Subject: Daily Dose 050308 - CLOCK SHOP, BIZARRE NEWS, running joke, DDL, Rotten News

CLOCK SHOP

A dude taking a stroll stops in at a clock-shop and lays his dick on the counter.

The girl behind the counter walks over and says to him, "This is a CLOCK-shop, not a COCK-shop!"

The dude calmly says, "I know, put a face and two hands on it!"

_______________________

BIZARRE NEWS.......

Bizarre Answers from Family Feud

[Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show "Family Feud."]

Q: Name something a blind person might use:
A: A sword.

Q: Name a song with moon in the title:
A: Blue Suede Moon.

Q: Name a bird with a long neck:  
A: A penguin.

Q: Name an occupation where you need a torch:
A: A burglar.

Q: Name something you wear on the beach:
A: A deck chair.

Q: Name something red:
A: My cardigan.

Q: Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers:
A: A horse.

Q: Name a number you have to memorize:
A: Seven.

Q: Name something you put on walls:
A: Roofs.

Q: Name something that doesn't have an engine:
A: Dishes.

Q: Name something you might be allergic to:
A: Skiing.

Q: Name a non-living object with legs:
A: A plant.

Q: Name a part of the body beginning with "n":
A: Knee.

***  

Making A Date With Disaster

NEW CASTLE, Del. - After you rob a woman it's probably not a good idea to ask her out.

Police stated that after two men robbed a Domino's Pizza delivery woman one of the suspects called her on his cell phone to apologize and ask for a date. The victim wasn't interested in him, but was interested in giving the police his cell phone number.

Brent Brown, 25, was arrested along with 18-year-old Andre Moore and now faces second-degree robbery charges.

Police are still on the lookout for a 16-year-old suspect that was connected to the crime. Officers searched the boy's home And found the evidence they needed, pizza boxes with the receipt.

Hey, there are easier ways to meet women.

***

A Sign of the Times

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - A Nashville motel owner is determined to protect his business from guests smoking dope.

Owner Devan Bhatt took the liberty of displaying signs, which read "No Pot Smoking", in the many rooms of the Trinity Inn Motel. Bhatt said this was an attempt to clean up the image of his motel, since it is located in a section of Nashville that is notorious for drug dealing and prostitution.

Bhatt feels strongly about the image of his business. He told WSMV, a Nashville TV station, that if his guests don't appreciate his "No Pot Smoking" policy, they can take their business elsewhere.

Also on hand is a list of things that you can't flush down the toilet.

***

An Apple A Day Won't Keep Cops Away

LONDON - This group of police officers must have had too much time on their hands. They called in a spotter plane, helicopter and video-equipped patrol car to convict a woman who was eating an apple while driving to work.

Nine court hearings and a two-hour trial later, nursery nurse Sarah McCaffery was fined 60 pounds (111 dollars) when a court agreed with the police decision to give her a penalty ticket.

The plane, helicopter and car were used to film road conditions on the route she took in Tyneside, northeast England.

"It is a joke they put so much effort into this," McCaffery said. "You would think they had better things to do."

She said she had both hands on the wheel of her Ford Ka and was driving safely.

***

Why It's Not Good To Fake It

MACHIAS, Maine - Faking chest pains and pretending to have a heart attack may not be the best ways to avoid paying the bill at a restaurant. Elias I. Elias, 54, will most likely realize this as he spends the next 90 days in jail.

According to authorities, Elias would order a meal, eat and enjoy, and then fake his need for medical assistance when the check arrived. He would be taken to a local hospital but usually left before police arrived.

District Attorney Paul Cavanaugh said the most recent incident marked the 13th time that Elias tried to skip paying the check. Elias' court-appointed attorney, Jeffrey Davidson, told the judge that the homeless and unemployed man just wanted to eat a restaurant meal "like anybody else."

________________________

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.

"So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell drugs.

________________________

DDL

Young girl approaches, with face so sweet.
I observe her, as she makes her retreat.
Viewed from the rear,
In hindsight , it's clear,
Thongs should only be worn on the feet!

_________________________

"I have a friend whose life is so boring, he has a bumper sticker on his car that says, 'Hit me. I need the excitement.'"
--Bill Jones

***  

"Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?"
--Tommy Sledge

***  

"Bob Barker is returning to "Price Is Right" for his 34th year! He will be at the show until 2009, when he'll be replaced by Conan O'Brien."
--Dave Letterman

***

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?  

A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.  

***

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office.  "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "It's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

______________________

Rotten News...  (true)

THE MAN WHO DRINKS PETROL

Feb 4 2005

By Kevin Donald

A MAN has been banned from garages - for sneaking on to forecourts to drink petrol.

Brian Taylor, 36, has been branded a four-star pest for slashing hoses to get at the fuel and terrorising staff and shoppers. He was pictured on security cameras pouring a drink of unleaded before doing a maniacal dance while high on fumes.

Taylor, who doesn't drive, has been issued with an anti-social behaviour order banning him from all garages in Teesside. The ASBO means he can't even get a carry-out - as the order forbids him having a petrol can in a public place.

Teesside magistrates heard that on 51 occasions he terrorised staff and shoppers after drinking and sniffing petrol at the filling station at Asda's South Bank store.

He usually went for unleaded but was happy with four star and diesel, police said.

It is thought his actions have cost Asda more than £3000 in damage and lost fuel.

Taylor denies drinking petrol - but admits he loves to sniff it. Footage showed him filling an empty fizzy drink bottle with fuel, lifting it to his lips and putting back his head. He claims he was just inhaling the fumes.

Petrol is a mixture of volatile toxic hydrocarbons, which are quickly absorbed through the stomach and lungs and act as a depressant, similar to alcohol. Sniffing or drinking the chemical gives an instant high - but it may contribute to brain damage and harm the central nervous system and major organs.

********

Prostitute Sees Sex Trade Hope for Jobless

Tue Feb 1,10:19 AM ET

BERLIN Jan 31 (Reuters) - A celebrated Berlin prostitute said Monday that German job center advisers shouldn't shy away from offering jobs in the sex industry to the long-term unemployed.

Molly Luft, who sold her famous Berlin brothel two months ago and now runs a bar in the city's lively Kreuzberg district, said the sex industry was always looking for new recruits.

"Why shouldn't they send the unemployed to work in the sex industry? Before it was a gray zone, but now employees are insured and receive benefits," Luft told Reuters. "People would no longer be unemployed and could earn themselves a living."

German sex workers have been on a par with any other employee since the government legalized prostitution in 2001. They are entitled to social security benefits and pay taxes.

"One can't expect everyone to be prepared to work in the sex industry," Luft said. "Plus if people aren't very attractive they aren't going to make much money," she added.

********

Tue, Feb 01, 2005

Policeman robs bank then takes on the case

STOCKHOLM (Reuters) - A Swedish police officer has confessed that he robbed a bank and later investigated the crime himself, telling reporters at the time police had no clues.

The 36-year-old was officially charged on Monday by Bollnas district court in central Sweden for the December 17 armed robbery, according to court documents obtained by Reuters on Tuesday.

How much money the policeman stole was not disclosed but described as sizeable. An hour after the crime he returned to the bank as a leading police investigator handling the case.

Colleagues became suspicious in mid-November when he bought a new car, paying 219,000 Swedish crowns (16,700 pounds) in cash using banknotes from the robbery, the court said.

Nuts!