Subject: Daily Dose - 050309 - carbohydric content, BIZARRE NEWS, cordless phone, DDL, Rotten News

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the carbohydric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research, they are proud to present, to the LOVE group, the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent: 12 Carbs
Without her consent: 2187 Carbs

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands: 8 Carbs
With one hand: 12 Carbs
With your teeth: 485 Carbs

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection: 6 Carbs
Without an erection: 4315 Carbs

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris: 8 Carbs
Trying to find the G-Spot: 4092 Carbs

POSITIONS:

Missionary: 12 Carbs
69 lying down: 78 Carbs
69 standing up: 812 Carbs
Wheelbarrow: 216 Carbs
Doggy Style: 326 Carbs
Italian Chandelier: 2912 Carbs

ORGASMS:

Real: 112 Carbs
Fake: 1315 Carbs

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging: 18 Carbs
Getting up immediately: 36 Carbs
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately: 816 Carbs

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

20-29 years: 36 Carbs
30-39 years: 80 Carbs
40-49 years: 124 Carbs
50-59 years: 1972 Carbs
60-69 years: 7916 Carbs
70 and over: Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:  

Calmly: 32 Carbs
In a hurry: 98 Carbs
With her father knocking at the door: 5218 Carbs
With your wife knocking at the door: 13,521 Carbs

PLEASE NOTE: Results may vary

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BIZARRE NEWS......

He Prefers It Doggy Style

Phnom Penh - A Cambodian man's new love is such a dog. Literally.

The 24-year-old man's new wife was shocked and angered to find her man in a passionate embrace with the family dog. The wife became even more upset after the man proclaimed his love for the dog and asked for a divorce.

"When we arrived, the husband told us, yes, of course he did it. We cannot solve the problem of his relationship with his dog, because under Cambodian law it is not strictly illegal," police chief Tuon Dorn said. "It is amazing, but this husband is not crazy. It seems he is a passionate human being who looked at a dog, and the more he looked, the more passionate he became."

***

He's Raking in the Beans Now

GLENDALE, California - For years, a man was oblivious to the fact that his image was featured on Taster's Choice coffee labels.

Russell Christoff, a former model from Northern California, posed for a two-hour Nestle photo shoot in 1986 but figured it was a bust -- until he came across his picture while shopping for bloody mary mix at a drug store in 2002.

Now, Christoff is $15.6 million richer after a jury ordered Nestle USA to pay him for using the likeness without his permission and profiting from it.

Some might ask why Christoff didn't notice the image sooner, but he has a simple reason for that. "I don't buy Taster's Choice," he said. "I do beans."

Well, there you go.

***

Brotherly Love Bites

WILLMAR, Minn. - Two brothers took a fight a bit too far.

Jose Juarez, 45, insulted his younger brother Roy's daughter and they began to rumble. According to witnesses, during the brawl Jose bit off a third of Roy's middle finger from his right hand.

After police arrived it appeared that Jose was noticeably intoxicated.  Roy was taken to Rice Memorial Hospital where the piece of finger was reattached successfully.

Jose Juarez faces two counts of assault charges and one count of domestic abuse.  He told KMSP-TV that he wasn't proud of what went on, but alcohol could have fueled the fire.

To quote Homer Simpson once again, "Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems." Need I say more.

***

A Little Privacy Please

VANCOUVER, British Columbia - Everyone is entitled to give his or her opinion about a piece of art, but sometimes it can go to far.

According to authorities in Pentiction, B.C., the privates of a nude male sculpture were sliced off as an act of vandalism. This particular piece of artwork sparked quite a controversy and ultimately had a metal plate bolted over the private parts.

A vote by the city council agreed to remove the metal cover and display the sculpture as the artist intended. It was approved by the mayor even though the official had objections.

Artist Michael Hermesh proclaimed his disgust for the vandalism of his artistic expression.

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Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed.

That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.

"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"

___________________________

DDL

There's a popular lady from Syria
Whose front view could scarcely be drearier.
But your day she would cheer,
If observed from the rear;
Her success rests upon her posterior.

___________________________

"The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything."
--Mark Twain

***  

"Consider this intriguing fact: Almost 50,000 people in the United States are injured each year by pencils, pens and other desk accessories. How do they do it? I have spent many long hours seated at desks where I would have greeted almost any kind of injury as a welcome diversion, but never once have I come close to achieving actual bodily harm."
--Bill Bryson, I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF

***  

"The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer industry failed to see the importance of the Internet, but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer industry failed to see that the century would end."
--Douglas Adams

***

"Down in Washington former President Clinton and George Bush have become good friends. They're buddies, pals. Though some think this is only a move by Clinton to get close to the Bush twins."
--Dave Letterman  

***

"Here's some gossip, the "New York Post" says that Monica Lewinsky and Chelsea Clinton were recently in the same nightclub, but they didn't run into each other. Actually, Chelsea walked by Monica's table, but luckily Monica was under it at the time."
--Jay Leno

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Sticker stuck in cop's craw

By Brian D. Crecente, Rocky Mountain News

January 25, 2005

A Denver police sergeant is under investigation for allegedly threatening to arrest a woman Monday for displaying on her truck a derogatory bumper sticker about President Bush.

"He told her that this was a warning and that the next time he saw her truck, she was going to be arrested if she didn't remove the sticker," said Alinna Figueroa, 25, assistant manager of The UPS Store where the confrontation took place. "I couldn't believe it."

Denver police have initiated an investigation into the alleged incident, said Police Chief Gerry Whitman. He declined to comment further.

About 11 a.m., Shasta Bates, 26, was standing in the shopping center store in the 800 block of South Monaco Parkway when a man walked in and started arguing with her about a bumper sticker on the back of her truck that had "F--- Bush" in white letters on a black background.

"He was saying it was very sick and wrong and you shouldn't be doing that," Bates said. "He was very offended by it. I said, 'You didn't have to take it so personally.' "

The two argued for a few minutes, and then the man walked out of the store and stood behind Bates' truck. A few minutes later, the man flagged down police Sgt. Michael Karasek, who was patrolling the area.

Bates said she hasn't had many complaints about her sticker, which has shared the space on the back of her truck with many other stickers since August.

Colorado ACLU Legal Director Mark Silverstein said that the alleged threat of arrest clearly violates First Amendment protection.

"The Supreme Court considered a case about 30-some years ago where a person was prosecuted for wearing a jacket that said, 'F--- the draft,' on the back. The Supreme Court said states could not prohibit people from wearing such a jacket," he said. "They said, 'One man's profanity is another man's lyric.' "

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Can't sit still? You must be thin

Thu Jan 27, 4:11 PM ET 

By Maggie Fox, Health and Science Correspondent

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - People who literally cannot sit still may have inborn behaviour that keeps them slim even if they overeat a little, researchers in the United States say.

Tests on slim and overweight people who all described themselves as 'couch potatoes' showed the main difference between the two groups was how long they spent sitting still.

"Our study shows that the calories that people burn in their everyday activities are far, far more important in obesity than we previously imagined," said Dr. James Levine of the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, who helped lead the study published on Thursday.

His team recruited 10 normal-weight and 10 obese men and women for their study, persuading them to wear special underwear with sensors that logged every move, however small.

They found the obese people spent, on average, more than two extra hours a day sitting still compared with the lean volunteers. That did not include sleeping time, which was the same between the two groups.

The difference in activity accounted for about 350 calories a day -- enough to add 10 pounds a year.

Then they tested the idea that maybe heavier people were forced to sit more.

They put their obese volunteers on a 1,000 calorie-a-day diet for two months and they lost, on average, 18 pounds. But their activity levels did not change.

"And how about if lean people gained weight?" Levine asked. "We took lean people and we overfed them and they gained a lot of excess weight and they remained get-up-and-goers."

The tendency to fidget may be genetic or it may be learned at a very early age, Levine said.

"The idea is there is either a 'get-up-to-go' gene or there is a gene that sends you into your chair," Levine said. "I am actually of the belief that what happens in childhood is absolutely key."

Either way, the answer may be to encourage plenty of physical activity early on in life. With two-thirds of the U.S. population overweight or obese and other countries quickly catching up, someone clearly needs to figure something out, Levine said.

*********

Thu, Jan 27, 2005

Man Struck by Car Responsible for Damages

CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico - A man hospitalized with a possible skull fracture and other injuries after being struck by a car is being held responsible for damages to the vehicle.

Sergio Segundo Ruiz, 60, was hit Monday about 10:30 p.m. when he crossed an avenue, apparently without taking any precautions, said Jose Adan Reyes, an official from the city's traffic department.

Under local law, crossing the street with disregard for safety and approaching traffic is an infraction, Reyes said.

A city police officer was posted outside Segundo's hospital room. The owner of the 1986 Ford Taurus involved in the accident was freed and is awaiting payment for the damages, the extent of which was not released.

JO needs to work on parking lot congestion.