Subject: Daily Dose - 050314 - wedding night, BIZARRE NEWS, Grandpa hanged himself, George W, DDL, Rotten News

As it happened, their wedding night fell during a religious holiday, and, devout Episcopalian that he was, Mr. Rogers simply couldn't make love to his virginal bride.

"I'm sorry," he said as they snuggled in bed, "but I can't have you tonight. It's Lent."

Her brow crinkling with concern, his new bride said, "Okay...but to whom and for how long?"

___________________________

BIZARRE NEWS......

Bizarre Actual Happenings

An Italian stripper, Gina Lalapola, was found dead inside a cake she was supposed to leap from at a bachelor party in Cosenza in 1995. She had suffocated inside the sealed wooden cake.

The Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones once admitted ejaculating into a French bread roll and feeding it to fellow band member Glen Matlock as mayonnaise.

In 1997 a couple from Carlisle, Craig Wilde and Simone Rooney, found a six-inch bloodstained hypodermic needle inside a half-eaten loaf purchased from a local supermarket.

German scientists involved in car safety research at the University of Heidelberg routinely use human crash test dummies, including the corpses of children.

When the mistress of the nineteenth-century French novelist Eugene Sue died, she willed him her skin, with instructions that he should bind a book with it. He did.

The holy Roman Emperor Henry VI liked to cheer up his troops by having nuns stripped, then smeared with honey, then decorated with feathers and sent on horseback through the ranks of cheering men.

A man from Silver Spring, Maryland became infected with rabies in 1996 and admitted to having sex with a diseased raccoon. He was charged with animal cruelty.

Middle Eastern cave paintings reveal that men once believed sex with female crocodiles would bring success in life.

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'Phone Sex' Takes on New Meaning

NEW YORK - Turn up your phone and it will turn you on. At least that's the idea behind porn star Jenna Jameson's "moan tones."

For only $2.50, lucky folks like you can choose from a variety of moans, grunts and sexual noises all recorded by the blond bombshell. If that doesn't get your blood pumping, Jameson will talk dirty to you when the phone rings, in English or Spanish.

Jameson has launched her naughty venture with Wicked Wireless, a mobile music and entertainment company. Also available are color pictures of the porn star posing naked that can be displayed on your phone for $2.99.

"Rock stars make music tones, porn stars make moan tones," said Dennis Adamo, head of Wicked Wireless.

***

And The Darwin Award Goes To...

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. - Returning to the scene of the crime will get you caught every time.

While a robber was emptying the cash drawer he set his gun down on the counter. The clerk turned the tables by grabbing the gun and directing the robber to leave. Minutes later the brilliant robber then returned to the store to retrieve his weapon and was unmasked by the clerk's cousin forcing the suspect to flee once more.

Police officers were able to trace the suspect thanks to a partial license plate number. They found a glove that matched one that was left at the scene.

The would-be robber is now charged with first-degree aggravated robbery. I guess sometimes you just have to let go.

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A Sticky Situation

CHICAGO, IL - An investigation is under way due to reports that a substitute teacher taped shut the eyes and mouths of Second graders at a Chicago elementary school.

Students at Esmond Elementary School told their principal about the substitute's verbal abuse and inappropriate disciplinary action towards 10 students.

According to a school district spokesman the substitute has been taken off the substitute teacher list. The teacher will have an investigatory conference with the labor relations department.

Whatever happened to detention and sending a student to the principal's office?

***

Bus Driver Helps Out With Sex-Ed

ATHENS - Here's one way to make a bus ride more exciting. A bus driver taking students to school in northern Greece put on a porn tape for the kiddies to watch.

Dozens of parents complained about Tuesday's incident, asking the bus company to fire the driver.

"The driver said 'kids we've got porn, do you want to watch it'," one of the pupils told reporters on Thursday. "Everyone started shouting yes, yes and he just put in a tape and we watched it on the small TV screens on the bus." The children were between the ages of 12 and 15.

The bus company said it would meet to determine what action to take against the driver.

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A boy comes running into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, mommy! Grandpa hanged himself in the living room!"

His mother runs into the living room, and sees no one there. Angrily, she says, "Listen. You should never lie like that to me again, do you understand!?"

"I'm sorry," says the boy. "I was just kidding. He hanged himself in the basement."

_____________________________

George W. was coming in the back door of the White House in January of 2005 when he saw that some one has written: "Screw You George" in the snow. He goes ballistic, and calls the Secret Service, the FBI and the CIA demanding to know who did it.

The next day the Director of the Secret Service comes into the oval office and says, "We have some bad news, Mr. President. After running our tests we have determined that it was Dick Chaney's urine and Laura's handwriting."

_____________________________

DDL

There was a young man from Tahiti,
Who went for a swim with his sweetie,
And as he pursued her,
A big barracuda
Ran off with his masculinity.

_____________________________

"Waffle iron? Why on earth would you want to iron a waffle? Wouldn't that just flatten out all the little squares? no, I believe waffles should be dry cleaned. Pancakes, of course, should always be ironed."
--George Carlin

***  

"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and then you go home."
--Jerry Seinfeld

***  

An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn up for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign reading, "Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this contractor will have to finish working in the dark.

***

"It's important to pay close attention in school. For years I thought that bears masturbated all winter."
--Damon R. Milhem  

***

A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

_____________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Wed, Feb 02, 2005

Woman Pleads Guilty to Selling Fake Beer

BRISBANE, Australia - A woman pleaded guilty Wednesday to selling on eBay three nonexistent cases of Duff brand beer — the favorite of cartoon character Homer Simpson.

Tara Edith Woodford, 28, pleaded guilty in the Mackay Magistrates Court in northern Queensland state to three charges of dishonestly gaining money by false pretenses.

Prosecutor Gavin Burnett told the court Woodford was paid a total of 1,951 Australian dollars (U.S. $1,511) by three separate buyers after advertising the bogus beer on the eBay Internet auction site.

In the mid-1990s, two breweries released their own "Duff Beer" in Australia until legal action by the creators of The Simpsons and the Twentieth Century Fox Film Corp. took the beer off the market. Fox has a policy of refusing to license The Simpson's merchandising for products that would be detrimental to children.

Duff beer is now a collector's item and cases can sell for as much as A$1,000 (U.S. $774) on eBay, according to Lorraine Gledhill, the treasurer of the National Beer Can Collectors Club.

Woodford's lawyer Phillip Moore said she committed the scam to buy Christmas presents and clothes for her four children.
Woodford was placed on 18 months' probation, and was ordered to reimburse the money and undergo counseling.

***********

Creators of spoof VW bomber advert come clean

Tue Feb 1, 3:12 AM ET 

FRANKFURT (Reuters) - The creators of a hoax advertisement for Volkswagen's Polo car that circulated on the Internet have apologised and promised not to repeat it, Europe's biggest carmaker says.

The so-called viral ad -- unauthorised by Volkswagen or its advertising agencies -- shows a suicide bomber detonating his explosives in a Polo parked outside a busy cafe, only to have the car absorb the blast.

The 20-second advert ends with the Volkswagen logo and the Polo's actual advertising motto: Small but Tough.

Volkswagen said in a statement on Monday it had received sworn statements from the two creators -- Dan Brooks and Lee Ford -- acknowledging that they made the ad but had not intended for it to be distributed.

"The creators regret the distribution of the film, will not publicise it further and apologise unreservedly for the damage caused to Volkswagen," it said, adding that the company would now drop legal action against the pair.

Volkswagen had lodged a criminal complaint last week over the ad, which it called "an attack on Volkswagen's good name".

*********

February 1, 2005 

North Korea says those with long hair are unhygienic anti-socialist fools

By SANG-HUN CHOE

SEOUL, South Korea (AP) - North Korea's communist government is waging war against men with long hair, calling them unhygienic anti-socialist fools, and even leader Kim Jong Il has trimmed his famous bouffant locks.

The hair campaign comes as North Korea's dictatorship struggles to tighten its control over information, monitor its population and dictate cultural tastes. It is directing men to wear their hair "socialist style," deriding shabbily coifed men as "blind followers of bourgeois lifestyle."

North Korea's state-run Central TV even identifies violators by name and address, exposing them to jeers from other citizens.

"We cannot help questioning the cultural taste of this comrade, who is incapable of feeling ashamed of his hair style," the station said Monday, showing a Mr. Ko Gwang Hyun, whose unkempt hair covered his ears. "Can we expect a man with this disheveled mind-set to perform his duty well?" the announcer asked.

The government, which demands unquestioning allegiance and controls all publications and broadcasts, is growing wary of outside influence seeping in.

The hair campaign, which began in October and is dubbed "Let's trim our hair according to socialist lifestyle," requires that hair be kept no longer than five centimetres. But the state trendsetters allowed an exception: old men can grow hair up to seven centimetres to hide balding.

The campaign claims that long hair hampers brain activity by taking oxygen away from nerves in the head. It doesn't explain why women are still allowed to grow long hair.

What a choice!