Subject: Daily Dose - 050321 - nursing sisters, BIZARRE NEWS, Performance
Appraisals, DDL, Rotten News
A couple of nuns who were nursing
sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way
back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were
standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in
distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed
some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his
tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean
bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to
drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and
left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the
precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched for
a while, then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do
admire your faith!"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS.....
Bizarre Classified Ads
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward.
Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner special - Turkey $2.35;
Chicken or Beef, $2.25; Children, $2.00.
Now is your chance to have your ears
pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping
machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick
fresh fruit and produce at night.
For Sale. Three canaries of
undermined sex.
For Sale -- eight puppies from a
German Shepard and an Alaskan Hussy.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me
do it.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job
in 24 hours.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy
dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit one.
For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Christmas-tag sale. Handmade gifts
for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that
does not smoke or drink.
We will oil your sewing machine and
adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
***
The Sherry's To Die For
LAKE JACKSON, Texas - A 58-year-old
man died after his wife gave him a sherry enema that caused his blood-alcohol
level to rise to 47 percent.
"That's extremely high,"
Detective Lt. Robert Turner said. "You're either going to be in the
hospital or the funeral home with that much alcohol."
Michael Warner's wife Tammy was
indicted last week. Turner said that Warner was an alcoholic who couldn't swallow
liquor because of ulcers and heartburn.
"We are going to prove that she
gave him the sherry and that she knew that he wasn't supposed to have any and
that it could be detrimental to his health, and that she gave it to him
anyway," he said.
Tammy Warner was released on $30,000
bail.
***
This Guy Has A Lot to Learn
LAS VEGAS - I should have tried this
during my college days! Bob Whitney refuses to accept a B-minus grade and is
suing the University of Nevada, Las Vegas after losing an appeal over the
grade.
Whitney claims that a history
professor discriminated against him because of his conservative values, and
seeks at least $10,000 for emotional duress, tuition, books and living
expenses.
The B-minus he received in Eugene
Moehring's class hurt his grade-point average and made him ineligible for
student loans. Apparently, Moehring's fast-paced lectures made it too hard for
Whitney to take complete notes.
I think someone should introduce Mr.
Whitney to the beauty of shorthand. It saved me quite a few headaches in
college!
***
Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For
You?
MONROE, La. - A sheriff's deputy
attempted to pull over Jerry Wayne Till for speeding on Wednesday evening. Till
suddenly sped away at more than 100 mph before he abandoned his vehicle and
headed off into a wooded area.
Police were in pursuit with search
dogs, but were unable to locate the elusive Till. That was until he called the
sheriff's office from his cell phone asking for assistance because he was lost.
Still unable to find him,
authorities received another call from a nearby resident that overheard Till's
cries for help. He was arrested a quarter mile from the home of the deputy that
pulled him over.
Till faces charges of driving with
an expired license and aggravated flight. After his arrest, he told police that
he didn't pull over because he wasn't think straight.
***
That's Insane!
OSLO, Norway - A Norwegian doctor
was called up to perform military service, but he had other ideas. The doctor
pretended to be insane to illustrate he wasn't mentally fit for duty.
He went as far as rubbing sour cream
in his hair, smoking 40 cigarettes simultaneously in a closet and spilling beer
on his clothes. His act was so convincing that the military rejected him,
but the national health authorities became aware of his mental state.
The doctor will likely face charges
from both the military and the medical board.
________________________________
Performance Appraisals
Revisited
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ......=
Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ......= Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ...............= Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ...= Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY .........= Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ................= Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ......= Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER .............= Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING .................= Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER ................= Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE .....................= Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ...= Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ......= Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL .= A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES ......= Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ...= Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ...........= Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ..................= Back Stabber
LOYAL ..........................= Can't get a job anywhere else
__________________________
DDL
There was a young girl from Taipei
Who was voted the Queen of the May.
But the pole she went 'round
Wasn't stuck in the ground,
But attached to a young man named Wei.
___________________________
"A week has no basis in nature,
as do days, months and years. So birds don't understand weeks or weekdays. They
do know enough to come back to the sidewalk cafe every day for crumbs. But
suppose the cafe is in the business district and closed on weekends? What do
the birds think of that? I'll bet they're really glad when Monday rolls around.
Unlike the rest of us."
--George Carlin
***
"Why is New Jersey called the
Garden State? Cause it's too hard to fit 'Oil and Petro-Refinery State' on a
license plate."
--Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality
***
"Someone has said that there
are only two kinds of people in the world---- There are those who wake up in
the morning and say, "Good Morning, Lord," and there are those who
wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
--Unknown
***
Q: In a game of poker, what hand is
the favorite with Jermaine, Jackie, Michael, Marlon and Tito?
A: Jacks and Fives.
***
Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have
the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is because you cannot post "Thou
Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and
"Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians
...
....it creates a hostile work
environment.
___________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Mon, Jan 24, 2005
2 many txt msgs bad 4 U
ROME (Reuters) - Excessive text
messaging may be bad for you, or at least for your fingers.
That's what some Italian doctors
believe. They are telling people, particularly the young, that furious typing
on mobile phones could lead to acute tendonitis.
Italian newspapers La Repubblica and
Il Messaggero dedicated about half a page each to the problem on Monday.
A 13-year-old girl in the northern
Italian city of Savona needed treatment from an orthopaedic specialist after
typing at least 100 short message services (SMSs) a day.
She was prescribed anti-inflammatory
medicine and ordered to rest her hands.
According to a recent study
conducted for children's rights group Telefono Azzurro, some 37 percent of
Italian children are "cell phone addicts". Irritability and mood
swings were other symptoms linked to very frequent cell phone use among the young.
The message is clear: MayB U shd
stop B4 its 2 L8.
***********
Man survives 35 days lost in
mushroom cave
Sun Jan 23, 5:47 AM ET
PARIS (Reuters) - A Frenchman lost
in a labyrinth of disused mushroom caves said he had survived 35 days by eating
rotten wood and clay, after being rescued only thanks to a teachers' strike.
Jean-Luc Josuat-Verges, 48, told
French newspapers he had gone to the deserted caves at Madiran in the Pyrenees
in December seeking isolation during a spell of depression which had left him
considering suicide.
While wandering through the cave
network the father-of-two's torch stopped working, and he was unable to find
his way out.
His abandoned car was found 35 days
later by three children who were not at school because their teachers were on
strike. The children alerted police who rescued Josuat-Verges from the caves.
French media said he had lost 18 kg (40 lb) and was "weak"
***********
Toothbrush cut from stomach after
two decades
January 18 2005 at 05:07PM
Riyadh - A Saudi Arabian medical team removed Tuesday a toothbrush that had
been in a man's stomach for 22 years, a medical official at the King Abdel Aziz
Hospital in Taef west of the Saudi kingdom said.
The 70-year-old unidentified man,
had swallowed the toothbrush 22 years ago without realising it, as he had not
experienced any pain until a few days.
A hospital official Abdel Rahman
al-Zahrani said the surgery to remove the toothbrush was successful. - Sapa-dpa
