Subject: Daily Dose - 050302 - Imprisonment, BIZARRE NEWS, jokester, DDL, Rotten News

Imprisonment

The newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the girl, very afraid, tells her husband: "Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"

"I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put the prisoner in the prison" said the new husband.

After the first one the guy is laying face up on the bed. The new wife was delighted and tells her husband, "Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!"

The guy is tired, but says, "Lets put him into the prison another time!!"

After the second his wife is very sweet-toothed and tells him, "Honey!!!... The prisoner is out again!!!"

The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal. After they do the deed the third time he is laying on the bed, exhausted when his wife says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"

With his last breath he weakly yells, "HEY! It's not life imprisonment!!

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BIZARRE NEWS.......

Bizarre Facts About the Human Body

A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speeds up to 60 mph.

A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day.

A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz. of gas in a single flatulent emission, or about 17 oz. in a day.

According to German researchers, the risk of heart attack is higher on Monday than any other day of the week.

After spending hours working at a computer display, look at a blank piece of white paper. It will probably appear pink.

Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.

Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.

If you go blind in one eye, you'll only lose about one-fifth of your vision (but all your depth perception.)

The average human produces 25,000 quarts of spit in a lifetime, enough to fill two swimming pools.

***  

Say It, Don't Spray It

EAGLE LAKE, Fla. - Some people need to just let things go. Eagle Lake's Vice Mayor Dennis Pate is one of them.

The "official" accused former city manager Linda Weldon of spitting at him after a city council meeting last month. He has now decided there should be a rule to prohibit spitting at meetings.

"That is the most asinine and juvenile thing I have heard," Weldon proclaimed. "I wouldn't get that close to him. It is just childish stuff, and I don't want to be a part of it any more."

The alleged spitting incident occurred after an argument between the pair at the meeting. "She came at me and said, 'Oh, phew on you, Dennis Pate,'" he said. "It looked like she was trying to spit - she spit at me. I don't believe city government includes spitting at someone."

***

I Bit the Law and the Law Won

FORT WORTH, Texas - After a judge announced that defendant Lonnie B. Howard had been found guilty of indecency with a child, Howard burst into a state of rage. He threw a pitcher of water across the courtroom, which may have been aimed at the victim's family, according to Terry Grisham of the Tarrant County Sheriff's Office.

He then vaulted for the family and bit the face of a bailiff that was restraining him. Now, he faces (no pun intended) aggravated assault charges.

Howard's mother also took part in the fisticuffs and was hospitalized soon after for chest pains. She could possibly face assault charges for her participation.

Like mother, like son.  

***

Is That a Gun In Your Pants...

DAYTON, Ohio - One evening, Jeffery Wagner, 22, went to a friend's house to show off his gun. After the show-and-tell session, Wagner put the gun back in the place any normal person would...in the waistband of his pants.

I'm sure you have guessed by now that this story can't have a happy ending.

Sure enough, the weapon went off in his pants and a bullet became lodged in his right leg. His friend rushed him to Good Samaritan Hospital and he was treated for the accidental shooting.

I think it's time this guy found a safer hobby - perhaps stamp or coin collecting would be better for him.

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I was at a party this weekend and a jokester, stifling a laugh said, "Listen to this: One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..."

At this, my Jewish friend, Al Cohen said, "Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Always two Jews! Why do they have to be Jewish? Can't you tell the joke with other nationalities involved? Why don't you make them Chinese for a change?"

The jokester, sobered and embarrassed, said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend. Here's the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao-chen Foo were going to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang's nephew..."

________________________

DDL

In my fridge there resides a mold,
Whose colors are stunningly bold.
When I found it last night,
I said with a fright,
That the thing must be twenty years old.

_________________________

"The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex."
--Jay Leno

***  

"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat."
--Buzz Nutley

***  

"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error."
--Dennis Miller

***

Longevity, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary  

***

Litigation, n. A machine which you go into a pig and come out of as a sausage.
--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary  

***

What is the technical name for a female sex change operation?  

An Addadicktomy!

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Rotten News...  (true)

Tue, Dec 07, 2004

Scots snare World Elephant Polo title

LONDON (Reuters) - Scotland can finally declare themselves sporting heavyweights after winning the Elephant Polo World Championship in Nepal.

The Scots snared the 2004 title after a week-long tournament in the Himalayan kingdom's Royal Chitawan National Park, attended by crowds of up to 5,000 people.

"It's fantastic for Scotland -- we don't normally win a huge number of tournaments these days," team captain the Duke of Argyll told Reuters on Tuesday.

The Scots beat local favourites National Parks of Nepal, 12-6 on Friday last week, winning back a crown they held in 2001, in a game where a foul is declared if an elephant picks up the ball with its trunk.

Elephant polo is similar to normal polo but the pitch is smaller and the four competitors on each side play two 10-minute "chukkas". Elephants are controlled by "mahouts" or drivers, while the polo players wield long bamboo sticks to hit the ball.

*********

Calif. Man Has 1,497 Valid Credit Cards

Thu Dec 2, 5:17 PM ET

PISMO BEACH, Calif. - The man known as "Mr. Plastic Fantastic" has great credit. So great, in fact, that it takes a wallet nearly as long as a football field to carry his credit cards.

Walter Cavanagh owns 1,497 valid credit cards (he assumes a card is valid until he hears otherwise) with a potential credit line of about $1.7 million.

The retired real estate broker, who lives in the small San Luis Obispo County community of Shell Beach, said his collecting began with a bet more than three decades ago. He and a friend were sitting in his apartment in 1969 and bet who could collect the most credit cards. The loser would buy dinner.

Cavanagh managed to obtain 143 cards in a year and got a rib-eye steak dinner. He also caught the plastic bug. He has become so good at collecting the cards that he has a place in the Guinness Book of World Records, which gave him his nickname.

He also holds the title for the world's longest wallet — a 38-pound monster that is 250 feet long and can hold 800 cards.

Most of his collection is kept in bank safe deposit boxes, however.

His cards include antiques in paper and aluminum. A number are from long-defunct department stores, gas stations and bars. They come from as far away as Germany and Spain.

"Most cards are from such obscure places, you've never heard of them," Cavanagh said Tuesday.

One treasure is a sterling silver credit card offering "unlimited credit privileges" from the Mapes Hotel, the first hotel-casino in Reno, Nev. It closed in 1982.

"Maybe they gave out too many," Cavanagh joked. 

********

Fri, Dec 03, 2004

Police Follow Doughnut Trail, Solve Crime

HARRISBURG, Pa. - Police followed a trail of doughnuts to find a stolen Krispy Kreme delivery truck.

"It has a happy ending," Swatara Township Sgt. Robert Simmonds said. "The evidence was brought back to the police station, and the cops are eating the doughnuts."

It was 12:45 a.m. Thursday when Krispy Kreme deliveryman Tim Trostle stopped at a Swatara Township convenience store and left the engine running as he made the delivery. Someone fled with the truck, but since Trostle had left the back doors open, police were able to follow a trail of doughnuts.

No arrests were immediately made. The truck was returned to the company.

Although Simmonds had been joking about police taking the contents of the truck, he acknowledged seeing Krispy Kreme doughnuts in a station conference room Thursday.

"I suspect that the manager from the Krispy Kreme might have given us a little thank you for our efforts," he said.