Subject: Daily Dose - 050315 - PAYING THE PRICE OF MARRIAGE, THIS is TRUE,
BIG DOG, DDL, Rotten News
PAYING THE PRICE OF MARRIAGE
William and Mildred were married
twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When
they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a
very short skirt, became very friendly.
William brushed her off rather
rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and
you were so rude."
"Mildred, she's a
prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That
sweet young thing?
"Let's go up to our room and
I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked
for Candie to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you
hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She
did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked
in, swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested
after all," she said.
William asked, "How much do you
charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for
special services."
William was taken aback. "$125!
I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Candie laughed derisively. "You
must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said William,
"I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came
out of the bathroom.
"I just can't believe it."
William said, "Let's forget it.
We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their
cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said,
"See what you get for $25?"
______________________________
THIS is TRUE...
CARELESS: If you are an elderly
American with questions about Medicare, ask anyone but the official Medicare
toll-free "help" line. "We found that 6 out of 10 calls were
answered accurately, 3 out of 10 calls were answered inaccurately and we were
not able to get a response for 1 out of 10 calls" says an audit report by
the service by the Government Accountability Office. In one example, they asked
a question about whether electric wheelchairs are covered by Medicare. The
right answer: yes, if a person's "trunk strength" is low enough to
require it. The answer they got: "Medicare would cover a power wheelchair
only if a beneficiary had adequate space to put it in the trunk of his car."
A separate audit of a special line for doctors to call about billing issues was
even worse, with complete and accurate information given only 4 percent of the
time. (New York Times)
...Where they mostly advised doctors to hide bodies in trunks.
***
THE EDUCAMATIONAL SYSTEM: A third of
all schoolteachers in Florida have failed their certification tests at least
once, and many have not even been able to pass the tests they give their
students. Students aren't allowed to move to the next grade if they don't pass
their standardized tests, but some teachers continue to teach even after
failing their own exams and then receiving waivers, according to a review of
test scores. Almost 1,400 teachers have failed more than 10 times; more than
half-a-million kids suffer with substandard teachers. State Sen. Frederica
Wilson decries the report, saying the poor teachers are "destroying the
lives and futures of Florida's children." And the bottom-line result,
Wilson says, is "The economy is going to suffer. Our tax base is going to
suffer." (Sarasota Herald-Tribune)
...Leave it to the politicians: it takes their peculiar mindset to really see
the big picture.
***
WELL-SCHOOLIFIED II: The Broad
Street School in Bridgeton, N.J., was evacuated for the third time in an
eight-day span when a kindergarten teacher found a stick of dynamite in her
classroom. It was not a false alarm; it really was dynamite. The explosive,
with no fuse or detonator, was accidentally left behind by the Salem County
Sheriff's Department after a multi-agency training exercise with bomb-sniffing
dogs. "Whenever they search a building like that, they have to put
something out there for the dog to find," explained a spokesman. The first
two evacuations were for bomb threats. No bombs were found after either threat.
(Bridgeton News)
...Reassuring news, isn't that?
***
WHEN BOOBS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY
OUTLAWS WILL HAVE BOOBS: The city council of San Antonio, Texas, has proposed
that strippers in the city not only have to get a $50 license, but that they
also be required to wear the license while performing. Councilman Chip Haass
says that will keep dancers who do something illegal from giving a fake name to
escape prosecution. (San Antonio Express-News)
...But the licenses can't be issued until they find a print shop capable of
producing the 4- by 6-foot license cards.
***
HEEEERRRRRE'S JOHNNY! "Police
Say Man Sang, Wielded Hatchet During Robbery Attempt"
-- Hagerstown (Maryland) Herald-Mail headline
___________________________
BIG DOG
You know you have a BIG dog when...
The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"
You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.
It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.
You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who
these people are.
You can carry on a conversation with a dog's muzzle firmly in your crotch.
You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.
You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.
You keep at least one color-coded "drool towel" in every room of your
house.
After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you
awake.
You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an
environmental impact statement done on your dog.
Visitors enter the house holding their privates protectively.
You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of
the doorway.
You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make
random right turns.
You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.
Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling
fan down, for the second time.
You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.
You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you
point out is your dog.
While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth
because the dog is panting out the window.
You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.
You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that
thing?"
The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.
Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home,
buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.
You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the
sink.
The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and
your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.
Your dog can see what you're cooking and he tries to assist you in the
preparation.
You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you
find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.
The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.
Your dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the
drive-through window at McDonalds and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack
when she turns around to give you your change.
You purchase a large screen TV and you still can't see the program when he
stands in front of the television.
After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet's
office, pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.
___________________________
DDL
It was June, and Miss Toon, in a
swoon,
Met her man by the light of the moon;
And all night, as they played,
Lovely music was made,
For the chap kept his organ in Toon.
___________________________
"Do you know what week this is
in our public schools? I'm not making this up: this week is "national no
name calling week". They don't want any name calling in public schools.
What stupid dork came up with this idea?"
--Jay Leno
***
"A weekend update correction.
Last week all 29 stories we reported were incorrect, our apologies."
--Kevin Nealon, Saturday Night Live
***
"I hate waking up every morning
to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel."
--Scott Wood
***
Some speakers electrify their
listeners; others only gas them.
--Sydney Smith
***
Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive
old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive
young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Mon, Jan 31, 2005
'Dummer' Academy May Change Its Name
NEWBURY, Mass. - The 18th century
boarding school in Massachusetts — Governor Dummer Academy — wants to change
its name to prevent any smart guys from making jokes about it.
Headmaster John Doggett said the
"Dummer" name can make a poor first impression on prospective
students and their parents, even though it's simply the surname of
Massachusetts Gov. William Dummer, who donated land to start the school.
"Rightly or wrongly, first
impressions make a difference," headmaster John Doggett said.
"Certainly, when you go outside of the Boston region, the first impression
sometimes doesn't convey what the school is all about."
Some alumni think it's a dumb idea.
"It's a horrible move,"
said Thomas Driscoll of Swampscott, a 1978 graduate and football co-captain who
is now the Essex County Clerk of Courts. "Governor Dummer has such
tradition. That's what troubles me about this ... The name is very
special."
The school, which has 371 students,
opened in 1763 and bills itself as the nation's first independent boarding
school. The name has been changed several times, but has always included
Dummer's name.
The school decided to change the
name in December after about 2 1/2 years of discussion. The Board of Trustees,
which includes parents and alumni, will vote on a new name in May.
"We will celebrate our legacy
in whatever name we choose," Doggett said.
*********
Italians told to stop moaning
Sun Jan 30,10:00 AM ET
ROME (Reuters) - Italy's transport
minister has refused to take the blame for traffic chaos which has caused
misery for hundreds of people stuck on snow-blocked motorways, and has told
people to stop complaining.
Some people were trapped for days as
an unusually strong snowfall brought parts of southern Italy to a standstill.
The opposition accused Transport Minister Pietro Lunardi of failing to deal
with the problem and called on him to resign.
Lunardi rejected such calls on
Sunday and said Italians should stop complaining and blaming the state.
"We need to cure the Italians
of their childish illness -- moaning," he told Libero newspaper.
"The state cannot prevent
exceptional snowfalls, even if Italy is the country of the sun and people think
they have the right to have the snow melted immediately by the
authorities."
Although Deputy Prime Minister Marco
Follini apologised on Friday on behalf of the government, Lunardi said he would
not say sorry. "I am not apologising. The government has managed the
emergency well, there have been no victims."
By Sunday, the authorities finally
reopened a major motorway between Salerno and Reggio Calabria which had been
blocked for four days as snow continued to fall.
********
Bobby Fischer blames lack of booze
for poor health in prison
Chess maestro Bobby Fischer has
cited a lack of alcohol as one of the factors making him ill behind bars at the
East Japan Immigration Bureau Detention Center in Ushiku, Ibaraki Prefecture.
"I can't get any alcohol in
here, which I think is also bad for my health. I say that quite seriously. I
think alcohol in moderation is very good for your body. Alcohol in moderation
is very good for your health. It has a cleansing effect on your body, an
antiseptic effect. It has many benefits. It's good for your heart and so
on," Fischer told Radio DZRH in the Philippines in the second of two separate
interviews given on New Year's Eve and Jan. 17 and listed on the Internet
overnight. "They don't allow alcohol, but they allow cigarettes. And they
give the people cigarettes, tax-free. So the people are smoking like chimneys
in here."
Fischer, in detention while he
fights on a series of fronts to avoid being returned to the U.S. where he faces
trial as a sanctions breaker for playing chess, occasionally sounded weary and
admitted feeling under the weather.
