Subject: Daily Dose - 050312 - Personal Valet, THIS is TRUE, I want to sing, DDL, Rotten News

Personal Valet

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

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THIS is TRUE.......

PRIVACY, EH? The Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce admits one of its cash machines was distributing fake bills. They were obviously fake, too: they were incentive coupons issued by Canadian Tire Corp. hardware stores that were "contained within a bulk of regular currency," a bank spokesman says. The bank is also reeling from another public relations disaster: a West Virginia junkyard operator sued the bank for clogging up its fax machine -- with confidential information about hundreds of bank customers, which it was apparently sending to the wrong number. The bank lamely whined that the junkyard had violated Canadian privacy laws by revealing the bank's faxing errors. (Reuters)
...No wonder it had to resort to fake bills -- there was a run of customers trying to get their money out in a hurry.

***

PICTURE YOURSELF IN A CADILLAC: Eric Anthony Greensweight, 35, allegedly stole a $37,000 Cadillac from a dealer's lot in Ukiah, Calif. Dealership employees said Greensweight was a transient who had been sleeping in the parking lot, and raced off in a car that had the keys in it. An employee gave chase, using a cell phone to keep police updated. The Highway Patrol took over the 100-mph pursuit until Greensweight spun out of control. When Greensweight took off in the car, he left a shopping cart full of his belongings behind. (Ukiah Daily Journal)
...Right: that was his trade-in.

***

A POOR JUDGE OF CHARACTER: A group of people waiting for their court appearances on various traffic violations in Sanford, Fla., were arrested after the judge for their cases got tired of waiting for them to show up. As it happened, they had been told to wait in the wrong courtroom. Judge John R. Sloop ordered seven people arrested one day, and 11 the next, for doing what they were told. They were held for more than eight hours, including one man who was jailed for three days, even after the judge was told what happened. Chief Judge James Perry invalidated all 18 arrests, expunged the records, and relieved Judge Sloop from criminal case duty, assigning him instead to civil court duty. (Orlando Sentinel)
...Now you know why the civil courts are such a mess.

***

ANOTHER LEADING CONTENDER: Clerks at a gas station in Poulsbo, Wash., called police to report a robbery despite the robber still being inside and threatening them with a knife. The robber tried to cut the phone cord with his knife, but failed. He escaped in a waiting get-away car before police arrived, but clerks called the cops again a short time later when the car pulled in again -- the driver wanted directions out of town. "I guess they got lost," a police spokesman said. "They're not the brightest bulbs in the closet." The alleged robber, Jared Persitz, 22, and the driver, Matthew Barela, 22, not only admitted to the attempted robbery, but also to a burglary earlier in the day. (Central Kitsap Reporter)
...And thus begins the race for the Biggest Idiot of the Year.

***

AND YOU THINK AMERICAN REALITY SHOWS ARE BAD? "Pig Not Degraded by Televised Sexual Experience, British Watchdog Rules"
- AFP headline

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Softly

In some countries, it is considered inappropriate for a person to say "I need the bathroom."

So a mother decided to teach her little son to say "I want to sing" whenever he needs to relief himself.  And, the little tyke was very good at it. One weekend the little boy had to stay with gramps because mommy had to tend to some business deals.

At 2 a.m. the next morning, the little boy needed to pee, so he woke up his grampa and gently whispered, "Gramps, I want to sing"

Still groggy, gramps said "what is it you want, son??

Again the little boy said "Gramps, I want to sing". Still in a daze, Gramps said "Go ahead son, sing softly in my ear."

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DDL

There was an old man of Tagore,
Whose tool was a yard long or more.
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.

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"A group of people here in California are fighting for the right for women to be able to sunbathe topless in California. The name of this group... guys."
--Jay Leno

***  

"The U.S. Mint has released a new California state quarter. On one side is Governor Schwarzenegger's head and on the other side is the rest of his head."
--Craig Ferguson

                            ***  

"Sometimes I sit for hours weighing the fine distinctions among the words spunk, pluck, nerve, chutzpah, gall and moxie."
--George Carlin

***

favorite Amish pickup line:

"Are thee up for some plowing?"

***

BOB: "How's your head?"

ELVIRA: "I've never had any complaints."

--Elvira, Mistress of the Dark  

***

"What I like about masturbation is that you don't have to talk afterwards."
--Milos Forman  

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Rotten news...  (true)

Gunman hunted Arab-looking victims

From correspondents in Douai, France

February 05, 2005

A FRENCH truck driver who fired at French Arabs for sport because he considered them "sub-human" has been sentenced to 25 years in jail for murdering a teenager and for 16 attempted murders.

Joel Damman, 50, admitted to the court in Douai, northern France, that he roamed the streets of nearby Dunkirk seeking Arab-looking individuals while believing he was "off for a day's hunting". He wore dark hunter's garb, a cap and dark sunglasses and covered up the number plate on his vehicle, before taking pot-shots when he came across individuals from France's large Arab immigrant community, he said.

On October 4, 2002, he shot and killed a 17-year-old boy of north African origin, Mohamed Maghara, and wounded three other people who had been standing around in front of two cafes.

He said he had been especially angry that day because of a Paris trial of Islamic extremists that had been going on and because his son's girlfriend had been mugged by a gang of Arabs. He added that he had drunk a full bottle of wine and swallowed drugs the day of the murder.

When asked how he felt about north Africans today, Damman responded: "Now, I know they are human beings like us. But at the time I considered them sub-human."

*******

Music Industry Sues 83-Year-Old Dead Woman

Fri Feb 4, 5:09 PM ET

CHARLESTON, W.Va. - Gertrude Walton was recently targeted by the recording industry in a lawsuit that accused her of illegally trading music over the Internet. But Walton died in December after a long illness, and according to her daughter, the 83-year-old hated computers.

More than a month after Walton was buried in Beckley, a group of record companies named her as the sole defendant in a federal lawsuit, claiming she made more than 700 pop, rock and rap songs available for free on the Internet under the screen name "smittenedkitten."

Walton's daughter, Robin Chianumba, lived with her mother for the last 17 years and said her mother objected to having a computer in the house.

"My mother was computer illiterate. She hated a computer," Chianumba said. "My mother wouldn't know how to turn on a computer."

Chianumba said she faxed a copy of her mother's death certificate to record company officials several days before the lawsuit was filed, in response to a letter from the company regarding the upcoming legal filing.

"I believe that if music companies are going to set examples they need to do it to appropriate people and not dead people," Chianumba said. "I am pretty sure she is not going to leave Greenwood Memorial Park (where she is buried) to attend the hearing."

A Recording Industry Association of America spokesman said Thursday that Walton was likely not the smittenedkitten it is searching for.

"Our evidence gathering and our subsequent legal actions all were initiated weeks and even months ago," said RIAA spokesman Jonathan Lamy. "We will now, of course, obviously dismiss this case."

******

Pa. Man Sues Trooper Over 'Finger' Ticket

Fri Feb 4, 5:14 PM ET

PITTSBURGH - A man says a traffic ticket a state trooper gave him is for the birds — or at least for flipping the bird. Stephen Corey, 42, filed a federal lawsuit because he says he had a First Amendment right to flip his middle finger at the trooper in July.

Trooper Samuel Nassan III gave Corey, a flight attendant from Pittsburgh, a ticket for following another vehicle too closely, then wrote him up for giving "an improper hand signal while passing my patrol car, namely middle finger up," according to Corey's lawsuit.

Corey's attorney, Joel Dresbold, denies Corey made the gesture. But he said it also doesn't matter because Nassan filed the ticket as though Corey committed a motor vehicle violation — that Corey made an illegal turn signal using his hand.

"It really doesn't matter if he did it or not," Dresbold said. "Either way it's an abuse of his constitutional rights. It's lawful under the Constitution to (give the middle finger), and you can't give a ticket for doing that."

State police spokesman Jack Lewis declined to comment on the suit, which also names the state police for allegedly failing to train its troopers properly.

Nassan chuckled when told of the lawsuit — but said the ticket was proper because he said Corey gave him the finger as part of a gesture that indicated he was changing lanes, making it an improper turn signal. Nassan also acknowledged that Corey has a right to give him the finger under some circumstances.

"Absolutely, he has a right to shoot his middle finger at me unless it's in plain view of the motoring public," Nassan said.

*****

Fri Mar 11,11:40 AM ET

In this undated file photo taken by a bank manager and made available by Turkish police, Serafettin Gencel, a 47-year old Turkish man, is seen as he waits at a branch of Ziraat Bank in Balikesir, western Turkey.

Police have detained Serafettin Gencel, a Turkish man who buried his dead mother in his basement and disguised himself as her to draw her retirement pension, Turkish news agencies reported on Friday, March 11, 2005.

Tipped off by suspicious bank employees, police detained Gencel in his home after he tried to withdraw his dead mother's pension. (AP Photo/Turkish Police/ho)

John Weston
c/o Kuwait Santa Fe
PO Box 9250 Ahmadi
61003 Kuwait