Subject: Daily Dose - 050322 - circumcised, THIS is TRUE, flood, DDL, Rotten News

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.  She went back to find out what was going on.  He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.  The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.  He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.  She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

___________________________

THIS is TRUE.....

INSTITUTIONALIZED BULLYING: Two students at Wyomina Park Elementary School in Ocala, Fla., were caught doodling in class. The 9- and 10-year-old boys had drawn stick figures purportedly showing a classmate being hanged, with other stick figures "holding knives pointed through" his body. The teacher called in the school's dean, who called in the police, who called in the State Attorney's Office for consultation. The boys were arrested, handcuffed and charged with "making a written threat to kill or harm another person," a felony. The mother of the 9-year-old says her son was upset at the boy supposedly in the drawing since that boy had been pushing and shoving him at school. She said her son, a special education student, would not be able to associate the drawing with actual physical violence. (Ocala Star-Banner)
...With him in jail, then, the bullying is complete.

***

INSTITUTIONAL BULLY II: School officials in Chicago, Ill., say a teacher at Morgan Park School taped shut the mouths and eyes of several second-grade students who were disrupting her class. She gave students a warning first, though: "Sit your ass down!" No charges have been filed, but the school district has started procedures to fire the unnamed teacher. (Chicago Sun-Times)
...Portrait of American Justice: Assault children, no charges. Draw a picture of a bully: felony charges.

***

EXPANDING KIDS' MINDS: The Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School in Palo Alto, Calif., hosted a "career day" to help students plan for their futures. One of the speakers invited to the assembly was William Fried, a salesman who, in his presentation called "The Secret of a Happy Life", pointed out there's a special career available to girls, especially those with large breasts: stripping. "For every two inches up there, it's another $50,000," he told the very attentive kids. Asked to comment later, Fried stood behind his comments. "Maybe I could have probably spent less time on exotic dancing," he said, "but I think the kids were entertained." Principal Joseph Di Salvo admitted encouraging eighth-grade girls to pursue stripping was "inappropriate," but insisted the controversy was "overblown." (San Francisco Chronicle)
...And you know, the overblown girls can get more like $100,000 extra.

***

BEE BEEN BANNED: Schools in Lincoln, R.I., have canceled the annual spelling bee competition. Assistant Superintendent of Schools Linda Newman said the decision was unanimous, and was because the "No Child Left Behind says all kids must reach high standards," but a spelling bee is "about one kid winning, several making it to the top and leaving all others behind. That's contrary to No Child Left Behind." A spelling bee "sends a message that this isn't an all-kids movement" as it leaves "some kids being winners, some kids being losers." That just won't do, she says, since "You have to build positive self-esteem for all kids, so they believe they're all winners." (Woonsocket Call)
...Asinine. A-S-I-N-I-N-E. Asinine.

***

SOME FRIEND: "Man Blames Crash on Imaginary Friend"
-- Hartland (Wisc.) Lake Country Reporter headline

____________________________

There was a small town nestled in a valley which was powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the valley. Naturally everyone headed for higher ground. Once everyone reached higher ground, they began scanning the area for people or animals who needed help.

After a few hours of looking it seemed that every one was safe, except that there was this little straw hat that would bob down stream about a 50 yards and then bob back up stream 50 yards. It would then move to the side and bob down stream and then back up stream... It kept repeating this.

Nobody could figure out why it was doing this. After awhile of pondering this, a young boy recalled his Granddad saying that come hell or high water he was going to get the lawn mowed.

______________________________

DDL
A pretty stripteaser named Tasty
Used to use a live clam for a pasty.
'Til working one night
It tried a small bite
And found she-food to be mighty tasty.

______________________________

"A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms."
--Craig Ferguson

***  

"The inauguration was yesterday. I tell you things are really starting to look bad for John Kerry."
--Dave Letterman

***  

"Did you see the last episode of "The Biggest Loser" last night? The winner was a guy from Spokane, Washington, that lost 122 pounds, 8 inches off his waist and all his dignity."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character."

-- Charles Barkley on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating

***

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
--Emo Philips  

***

I lay there unconscious next to my wife in bed one morning, when a sudden tremendous burst of flatulence did vibrate out of my ass.

The expulsion half woke me. But before I could fall back into slumber, my wife reaches for the night stand. She picks up the telephone receiver, and in a bleary voice says, "Hello?" I look over at her.

She was obviously confused at the dial tone she was hearing.

And then the realization hit me. She had answered my fart.

_______________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Police search for sex toy thief

Fri Jan 21, 1:43 PM ET 

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - Police are on the search for a thief who made off with three "male appendages" from a Vancouver-area sex-toy store and may now be looking for batteries.

A clerk discovered the man stuffing the fake body parts into his clothes and asked "if he was going to need batteries for these three objects," the Royal Canadian Mounted Police said in a news release on Friday.

"The male calmly stated 'no', and then panicked and fled, running out of the store with the three objects, minus batteries," the police statement said.

*********

Tuesday, 11 January 2005    

Saved by a crocodile

by Sharm de Alwis

Upali Gunasekera is a man of strapping Herculean proportions but now in his mid 70s and afflicted with a spinal ailment and cellulitis he has abandoned his youthful frolicks when he would drive his favourite Daimler.

He now prefers to travel by bus the hundred miles to Colombo.

Upali lives on a well appointed spot of land in "Matara, overlooking the estuary of the Nilwala river, the Fort and the sea. In the sprawling house were his sister and his menagerie of dogs. Often in the late afternoons, he would sit on the lawn and a crocodile from the estuary would visit him and eye him in grim melancholy.

Upali would converse with the croc and say, "I know why you have come here. You have come to take away my dogs." After a lengthy period of silent togetherness and having basked in the glowing sun the croc would pour himself into the waters and disappear.

On the fateful Sunday after Christmas, Upali who was strolling in the garden was swept away by the tsunami tidal wave. His sister climbed the stairs, removed some roof tiles and gingerly walked the roof top to safety.

But Upali was awash. He clutched a floating stool with one hand and a chair with the other to keep himself afloat. Another wave rocked the stool off his grip and as he grabbed the chair to his bosom he saw a log moving towards him. He hung on to the log for dear life. But there was something strange about this log. It had a scaly surface and was no ordinary log. It was a crocodile.

As he began to despair he felt his belly being nudged and he was pushed a good half a kilometer towards the embankment.

There he lay for some time through sheer exhaustion, having been in the waters from 9.20 in the morning to 4.30 in the afternoon, an ordeal of seven hours for an elderly man who has to resort to crutches on dry land. And then he heard human voices, "Yakko, he's not dead. Pull him out".

Mercifully, Upali, with the help of the crocodile who would frequently visit him for unilateral conversation, is alive today.

*********

This Has to Be Homer Simpson...

Fri Jan 21, 9:12 AM ET

PRAGUE (Reuters) - A Czech man is being taken to court after he hid in a restaurant washroom until the employees had left and then hooked up beer kegs directly to his mouth.

Cleaning staff found him drunk and lying on the floor of the bar at the restaurant in the city of Brno, about 200km (120 miles) east of Prague, the CTK news agency reported on Thursday.

"He had broken the door of the cooling mechanism .. and detached the hoses leading from the keg, squashed them in his mouth and literally filled himself up with beer," CTK quoted a police official as saying.

The man will be charged with damaging property because he caused 8,000 crown ($340) damage to the beer cooling box.

*****

A group of nudists eat together at a monthly 'Clothing Optional Dinner' at a New York City restaurant, Feb. 17, 2005. About 30 people arrived for the buffet dinner -- no hot soup on the menu -- most of them middle-aged, several married couples, some singles, the youngest perhaps in their 30s. Diners must bring something to sit on -- a towel or, for discerning women, an elegant silk scarf. (Mike Segar/Reuters)