Subject: Daily Dose - 050305 - More Groaners

There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.

You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.

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Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii, sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team, after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

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A man stumbled into the emergency room dressed in a medieval bard's outfit, clutching his stomach with one hand and moaning in agony. With his free hand he was clutching a lute, which he dropped on the floor in front of the nurse's station. He then collapsed in a heap on the floor, rolled himself into a fetal position, and began to moan much louder.

Fearing serious food poisoning, doctors quickly brought a stretcher out and rolled him into the bowels of the ER. Half an hour later, the man walked past the nurse and out the door, whistling happily to himself.

Noticing that the man looked much healthier, the nurse asked one of the doctors what was ailing the man.

The doctor shrugged and said "nothing big, just minstrel cramps."

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After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes.

"I thought I told you to go forth and multiply."

One of the snakes replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see, we're adders."

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When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.  In less than half an hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said .. "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

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My cousin is in a bad spot. He's got a bad inner ear problem that needs surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing on that side. He has no insurance, though, and the cost is WAY too much for him.

He does have a way out, though. A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only if he'll marry her, afterwards! She's 50 years older than him!

You could call it a wife or deaf situation.

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Man works in a hardware store, and all of a sudden one day, a whole lot of tins of paint fall on him. He's whisked off to hospital where they manage to clean him up physically, but mentally there's some definite scarring.

It was such an unusual case that the psychologist, treating the victim, called it by a brand-new term... Post-chromatic Stress Disorder.

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Mr. Combs had a furniture store specializing in ornate antiques in the baroque style. He had walking pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway.

He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine. He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors. Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it.

Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he learned one important rule:  If it's not baroque, don't Vicks it.

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Q:What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?  

A:Juan on Juan.

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Q:Why did the cookie cry?  

A:Because his Mom had been a wafer too long.

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Q:What happens when two bullets get married?

A:They have a BB.

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A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught.

"What was the most exciting discovery you found there?", asked a fellow professor.

One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment."

Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?"

Replied the botanist, "Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

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Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each.

Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.

When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?"

"Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so I ate that too."

His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!"

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I was in a gas station the other day and a man was getting gas and he was smoking a cigarette. I went inside to pay for my gas.

The man outside somehow caught his arm on fire. He came running inside the store, and the clerk shot him.

I asked the clerk why he shot the man and he said, "He had a fire arm!"

Bad Day.....