Subject: Daily Dose - 050306 - I'm so pissed off, BIZARRE NEWS, BUSH'S
ALPHABET, DDL, Rotten News
Coming into the bar and ordering a
double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed
off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?"
asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful
woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped
into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the
ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough,"
commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what
really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the
room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And
damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my
head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender
shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you
what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and
groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the
window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that's awful!" says
the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what
really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that
their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That
would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the
fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me
off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the
ground."
________________________
BIZARRE NEWS.......
Bizarre Excuses for Calling in Sick
[These are actual excuses workers gave for missing work.]
* I was sprayed by a skunk.
* I tripped over my dog and was
knocked unconscious.
* My bus broke down and was held up
by robbers.
* I was arrested as a result of
mistaken identity.
* I forgot to come back to work
after lunch.
* I couldn't find my shoes.
* I hurt myself bowling.
* I was spit on by a venomous snake.
* I totaled my wife's jeep in a
collision with a cow.
* A hit man was looking for me.
* My curlers burned my hair and I
had to go to the hair-dresser.
* I eloped.
* My brain went to sleep and I couldn't
wake it up.
* My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
* I had to be there for my husband's
grand jury trial.
* I forgot what day of the week it
was.
* Someone slipped drugs in my drink
last night.
***
Famous Last Words
OVIEDO, Fla. - Talk about timing.
Right after a Presbyterian minister uttered the words "And when I go to
heaven..." during his sermon, he collapsed and died at the pulpit.
The Rev. Jack Arnold, 69, was at the
end of his sermon Sunday at Covenant Presbyterian Church when he suddenly
grabbed onto the podium before falling to the floor. Several parishioners with
medical backgrounds tried to revive Arnold and paramedics were called, but he
appeared to die instantly.
Before Arnold collapsed, he quoted
Bible scholar John Wesley who said, "Until my work on this earth is done,
I am immortal. But when my work for Christ is done...I go to be with
Jesus."
*******
Burglars Prefer Popcorn and Porn
SPRINGFIELD, Vt. - Police are on the
lookout for the suspects responsible for a break in at a social service
agency's office. According to Marie Saunders, director of the local Council on
Aging, the burglars didn't make off with money or confidential files. Instead,
they made themselves at home.
The intruders cooked up some
microwave popcorn, courtesy of one of the desk drawers, and viewed internet
porn via an office computer.
At this time the suspects are still
at large, but this goes to show you that these lawbreakers just needed a little
"Me" time.
********
McDonald's Baby Doesn't Come With
Fries
UNION, Mo. - Ann McDonald suddenly
went into labor without a hospital around. McDonald and her mother headed off
for the closest possible one, but had to stop because the baby just couldn't
wait.
After they pulled over the baby was
delivered - right in front of a McDonald's restaurant, no less.
The proud mom has been the recipient
of razzing over her son's birthplace. She named her son Chayse Westin McDonald.
Sorry folks, there will be no Ronald
McDonald the second.
________________________
BUSH'S ALPHABET
A is for America, land of the free
B is for butt-kicking the enemy
C is for compassionated that's what
I am
D is for destiny: the Lord and His plan
E is for evil-doers I'm not afraid
to face
F is for Florida where a miracle took place
G is for God who I'm on a mission
from
H is for Halliburton, and their will be done
I is for Iraq, which got licked by a
Texan
J for Jeb who knows how to speak Mex'can
K for Kathy Harris, who fixed the
election
L is for liberals who now need protection
M is for the mandate that I didn't
need
N for nine-eleven and where it would lead
O for oil companies who banked my
campaign
P for the petro-dollars that they will soon gain
Q is for questions best kept under
the lid
R is for all the reading that I never did
S for social security, which we will
soon ditch
T is for taxes, something not for the rich
U for the U.N. and its weak-kneed
direction
V for Vietnam and my daddy's connections
W for WMDs, I guess they were
loaners
X is for Exxon, one of my biggest donors
Y for yes I will win the economy bet
Z is for all our zillion dollars of debt!
Some say I was blessed with the mind
of a flea
But I run this country, from the A to the Z...
(I don't write these....)
_________________________
DDL
An old man of Texas named Tanners
Was notorious for his bad manners.
When he noticed the start
On an imminent fart,
He'd announce it with bullhorns and banners.
_________________________
"The Woman's Channel - you
know, the Lifetime Channel - is working on a new reality series called
"You're not the man I married," where brides discover after a few
years of marriage that the man they married isn't who they thought he'd be.
There's a similar show in the works from the guys' perspective. It's called
"Honey, have you put on a couple of pounds?"
--Jay Leno
***
"Today was Groundhog Day. I did
the same thing I do every year on Groundhog Day. I went over to Rupert G's Deli
and I ordered a groundhog pita wrap."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Paris Hilton is to host
"Saturday Night Live" this week. When asked about hosting the show
she said, "What day do they tape that show?"
--Craig Ferguson
***
ADVICE
If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound.
--Red Green
***
They say that 50% of all marriages
end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50%
end in death.
________________________
Welsh rugby fan cuts off testicles
after win
Tue Feb 8, 5:31 AM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - A Welsh rugby fan
cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the
Daily Mirror has reported.
Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced
England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club,
"If Wales win I'll cut my balls off", the paper said on Tuesday.
Friends at the club in Caerphilly,
south Wales, thought he was joking.
But after the game Huish went home,
severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 metres back to the bar with
the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.
Huish was taken to hospital where he
remained in a seriously ill condition, the paper said. Police told the paper he
had a history of mental problems.
Wales's 11-9 victory over England at
the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12
years.
***********
Mon, Feb 07, 2005
4-Year-Old Mich. Boy Drives Mother's
Car
SAND LAKE, Mich. - A boy drove his
mother's car to a video store in the middle of the night, police said — and
he's all of 4 years old. Unable to reach the accelerator, the boy managed to
put the car in gear and make his way to the store, a quarter-mile from his
home, about 1:30 a.m. Friday, Sand Lake Police Chief Doug Heugel said. Finding
the store closed, the youngster began a slow trip home.
Weaving and with its headlights off,
the car got the attention of Officer Jay Osga, who first thought he was following
a car that had been left running at a gas pump.
He flipped on his lights when the
car turned into the apartment complex and struck two parked cars. The boy put
the car in reverse and struck Osga's cruiser.
The mother told police her son tried
to drive the car earlier after she let him steer from her lap.
"He's 4 years old. His mom
didn't even know he was up," Heugel told The Grand Rapids Press. "I
don't think he even realizes what he did."
No charges will be filed against the
boy or his mother, Heugel said.
**********
Mon, Feb 07, 2005
Can you fight flab with a
toothbrush?
TOKYO (Reuters) - If you want to
keep trim, forget the diet books and gym membership -- you may be better off
just brushing your teeth more often, according to a Japanese study.
In a survey of the everyday habits
of nearly 14,000 people whose average age was in their mid-40s, Dr. Takashi
Wada of Jikei University in Tokyo found that those who managed to stay slim
tended to brush their teeth after every meal.
Overweight men sometimes went more
than a day without brushing their teeth, according to the study, published in
the Journal of the Japan Society for the Study of Obesity.
Wada and his team compared the
lifestyles of people whose body mass index (BMI) was over 25 -- the level
doctors define as overweight -- with those of slimmer people. The survey
covered eating and drinking habits, sleep, work and exercise.
The results do not mean that
brushing in itself constitutes a fat-burning exercise, the authors say.
"It's a sign that these people
are careful about their health -- they want to maintain the appearance of their
teeth and prevent bad breath," the paper said. "We think actively
encouraging the habit of toothbrushing would play a role in maintaining health
and would help prevent obesity."
World Championship Tour surfers and
locals surfers ride on the world's longest surfboard to set an unofficial
Guinness World Record of 47 surfers on the 40-foot board shaped by Gold Coast
shaper Nev Hyman at Snapper Rock on the Gold Coast, Saturday, March 5, 2005.
The record attempt is part of the 'Tsunamirun,' a charity set up to raise funds
for Tsunami victims. (AP Photo/Steve Holland)