Subject: Daily Dose - 050307 - Rosh Hashanah, BIZARRE NEWS, base
commissary, DDL, Rotten News
Jewish girl tells her Catholic
college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish
girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl
replies, "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the
Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl
replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the
shofar."
The Catholic girl replies,
"That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your
help."
_________________________
BIZARRE NEW.....
Bizarre Courtroom Testimony
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your
first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Could you see him from where you
were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm
being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
Q: What is your relationship with
the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Were you acquainted with the
deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q. Did you ever stay all night with
this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that
your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
***
Speaker Turns Students On To Exotic
Dancing
SAN FRANCISCO - A speaker at a
middle school's annual career day gave an hour-long talk entitled "The
Secret of a Happy Life." The secret, however, was one that parents and
teachers weren't expecting.
The guest speaker, William Fried,
told the attentive eighth-graders at Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School that
stripping - or exotic dancing - could be a good career choice.
He mentioned that strippers can make
$250,000 a year or more, and the exact amount of income is proportional to the
dancer's bust size! He went on to say, "The truth of the matter is you can
earn a tremendous amount of money as an exotic dancer, if that's your
desire."
Fried shouldn't be surprised if he's
not invited back to the school next year to give another
"informative" talk.
***
Pretty in Pink?
PHOENIX, Az. - Inmates in Maricopa
County are in the pink - pink handcuffs, that is.
To eliminate the loss of any more
pairs of handcuffs, sheriff Joe Arpaio introduced the fluorescent pink cuffs to
transport prisoners. He ordered 1,000 of the pink handcuffs, which are made in
England, at $19.44 each.
"We presume nobody else has
pink handcuffs, so we can spot them and know they're ours," he said.
The pastel handcuffs will fit right
in with the county's color scheme. Maricopa County inmates already don pink
boxers and sleep on pink sheets, so the handcuffs shouldn't look out of place
at all!
***
Well, It Probably Helped Him Run
Faster
WEST MEMPHIS, Ark. - You may not
give a second glance to a man taking a late-night jog. However, you'd do a
double take if said man is going for his run in the nude.
Police in the West Memphis area have
received numerous reports of a man jogging in the nude over the past few
months. They finally think they have gotten their suspect in custody.
Fate Patterson was arrested after
running past a police car and not stopping when ordered by officers. He gave
chase but was finally stopped by police and their tasers.
According to Mike Allen, assistant
chief of the West Memphis police department, it is still unknown why Patterson
ran around nude. Allen said, "You know, this one has just got me kind of
speechless."
***
Naked Woman Spreads Message of
Repentance
OREM, Utah - Meandering naked in
public seems to be popular this week. Here's a story about one Utah woman's
method to get the public's attention.
She arrived at the local post office
to pick up her mail, wearing nothing but her boots and glasses. While there,
she told the patrons that they needed to repent. Police stopped her as she
began driving away.
She repeated her declaration of
repentance and was then taken into custody.
The woman was sent to a local
hospital for psychiatric evaluation.
I wonder if anyone took her advice
seriously...
_________________________
As the wife of a lance corporal in
the Marines, I have found the base commissary to have very long lines. After an
interminable wait, a friend of mine had almost made it to the checkout counter.
From nowhere, a woman with a cart
load of groceries pushed her way forward exclaiming, "I have to go next!
I'm invited to a party at the general's house tonight."
Annoyance showed on many faces,
until someone farther down the line spoke up. "You can go to the end of
the line," she said. "I'm the one giving the party."
__________________________
DDL
Said a worn-out young fellow named
Tabor,
To his nymphomaniacal neighbor:
"In sex I delight,
But a dozen a night,
Comes under the heading of slave labor."
__________________________
"I can picture in my mind a
world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that
world, because they'd never expect it."
--Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
***
"Guess who was at the auto show
in Detroit opening night? Bill Clinton. And they had the beautiful auto show
models, showing the cars, you know. And he was seen talking to one of the
models apparently about the price for a hummer."
--David Letterman
***
"If your mind goes blank, don't
forget to turn off the sound."
--Red Green
***
"People who say they don't care
what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care
what people think."
--George Carlin
***
"I have no respect for gangs
today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days,
like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other."
--Robert G. Lee
_________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
February 7, 2005. 9:46am (AEDT)
Thirteen killed, 500 injured in
Pakistan kite-flying festival
Thirteen people have been killed and
more than 500 injured during an annual kite-flying festival in the eastern
Pakistani city of Lahore, officials said.
Seven people with severe head
injuries died in the city's General Hospital alone and some 220 people were
admitted with a variety of injuries including broken bones overnight, hospital
officials said.
The two-day festival of Basant
marking the start of spring began on Saturday evening with thousands of
revellers perched on rooftops.
Two teenagers were killed when they
fell from a roof on Sunday and two more were killed when a car hit them while
they were trying to catch a stray kite, police said.
A man was killed by a stray bullet
while another was electrocuted when metal wire used to fly a kite became draped
over live electric lines, they said.
Officials said more than 300 injured
people were taken to four other hospitals in different parts of the city.
Officials said more than 50,000
people from across the country had arrived in Lahore along with 10,000 other
Pakistanis residing in the Middle East, Europe and the United States to
celebrate the occasion with friends or relatives.
- AFP
**********
Gaddafi's gun-toting son runs wild
Charles Bremner, Paris
February 05, 2005
FRANCE has lodged a protest with
Libya after Hannibal Gaddafi, youngest son of Muammar Gaddafi, allegedly beat
up a woman in a Paris hotel, scuffled with police, brandished a gun and falsely
claimed diplomatic immunity.
The Foreign Ministry issued a
statement deploring the incident after the French police officers' union
expressed anger at the way in which Mr Gaddafi, 29, had twice made fools of
them through his claim to immunity in the past six months.
"We are letting the Libyan
authorities know about our unhappiness over these repeated incidents caused by
Hannibal Gaddafi," the ministry said. "Mr Gaddafi does not benefit
from diplomatic immunity."
In September, Mr Gaddafi, who is a
student at a business school in Copenhagen, was released on the spot by police,
who had pursued him as he allegedly drove his black Porsche at speeds of up to
140km/h through red lights on the wrong side of the Champs Elysees while drunk.
Arriving in other cars, his six
bodyguards scuffled with police. One later received a suspended sentence.
In Mr Gaddafi's latest Paris outing,
he allegedly beat his female companion when she refused him access to a room at
the InterContinental hotel in central Paris at about 2am on Wednesday.
She was taken to hospital and
treated for bruises. She later brought an assault suit against Mr Gaddafi, but
he had already returned to Copenhagen, police said.
Mr Gaddafi is alleged to have
brandished a 9mm pistol before agreeing to hand it over to police. He then
checked into the Royal Monceau hotel and police were again called when he began
smashing furniture.
French police union official
Frederic Lagache said: "Libyan officials then stepped in and smoothed
things over. Thanks to his immunity, Hannibal Gaddafi left without being
bothered at all -- not questioned or held in custody.
"If he does not have immunity,
he must answer for his actions like any normal citizen. We are angry because we
feel powerless in the face of this type of case. Luckily, this boy is a nutter
and a rare case. He sees his immunity like a free pass, and that is
unacceptable."
The Times
*******
Radar Police Stumped by Parking
Ticket
Fri Feb 4, 2:28 PM ET
Oddly Enough - Reuters
BERLIN (Reuters) - An over-zealous
policeman slapped a parking ticket on the windshield of a fellow officer's
squad car while his colleagues were setting a radar trap to catch speeding
motorists in a town in eastern Germany.
"Traffic regulations apply for
everyone," Hans-Joachim Schneider, head of the Jessen town office, told
the Mitteldeutsche Zeitung newspaper.
The radar police had parked their
squad car on the wrong side of the road -- facing the oncoming traffic.
Strange mouse....