Subject: Daily Dose - 050222 - Baby, BIZARRE NEWS, Murphy's Laws of
Sex (Part 1), DDL, Rotten News
Baby
John went to his friend's house
unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he
could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor
in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the
floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a
gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are
you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
_________________________
BIZARRE NEWS.....
No Presents Left This Guy Feeling
Burned
FEASTERVILLE, Pa. -- Here's a guy
who knows how to spread Christmas cheer. Steven Murray was so outraged that he
didn't receive any presents from his family for Christmas that he burned down
his parent's house the next morning.
Police said Murray had committed
himself to a hospital on Christmas Day, only to later sign himself out and walk
the eight miles home. He told the cops that he saw flames from a distance, but
officers said his jacket smelled like smoke and they found a lighter in his
pocket and a gas can by the front door.
One officer says Murray "was
irritated that his family gave him no presents for Christmas."
He has been charged with arson and
risking a catastrophe, and was jailed on $1 million bail.
Nobody was hurt.
***
You Can't Escape Your Past
Talk about an unqualified candidate.
Apparently, after Charles Crawford
was defeated by Sheriff Roger Vanderpool in the Nov. 2 election for Pinal
County sheriff his past caught up with him. It was alleged that he had taken
hubcaps off of another Cadillac that he had pulled up next to Sept. 7.
The 61-year-old denied the
allegations and said that the hubcaps would not fit on his Cadillac.
Crawford will not be prosecuted for
the alleged crime.
I'm sure that he neglected to add
this incident to his candidate entry form.
***
How to Make an Entrance
SPRINGDALE, Ark. - An Arkansas auto
parts store clerk was surprised when the truck belonging to the customer he was
helping crashed through a window -- with a dog at the wheel.
Michael Henson had left his truck
idling in the parking lot of O'Reilly Auto Parts in Springdale Sunday so he
could show a store worker how his throttle was sticking. Moments later Henson
and clerk Josh Hopper were shocked as they saw Henson's dog drive his truck
straight through a plate-glass window.
"The customer had a problem
with his throttle sticking. He'd left the truck running -- I guess to show the
people at O'Reilly's -- and the dog jumped over and knocked the truck into
gear," said Sgt. Billy Turnbough of the Springdale Police Department.
No one was injured in the incident.
***
Alcohol Hasn't Killed All of His
Brain Cells Yet
Buckingham, Pa. - "Necessity is
the mother of invention," I don't know who said it, but I know who proved
it.
An ignition interlock device was
installed in a Pennsylvania man's car after several convictions of drunken
driving. A driver is supposed to exhale into the device and if alcohol is
detected the car will not start.
According to the police the man
fooled the contraption by using an air compressor.
His idea might have worked, but
police caught him in a parking lot near his home. One police officer said the
DUI devices can be tricked, it's "just a question of how far people are
willing to go."
Well apparently....
__________________________
Murphy's Laws of Sex (Part 1)
The more beautiful the woman is who
loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had
it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of
time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more
sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got
and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same
office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how
many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in
the street.
If you get them by the balls, their
hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to
understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than
yourself.
The qualities that most attract a
woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done
right.
It is always the wrong time of
month.
The best way to hold a man is in
your arms.
When the lights are out, all women
are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents
never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday
night. Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
____________________________
DDL
A horny young blonde from Vancouver
Molested herself with a Hoover
Her gloomy deduction:
Despite all the suction
It wasn't sufficient to move 'er
____________________________
The bride was anything but a tidy
housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband
called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust
on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
***
During his freshman year, my son
Steve couldn't get home for Christmas. So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff
links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you
could afford."
***
"One day one of my little
nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went
around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.
Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget
what he asked me."
--Jack Handy
***
Q: What's the difference between
Yasser Arafat and Princess Diana?
A: Nothing....they were both screwing Arabs and died in Paris."
***
"I believe you should place a
woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress."
--Steve Martin
____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Port St. Lucie woman strangles
neighbor's Rottweiler, police say
By Will Greenlee
Port St. Lucie News
Posted December 10 2004, 9:57 AM EST
PORT ST. LUCIE -- Police are
investigating a woman who strangled a neighbor's Rottweiler after it attacked
her Yorkshire terrier.
Shortly after 5 p.m. Wednesday, the
130-pound Rottweiler, named Rox, bolted past owner Rebecca Hartley and grabbed
Candy, a Yorkie owned by Robin Bush, in her mouth in the 2900 block of
Southwest Ventura Street.
Bush said she was in the kitchen
talking on the phone while her son, Jacob, 10, took Candy, who weighs about
eight pounds, and her Chihuahua outside.
"I heard my son screaming and
heard a cry from my Yorkie," she said. "It was a God-awful
screech."
According to Hartley's statement to
police, Bush threw a beer bottle at Rox and chased and kicked the dog. Bush's
son then took the Yorkie inside.
"Bush then allegedly grabbed
the Rottweiler's collar and began choking the animal, screaming she 'would have
it killed,' " the report states. "Bush continued to choke the animal,
then began slamming the dog's head against the side of her house."
Hartley, 20, said she was trying to
calm 1-year-old Rox, but Bush twisted the dog's collar with one hand and had
her other on Rox's snout, repeatedly striking the dog.
"I told her, 'You're killing my
dog, you're killing my dog, someone please dial 911,'" Hartley said.
"I could not get her to let go of the dog, and within two minutes or less
Rox had suffocated."
Bush, who said she weighs about the
same as Rox, said her actions were justified.
"The dog was as big as me, it
seemed," Bush said. "I was afraid to let go of this dog because I
thought it was going to hurt me. .. Nobody was helping me. "I was trying
to defend my animal, my child and myself," she said. "I didn't
intentionally kill this dog."
Prosecutors are reviewing an animal
cruelty warrant application to determine whether to issue a warrant for Bush's
arrest, said Officer Robert Vega, police spokesman.
********
Soldier's Bomber Costume Causes
Alarm
Fri Dec 10, 8:06 AM ET
LONDON - A drunken soldier sparked a security alert when he left a costume
party dressed as a suicide bomber, wearing a turban, false beard and a combat
jacket stuffed with pretend explosives, British police said Friday.
A member of the public called police
after seeing the sergeant in his costume walking along a road near the
Aldershot army base in southern England on Wednesday.
Fifteen police squad cars, armed
officers, dog handlers and members of the Royal Military Police were called to
the alert.
The soldier, a member of the
Coldstream Guards who had been attending a costume party celebrating his
regiment's role in the 1815 battle of Waterloo, was arrested and spent the
night in custody.
He was charged with a public order
offense and fined around $150, police said.
*********
Israeli groom ambushed for child
payments
Fri Dec 10, 6:22 AM ET
JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An Israeli man
who refused to provide child support to his ex-wife for nearly eight years
finally had to start paying up when he remarried and police raided the
reception to seize wedding gifts.
The 40-year-old man had managed to
avoid payments since 1997 by frequently changing address to escape the clutches
of the law, Israel's Maariv daily reported on Friday.
With 198,000 shekels owed to her,
his ex-wife finally tracked him down when a relative passed on a copy of a
wedding invitation for his second marriage this week.
Police and bailiffs allowed the
newlyweds to celebrate before confronting the groom and confiscating the
wedding hall's safe in which guests had deposited cash and cheques, a tradition
for Israeli nuptials.
Police decided not to arrest the
stunned groom, but that was of little consolation to his distraught bride, who
fainted as her wedding turned into a nightmare.
Presidential Portrait