Not only does Rodgers face the fine and probation, he was also sentenced to three days in a work program and a ban from McDonalds.

His attorney argues that Rodgers didn't throw the sandwich, he returned it quickly.

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A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, "Good God give me some food!"

As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up... There was a leper painting the ceiling.

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DDL

They say that ex-president Taft
When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
And said, "I'm not sore,
But although he called "Fore'
The place where he hit me was aft."

________________________________

"I grew up Catholic, but I hated nuns. When I was a little girl, I used to dress my Barbie in a nun's habit so she could beat the hell out of Skipper and not get in trouble for it."
--Brynn Harris

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"Kirstie Alley's new show "Fat Actress" starts next week. "Fat Actress", that's the name of the show. So if you haven't done it, now is the time to buy a widescreen TV."
--Craig Ferguson

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"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld

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"As I'm sure you know, Prince Charles and Camilla announced they're going to get married. They're going to get married at London's Town Hall, where Camilla once worked. As a gargoyle."
--Jay Leno  

***

"Michael Jackson's fate is now in the hands of four men and eight women. As opposed to his usual crowd - eleven boys and one chimp."
--Jay Leno

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Rotten News...  (true)

German Athlete Protests Winning Gold

Sat Mar 5, 3:55 PM ET

MADRID, Spain - German long jumper Bianca Kappler should get a gold medal for honesty.

Kappler was awarded gold Saturday at the European Indoor Championships for a leap of 22 feet, 10 inches on her final of six attempts. But she protested, telling judges that she deserved silver because she couldn't jump more than 21-11 1/2 or 21-11 3/4. She was seen looking at the electronic scoreboard in disbelief and laughing at the result.

Kappler's other jumps were 21-1 1/2, 21-5 1/4 and 21-3 1/4.

Naide Gomes of Portugal jumped 21-11 3/4 to be initially awarded silver and Stiliani Pilatou of Greece was given bronze with 21-9 1/2.

European Athletics Association spokesman Nicolas Russi said the judges agreed to resolve the issue by letting Kappler take her final jump again alone Sunday.

German team officials said they believe the mistake may have been a human error with someone typing in 22-10 instead of 21-11 1/2.

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This is not your everyday 'Skunk bites man' story

Posted: Feb. 26, 2005

Every time Carol Infalt's phone rings, she's not sure if it's going to be condolences for her deceased skunk or a joke about her husband's formerly private parts.

She's been getting a lot of both since Ozzie the pet skunk paid the ultimate price for biting Dan Infalt's penis.

I think it's a Freudian typo, but in an e-mail to my newspaper Carol said, "This is when the hole disaster starts."

While the embarrassing news crackled over the emergency scanner, Dan was rushed to Oconomowoc Memorial Hospital last week.

At that same moment, Department of Natural Resources warden David Walz was heading for the Infalts' Jefferson County home to take Ozzie into custody. The animal quickly was euthanized so it could be tested for rabies, which has stirred up the skunk-loving community.

Meanwhile, Carol received a call at work from the hospital and was told it concerned her husband. She assumed "car accident."

"They told me where he got bit. I had to come and pick him up," she said.

She's not trying to add insult to unspeakable injury, but she blames her husband and not Ozzie for this one.

Rough-housing with an animal equipped with fangs is a bad idea. She'd warned Dan and their three kids about that countless times since they bought Ozzie as a baby for $100 last year from a game farm in Iowa.

"He was playing rough with him on his lap, and Ozzie bit down on my husband's penis," right through his sweat pants, she said.

Several stitches later, Dan's is fine except for the realization that he'll forever be known as the guy with a skunk on his junk.

"He always wanted to be famous. Maybe now he will be. He was hoping to do it more through hunting," Carol said.

Ozzie was just like a dismember of the family. The de-scented, chocolate-brown skunk slept under Carol and Dan's bed, and his favorite meal was a hard-boiled egg smothered in cheese. Carol had hoped he would live out his life of 10 or 15 years and then she would have him stuffed and mounted at home.

It was quite a scene at their 7-acre homestead in a rural area near Rome when warden Walz showed up along with deputies and a humane officer. Carol's macaw and cockatoo were screaming, and the family's pot-bellied pig was raising a ruckus. Walz found Ozzie hiding under a bed.

Walz contacted a veterinarian, and the Wisconsin laboratory that does rabies testing and was told the law says quarantine is not an option for a wild animal, even a pet one. A specimen needed to be submitted for testing immediately. Unfortunately for Ozzie, that specimen was his brain rather than saliva or a little blood.

First of all, this was not a wild or vicious animal, but a pet bred in captivity and neutered, Carol argues. She kept reminding me that the breeder has been "rabies-free since 1932."

"I'm 100 percent sure my skunk did not have rabies," she said.

She's right. The tests results, released Friday, were negative.

Skunk owners from around the country have rallied around the Infalts and peppered Walz - and now me - with e-mail.

"He should not have been put down. They did not even give Carol a chance to say goodbye," wrote a woman from South Carolina.

The good news, if there is any, is that at least Carol didn't have to pay to have her beloved skunk killed and tested. The state and county picked up those expenses.

Carol said she's not itching to sue anybody. She just wants it known that even though bad things sometimes happen to good husbands, pet skunks aren't so bad.

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Bad samaritan strands German motorists

Thu Mar 3,12:36 PM ET 

BERLIN (Reuters) - An apparently friendly motorist in Germany who stopped to tow a broken-down car, stranded the owners as he sped away, crashed their car into a petrol station and then drove off, police say.

"After attaching it, the man sped off so fast that the two hadn't even got into the car -- and were left gesticulating wildly," said police in Aachen on Thursday. The man then drove towards the petrol station, swerving his own car at the last minute.

"But the trailing vehicle went straight on and smashed into the air pump," police said. "The station attendant was roused by the noise and saw a man uncoupling his car from the battered vehicle before departing without further ado."

Police said there was no trace of the reckless driver.