Subject: Daily Dose - 050228 - huge hickey, BIZARRE NEWS, Henry Kissinger,
DDL, Rotten News
A married man had a sweet young
thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to
tell her that he had to 'work late' and she said, 'no problem.'
After dinner they went back to her
apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey
on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?
He walked in the door and was
greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and
pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck with one hand he
walked into the living room and exclaimed, "Honey! Look at what the dog
did to my neck!"
His wife jumped up, ripped open her
blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my breasts!"
_______________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre 2004 - A Year In
Oddities
The heat generated by a laptop, and
the knees-together pose needed to balance it, can damage a man's fertility.
[I could have told you
that!]
George W Bush got the highest number
of votes for president of any candidate in US history, in November 2004. John
Kerry got the second highest number.
Germany has an 18-year-old Member of
Parliament - Julia Bonk, a member of the Saxony legislature. Her name is not
funny in German.
There is a world record for being
able to squirt liquids out of a human eye. The existing record is 8.7 feet, but
a Turkish man claims to have broken the record with a 9.2 feet squirt.
Saddam Hussein's son Uday kept nine
lions as the centrepiece of a bizarre menagerie of exotic animals. In July the
lions were moved to Baghdad zoo.
More than one billion birds crash
into buildings in the US every year. Mirrored office blocks are a particular
hazard.
Reports of UFOs in Britain have
dwindled since the late 1990s. Sightings have gone from about 30 a week to
almost zero; it's a trend echoed in the US and Norway.
According to BBC News
***
Man's Co-worker Pulls a Tyson
Dallas, Texas - No good deed goes
unpunished for Anthony Tran.
A fellow co-worker, Ray Leon
Jefferson asked Tran if he had change for a $100 bill. Tran consented and
removed a $20 and $50 bill from his wallet and Jefferson took the money.
Tran then asked for the return of his money which Jefferson refused and then had
a pen held to his stomach.
Soon after a fight broke out and
Tran's ear was bitten off, according to the police.
Doctors were unable to reattach the
ear, but Jefferson was arrested and is held on $25,000 bail facing an
aggravated robbery charge.
***
I Guess He's a Fry Guy
DuBois, Pa. - A Burger King customer
didn't get to have it his way.
Gregg Luttman, 22, made an obscene
gesture at the drive-thru clerk and then entered the fast-food restaurant and
began cursing the staff. Police said that Luttman's inappropriate
behavior was due to the fact that the Burger King was out of french fries.
After his vulgar ranting, Luttman
got back in his truck, put it in reverse and nearly hit one of the
employees. Workers took down the license plate number and notified
police. Luttman was stopped by police a short distance from the
restaurant. He began to fight with police and kicked out the back window
of the squad car.
Now he faces charges ranging from
assault, reckless endangerment and a few other offenses. Somebody sure
needs a Happy Meal.
***
A Snowball's Chance
Brownsville, Texas - Oscar Garza put
an unusual item up for auction on eBay, a snowball.
The Texas A&M student went home
to Brownsville to visit his parents for Christmas. An inch-and-a-half
overnight snowfall was the first recorded snowfall in Brownsville in 109
years. Garza listed the two-to-three pound snowball on eBay for a
starting bid of $1 and a shipping charge of $20.
The funny thing is that he's not the
only Texan accepting bids for the rare snow. Several people have put
their snow on the auction block including one person who's bowl of snow has a
starting bid of $250,000.
I hear someone wants to trade an old
sandwich for it.
***
Bar Brawler Becomes a Finger
Sandwich
Harare, Zimbabwe - Alex Nyarubakora
appeared in court charged with assault with intent to cause grievous bodily
harm.
According to Prosecutor Isau Janhi,
Nyarubakora was arguing with his wife in a bar and became rather angry when a
man tried to intervene. The two men began to fight and now Nyarubakora is
accused of biting the man's finger off, chewing and swallowing the digit.
The finger was not recovered at the
scene of the incident.
I guess it's up to Nyarubakora to
produce the evidence.
______________________
Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor
man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor
man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger
responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." "Well,
in that case..."
Next Kissinger approaches Lord
Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my
daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a
vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Kissinger goes to see the
president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a
vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I
need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
_______________________
DDL
There was a young fellow named Willy
Who acted remarkably silly:
At the big UN ball
Dressed in nothing at all
He claimed that his costume was Chile.
________________________
"Welcome to beautiful sunny
California. Man, it's been cold in L.A. I was on the freeway today and I got
cut off by a herd of caribou."
--Jay Leno
***
"Although I can accept talking
scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to
believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch."
--Dave James
***
"Correspondence schools are
full of it. I saw an ad where they claimed they could teach you veterinarian
medicine thought the mail. Hate to be a dog in that house. "Mail's
here!" "Yip, yip, yip!" Talk about being a regular in the pet
store, "Hey, didn't I already sell you a puppy?"
--Drew Carey
***
"Excuse for Republicans driving
sports cars that cost more than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper
than marrying a woman half my age."
--P.J. O'Rourke
***
"I used to be With IT. But then
they changed what IT was. Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary
and wierd. It'll happen to YOU."
--Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
***
"In the past, your dumbness has
gotten in the way of a few things that I really wanted to do: The book club.
Theater. Having conversations."
--Patricia Heaton
_______________________
Rotten News... (true)
Company lets U.S. travelers 'Go
Canadian'
Tuesday, December 7, 2004 Posted:
1109 GMT (1909 HKT)
ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico (AP) -- An
American T-shirt company has a solution for their fellow citizens who want to
vacation in Europe without having to answer questions about U.S. politics --
pose as Canadians.
For $24.95, T-shirtKing.com offers the
"Go Canadian" package, full of just the kind of things an American
traveler needs to leave their country and its politics behind.
There's a Canadian flag T-shirt, a
Canadian flag lapel pin and a Canadian patch for luggage or a backpack. There's
also a quick reference guide -- "How to Speak Canadian, Eh?" -- on
answering questions about Canada.
It's the brainchild of employees at
the Mountainair, New Mexico-based company known for novelty T-shirts it sells
worldwide on the Internet.
"It's not meant as a slight
against the United States or Canada," explained T-shirtKing.com President
Bill Broadbent. "It was meant as something Republicans could give their
Democrat friends to say 'C'est la vie.' ... But maybe not c'est la vie because
that's a French word."
The "Go Canadian" idea
sprouted after one of Broadbent's colleagues heard of someone being harassed
about U.S. politics during a recent overseas trip.
Some people might not mind, but
others "just want to be on vacation," Broadbent said. "So we
were joking that they could just go as Canadians, and that just kind of
evolved."
The package went up on
T-shirtKing.com's Web site November 12 and the company had sold a couple
hundred in the first two weeks or so. Many of the out-of-state buyers were in
Michigan, Illinois, and the Seattle area, Broadbent said.
Sylvia Dawson's boyfriend has been
joking that she needed to find him a Canadian flag for an upcoming trip to
Spain. That's after his daughter, who is studying there, warned that he might
be questioned about politics when he comes to visit.
So she bought a package.
"I said, 'What are you going to
do if someone asks you about the prime minister of Canada?' And he said, 'I'll
study up,"' Dawson said.
Such questions are the reason for
the package's quick reference guide, which offers tips in case an American in
disguise gets quizzed on Canada.
When it comes to sports, the guide
suggests: "This is easy to remember. There is only one real sport in Canada
and it is called hockey. Regardless of any trivia question, the answer is
'Wayne Gretzky."'
If a Canadian says he had to
"deke out of a meeting," it means he avoided the meeting. If someone
is headed to "Hogtown," that's Canadian for Toronto. A trip to
"Cowtown" means the person is going to Calgary.
And in all cases, the guide advises:
"If your vacation is to be stress free, leave those heavy politics behind
and travel with a light heart and quick wit, Canadian style."
*********
Neighbors Compare Co-Op to 'Animal
House'
Mon Dec 6, 9:32 PM ET
BERKELEY, Calif. - A student housing
co-op faces a lawsuit from neighbors who claim that it is a public nuisance.
Twenty-one neighbors of Le Chateau, a housing cooperative for students at the
University of California at Berkeley, are seeking $5,000 each, or $105,000
total, in small claims court. A hearing is scheduled for Monday.
The neighbors say they have endured
years or raucous pool parties, nighttime bong drumming and garbage that
attracts rats.
Disturbances described range from
the beheading of a chicken with garden shears to Chateau residents flinging
chunks of a cooked pig at passing cars. Neighbors also say they heard one man
on a rooftop deck yelling, "Where's the heroin?"
Assistant City Manager Jim Hynes
said the co-op has received several notices of violation from the city, and
pressure from the city has forced the it to recently reduce the number of its
residents from 85 to 60.
But George Proper, the University
Students Cooperative Association's general manager, told the San Francisco
Chronicle that activity at Le Chateau "is pretty much identical to what
happens in every fraternity and sorority on campus."
**********
Teacher Faces Fine for Using
Doorstop
Mon Dec 6, 5:04 PM ET
CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A teacher faces
a fine of up to $1,000 and 90 days in jail because she propped open her
classroom door with a rubber doorstop.
Assistant Fire Marshal Charles
Vanatter issued the state fire code violation citation and confiscated the
doorstop during a visit to Mountain View Elementary and Middle School in Union
on Nov. 9. A court date has not been set.
State Fire Marshal Sterling Lewis
Jr. said the corridor wall that contains the door is a smoke partition and the
door must be able to close if there is a fire to hinder the spread of smoke. He
said not all doors in the building fall under that designation, so some can be
propped open legally and some can't.
Sixth-grade teacher Susanna Robinson
said her door was not labeled a smoke partition. She said the windows in her
classroom do not open, teachers have been told not to adjust the thermostat and
the room is too hot when it is filled with students.
Asked if he thought taking Robinson
to court over the doorstop was extreme, Lewis said: "You can look at it
two different ways. From the general public's standpoint, yeah, I can see that.
But from our standpoint, we're responsible for the safety of all the schoolkids
in the state."
Fire marshals routinely make
unannounced visits to public schools to check for violations.
