Subject: Daily Dose - 050319 - Tight, BIZARRE NEWS, On the Side, DDL, Rotten News

Tight

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well, Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them".

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Newspaper Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  

Safety Expert Says School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted  

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case  

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents  

Farmer Bill Dies in House  

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?  

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarians Take Over  

Eye Drops Off Shelf  

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead  

Stolen Painting Found By Tree  

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years  

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved Ones  

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge  

New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group  

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half  

***  

IKEA Store Opening A Real Riot

NORTH LONDON - Who knew furniture could have such an effect on people? Five people were hospitalized and hundreds crushed as the opening of England's biggest Ikea store turned into a riot.

About 7,000 people had flocked to the Edmonton store after adverts promised big discounts. When the main doors opened 40 security guards were pushed aside by the crowds, leaving shoppers pinned to the wall or crushed on the ground. Video footage showed people brawling over furniture, with one man pinned against the wall by a customer as they fought over a sofa.

The staff had to close the doors after 30 minutes and they held up signs written in marker pen against the glass doors to announce the fact. The store remains closed and a cleanup operation is under way.

***

She Had Quite A Ball

LONDON - Don't get mad, get even. A British woman was so angry that her ex-boyfriend refused to have sex with her that she ripped off one of his testicles with her bare hands.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a drunken rage after Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances. Jones had already ended their long-term relationship when Monti tried to seduce him. When he refused, she grabbed him by the genitals and tore off his left testicle. She then hid it in her mouth before one of Jone's friends handed it back to him saying "that's yours."

Monti pleaded guilty to unlawful wounding and was sentenced to two and a half years in jail.

I want to know why his friend was there when all this was taking place!

***

Townspeople Turned On to Naked Karaoke

BERLIN, Conn. - The townspeople of Berlin, Conn. will finally be able to don only their birthday suits to partake in "Naked Karaoke."

Over a year ago, Marty St. Pierre, co- owner of the Berlin Station Cafe, put up a sign advertising "Naked Karaoke." "It was always a joke, nothing more than that," St. Pierre told the New Britain (Conn.) Herald.

However, 120 people took it seriously, and signed up to participate. Soon, the town let St. Pierre know he could be arrested for violation of a sexually oriented business ordinance. Last month, the ordinance was amended, and now, the people of Berlin can enjoy Naked Karaoke nights.

Although some feel that allowing people to sing naked in public is an embarrassment for the town, St. Pierre counters, "It's a completely voluntary activity."

***

That's My Stash Officers

ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico -  Hugo Suso-Dominguez, 23, was in line behind two plainclothes officers at a convenience store when he dropped a pouch. Unfortunately for him, the pouch was made from a dollar bill and contained one-half ounce of cocaine.

The officers recognized the pouch as a method of holding illegal substances. Upon discovering the contents inside the pouch, according to Detective Thomas Gutierrez, "Hugo looked back at us and the dollar bill, which was now open displaying the suspected cocaine. Hugo laughed and stated, 'That is mine' (in Spanish)."

He now faces possession with intent to distribute charges due to the quantity of the drugs.

***

I Think You Forgot Something...

EULESS, Texas - There are some things you just don't leave behind the place you've just robbed. Your wallet is one of them.

A robbery suspect made a bad move when he left his wallet behind when he robbed a store. Joseph Fahnbulleh, 22, went to the police station in Euless to retrieve his wallet after a detective called to inform him someone found it.

According to Detective Marco Valladares, "Once we had the wallet, we called him to say it had been turned in to our lost and found. We don't really have one."

Fahnbulleh was charged with robbery after taking $200 and attacking a store clerk with pepper spray.

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On the Side

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the lady of the night replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"

______________________________

DDL

An old Arab who lived in Tashkent,
Harbored twenty fat wives in his tent.
He tried potions a plenty
To run through the twenty,
But he never made more than a dent.

______________________________

"So I go to the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. 'Those Twizzlers look good, do you have financial aid?'"
--David Spade

***  

"I wanted one more remote control unit in my life. I want twelve of those suckers lined up on the coffee table--bring the friends over and go, 'See those? I don't know how to work any of them. Zero for twelve.'"
--Paul Reiser

***  

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

***

"I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her."
--New York City detective  

***

In 1850 California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity, no money, there were gun fights in the middle of the streets, and almost everyone spoke Spanish.

So it was just like California today. Only back then the women had real tits.

__________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Scalded skin? Try sheep dung and goose grease

Wed Mar 2, 2:03 PM ET 

LONDON (Reuters) - Take two puppies, cut off their heads and collect the blood, reads the 17th century instructions -- not for some voodoo rite but to cure pimples among the middle class.

Weird health and beauty recipes have been around for a long time. Now two old manuscripts, found at a British stately home and coming up for auction, suggest some truly odd cures for everyday ailments.

The 300-year-old cookery, medical and household recipe books, lavishly illustrated and with elaborate script, give advice on almost everything, from treating burns to getting rid of freckles, said manuscript specialist Luke Batterham.

"These books are a very direct insight into what people were interested in the late 17th century," Batterham told Reuters on Wednesday. "People seem to go a very long way for beauty, now and then."

One recipe advises to take "2 Puppies before they can see, chopp of their heads & hang them up by the heels to bleed", then mix with white wine to rid the patient of unsightly pimples.

Scalds and burns, another says, are best treated with a mixture of sheep's dung and fresh goose grease, while four-day-old lemon juice rubbed on the face is guaranteed to eradicate unwanted freckles.

The two books are expected to fetch a total or more than 2,000 pounds when they go for auction at Bonhams in London on March 15.

**********

Wed, Mar 02, 2005

Something Doesn't Smell Right About This Marriage

TEHRAN (Reuters) - An Iranian woman has requested a divorce from her husband on the grounds that he has not washed for more than a year.

"My husband says he does not like water and does not want to take a shower ... He doesn't even wash his face when he wakes up in the morning," Mina, 36, was quoted as saying in court by the state-run Iran newspaper.

When the couple first married eight years ago her husband was obsessively clean, she said.

"He spent hours taking showers three times a day and washed his hands every few minutes," Mina said. "But he suddenly changed ... Now nobody, including me, my children and his colleagues, can stand him."

Divorce is a notoriously difficult process for women in Iran, who normally have to prove that their husband has neglected them financially or sexually, is a drug addict or physically abusive.

**********

Sculptor Cancels Ice-Instrument Concert

Mon Feb 28, 7:12 PM ET

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - A sculptor who created an entire orchestra of instruments from ice canceled his show at the last minute because he didn't like the sound of the musicians warming up.

The concert was set for Sunday with instruments including clarinets, trumpets, guitars, cellos all carved from ice by Taos, New Mexico-based artist Tim Linhart.

But organizers said Linhart spontaneously canceled the show, part of the city of Piteaa's annual winter festival, because he didn't think the musicians were good enough at playing his creations.

That caused heated tempers among some guests in the 100-seat igloo concert hall.

"Linhart's behavior was completely unacceptable," said Christer Wiklund, head of the music school in the city, some 550 miles north of the capital, Stockholm.

"It was an insult to our city, who employed him, and an offense against the student musicians who have only had a few days to train on the instruments," Wiklund added.

Linhart could not be immediately be reached for comment.