Subject: Daily Dose - 050320 - Crying Cutey, THIS is TRUE, SECOND OPINION,
Hebronics, DDL, Rotten News
Crying Cutey
The bar was crowded when all of a
sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.
The barkeep asked, "What's the
trouble, Honey?"
She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and
my boyfriend won't have anything to do with inexperienced girls. What should I
do?"
Three men and a Lesbian were killed
in the rush.
___________________________
THIS is TRUE...
AND JUSTICE FOR ALL: It was the
"jury pool from hell," says Memphis, Tenn., defense attorney Leslie
Ballin. When the jury was asked if any of them had been convicted of any
crimes, many hands went up. One admitted he was arrested after he "almost
shot" his nephew because the boy wouldn't come out from under his bed.
Another volunteered, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite" -- and
walked out. A third said he was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover
police officer on prostitution decoy duty. "I should have known something
was up," the man said, since "she had all her teeth." After
finally seating a jury, Ballin's client was found not guilty. (AP)
...Though most of the jury was locked up afterward.
***
UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT: Antwerp,
Belgium, has installed new lights along its waterfront, and they're so bright
they're generating complaints -- from hookers. "We had some remarks from
the prostitutes that there was too much light, both for them and the
clients," says city spokesman Jorn Verbeeck. The city is happy to
cooperate. "We are investigating the possibility of lowering the light
there," he says. (Reuters)
...And if that doesn't work, they'll try putting red lenses on them.
***
VIRTUAL COLLECTION PLATE: Police in
Edmonton, Alta., Canada, are investigating a man who sells "guaranteed
admission into heaven" for C$20 (US$16.35). The man's web site says the
certificate works without "need for confessions or penance." It's
"obviously a scam," says detective Mark Johnson of the economic
crimes unit. (Edmonton Sun)
...Sure, but it'll be interesting to see him try to prove that in court.
***
UNDERSTATEMENT, DEFINED: Reno, Nev.,
police report that a man called 911 for help when he couldn't stop the bleeding
from an at-home surgery. Castration. That he performed on himself. The unnamed
50-year-old man learned the procedure on the Internet, and he did it to
"decrease his libido," a police spokesman says. "The man
obviously needs some sort of counseling." (Reno Gazette-Journal)
...Maybe, though he wasn't screaming as much as the cops who found him.
***
HORROR STORY: "Clinic Asks
Politicians to Donate Sperm"
-- Reuters headline;
"Woman Pregnant with Wrong
Sperm Gives Birth"
-- Reuters headline, 4 minutes later
_________________________
SECOND OPINION
"Doctor," said the old
professor, "that rectal exam hurt like hell! What in tar nation did you
do?"
"I used two fingers," said
the doctor.
"What the heck for?" cried
the old professor.
"I needed a second
opinion."
___________________________
The NYC School Board has officially
declared Jewish-English a second language. Backers of the move say the
district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language of
many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami
Beach, Los Angeles, and Scarsdale.
In Hebronics: Questions are
always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you
feel?"
Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the
end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She
dances beautifully, that girl."
The sarcastic repetition of words by
adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes
"shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."
These common phrases were translated
from "Standard English" to Hebronics:
English: "He walks slowly"
Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."
English: "Sorry, I don't know
the time"
Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
English: "I hope things turn
out okay"
Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!"
English: "I see you're wearing
one of the ties I gave you."
Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?"
English: "Anything can
happen."
Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"
English: "May I take your plate
sir?"
Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter,
something's wrong with it?"
English: "It's been so long
since you've called."
Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
English: "Let's not go
skiing"
Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?
_________________________
DDL
There was a young lady named Hutton,
Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
"My father preferred
The last sheep in the herd -
This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
_________________________
"Condoleeza Rice was Methodist,
but became Presbyterian. You know what that means? She's converted
Rice."
--Jay Leno
***
"Federal officials entered a
Wisconsin classroom and seized several giant African land snails because
they're considered a health hazard. Officials rounded up the snails after
a two second chase."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"The flu is going around.
Everyone is getting it. In fact, the guy that wrote this joke had to go home
before he finished it."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Man: An animal [whose] chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
habitable earth and Canada."
--Ambrose Bierce (1842-disappearance in 1914)
***
"Woman: An animal... having a
rudimentary susceptibility to domestication... The species is the most widely
distributed of all beasts of prey... the woman is omnivorous and can be taught
not to talk."
--Ambrose Bierce (1842-disappearance in 1914)
***
"We need not worry so much
about what man descends from-it's what he descends to that shames the human
race."
--Mark Twain
***
"A good listener is usually
thinking about something else."
--Kin Hubbard
_______________________
Rotten News... (true)
Mistake Puts Gas Price at Only 18
Cents
Thu Jan 27, 5:52 PM ET
By CHUCK BROWN, Associated Press
Writer
OMAHA, Neb. - A misplaced decimal
point gave drivers a surprisingly good deal on gas, and even inspired some
threats of violence at a west Omaha filling station Wednesday night.
Carolyn Folsom, who occasionally
helps her brother and father run the self-service, attendant-less Shell
station, said she goofed Wednesday afternoon when entering prices into the
computer that runs the fuel tanks. A gallon of regular, unleaded gasoline was
supposed to cost $1.89 but ended up costing only 18 cents.
"I don't know if my finger
missed the nine or what," Folsom said. "The whole family is laughing
about this. I will never live this down."
Folsom said about 500 gallons of gas
were sold during the several hours the price was down, costing the business
about $1000. The station does not have an attendant and the only way to pay is
at the pump, so the mistake went unnoticed for hours.
A fuel truck driver who came to
deliver gas discovered the problem and tried to block the entrance of the
station with his truck, Folsom said.
But by then word was out and the
rush for cheap fuel was on.
Folsom said one person threatened to
hit the fuel truck driver with a hammer if he didn't stop blocking the
entrance.
"That's the thing that upsets
me," Folsom said. "I mean, grow up."
Folsom said her father fixed the
price about 7:15 p.m. And he's forgiven her for the mistake, she said.
*********
Thu, Jan 27, 2005
Forget vibrate - set your phone to
moan
NEW YORK (Reuters) - This is one
cellphone you might not want to set to "High & Vibrate."
Porn star Jenna Jameson is now
hawking her "moan tones."
For $2.50 (1.33 pounds) fans of the
ubiquitous porno queen can choose from a variety of moans, grunts and lurid
sexual noises all recorded by the blond bombshell.
If that's not enough, Jameson will
talk dirty to you when you phones rings, in English or Spanish.
Jameson, who recently wrote a
best-selling memoir, has launched the venture with Wicked Wireless, a mobile
music and entertainment company.
Also available are colour pictures
of the porn star posing naked that can be displayed on your phone for $2.99.
"Rock stars make music tones,
porn stars make moan tones," said Dennis Adamo, head of Wicked Wireless.
"We thought it would be an interesting novel approach of introducing new
content to the mobile users."
Jameson's charms are already being
downloaded in Argentina, Ecuador, Venezuela, and in a couple of weeks will be
available from Mexico to Uruguay.
Latin American users can download a
moan or a picture for $1.00 each, while U.S. customers will pay $2.50 for a
moan and $2.99 for a wallpaper once the service is launched.
Some people were shocked, but others
said they wanted more from the product.
"If you can get her to say my
name then I would buy it. I need that kind of personal attention," said
New Yorker Julian McCullough.
*******
January 26, 2005
Boys cuffed for drawings
OCALA, Fla. (AP) — Two Florida boys
were arrested for making pencil-and-crayon stick-figure drawings depicting a
10-year-old classmate being stabbed and hanged, police said.
The children, charged with a felony,
were taken from school in handcuffs.
The nine- and 10-year-old boys were
arrested Monday and charged with making a written threat to kill or harm
another person. They were also suspended from school.
One drawing showed the two boys
standing on either side of the other boy and “holding knives pointed through”
his body, said a police report. The figures were identified by written names or
initials.
Another drawing showed a stick
figure hanging, tears falling from his eyes, with two other stick figures
standing below him. Other pieces of scrap paper listed misspelled profanities
and the initials of the boy who was allegedly threatened.
The boys’ parents said they thought
the children should be punished by the school and families, not the legal
system.
