Subject: Daily Dose - 050220 - pass a football, True Stella Awards, reservations, DDL, Rotten News

A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

___________________________

True Stella Awards....  (frivilous American lawsuits)

COORS SLIGHT
by Randy Cassingham

Ryan Pisco, 19, was at a party near the state university in Reno, Nev., drinking his favorite beer: Coors. By 2:45 a.m. he was drunk, and left the party. Despite not having a driver's license, he drove away in his girlfriend's car; her mother had given it to her.

He didn't get very far: Pisco hit a traffic light pole at 90 mph and was killed.

Like many producers of alcoholic beverages, Coors not only discourages driving after drinking, it discourages alcohol use by under-aged consumers. The legal drinking age in Nevada is 21.

That's not good enough for Ryan's mother, Jodie Pisco. Two years after the crash, she sued Colorado-based Coors Brewing Co. and its Reno distributor in Washoe District Court.

"Coors sponsors and supports events that are attractive to minors and youthful persons, glorifying a culture of youth, sex and glamour while hiding the dangers of alcohol abuse and addiction," the lawsuit charges. "Coors targets the youth of America with false images of conquest, achievement and success that are reckless, willful and a deliberate disregard for the impact of illegal alcohol consumption by underage youths." The suit seeks unspecified damages, says attorney Ken McKenna, who filed the suit for Jodie Pisco.

"They should be well aware that people under 21 are drinking Coors," McKenna told reporters. "They should be liable for the damage caused by underage drinking."

Yeah, it's silly that a grieving mother sues the Big Bad Corporation with deep pockets, but the suit didn't stop there.

Pisco is also suing her son's girlfriend, Heather Taylor, for allegedly allowing the adult lad to drive off in her car. The suit also names the girl's mother, Janice Taylor, since she gave the car to Heather.

It doesn't stop there, either.

Pisco is also suing Joseph Combs, the owner of the house where the party was held, even though it doesn't allege he was at the party, or even knew about it. Also named in the suit was Jessica Rodriguez, who rented the house from Combs.

Coors didn't take the suit lying down: Nevada law prohibits lawsuits against alcoholic beverage manufacturers in such cases. When Coors threatened McKenna with sanctions for a filing frivolous suit, he dropped Coors as defendants.

Of course, McKenna used the move for publicity purposes, telling a reporter that "After doing some research, we decided that the [Nevada] Supreme Court is unlikely to be inclined politically to overturn the protection for alcohol distributors." McKenna went on to add that he's not the one wanting all the publicity, but rather it was his client, Jodie Pisco, who wanted the suit splashed across the news to help show the dangers of underage drinking, as if her son hadn't already done a great job of that.

Easy! Companies who can afford lawyers to defend against obviously frivolous suits can get out of them. Now, only the grieving girlfriend, her innocent mother, the innocent homeowner and the girl renting the house are on the hook to defend against the mother's wrath. Isn't that great?

But McKenna isn't so sure he wants to go forward against that group, now that Coors' deep pockets are out of the picture. Besides, he says, "The law does give some immunity even to people who serve alcohol." Oh yeah, the law. Darn that that gets in the way.

Coors' lawyers told McKenna that "It is simply wrong to exploit the Pisco family's grief by bringing baseless lawsuits against parties who are neither legally nor morally responsible for Ryan's death." I couldn't have said it better myself.

___________________________

Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a cafe to make reservations for 7 P.M. Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"

"That's fine," Lisa said.

"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

_____________________________

DDL

There was an old hermit of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
He explained, "I don't mind,
For she's gentle and kind,
But I wish she had slightly less hair."

______________________________

"There are more important things in life than money - but they won't go out with you if you're broke."
--Unknown

***  

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis."
--Margaret Bonnano

***  

"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."
--Charles M. Schulz

***

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
--Aristotle 384 - 322 B.C.

***

To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any.
--Henry Miller 1891 - 1980

____________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Man is evicted from shack in drawbridge

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

CHICAGO (AP) - For three or four years, a homeless man achieved the impossible: He found a cheap place to live on pricey Lake Shore Drive.

Actually, Richard Dorsay lived under Lake Shore Drive, in a wooden shack built into the beams and girders of the drawbridge that crosses the Chicago River.

On Sunday, Dorsay was evicted after another man arrested in suburban Streamwood told police about the home under the bridge. When authorities went inside, they found an elaborate setup that tapped into the bridge's electricity to power a television, microwave, space heater and PlayStation video game system. There, Dorsay could relax, turn on a Chicago Bears game, invite friends over and pop open some beers.

The home had its quirks. Whenever Dorsay heard the bells that signal the arms of the bridge would soon rise to let boats through, he held on as the bridge slowly pitched him forward.

"The first time it was scary," he said. "After that, it was almost like riding a Ferris wheel."

Two other people also moved to the same area of the bridge, and a number of wooden huts with sleeping quarters were built. Dorsay used blankets to camouflage the huts to make them harder to spot from the water below.

The discovery could lead the city to change its weekly security sweeps of the bridge and block holes in the structure, said Powers, the transportation department deputy commissioner.

Mayor Richard Daley said Dorsay illustrates the homelessness problem in the city. "They're there for a reason, for shelter," the mayor said. "And that's the concern we share."

*******

Become a Lord for 29.99

Mon Dec 13,10:16 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - The British aristocracy has long been an exclusive club but now anyone can become a Lord or Lady -- for as little as 30 pounds ($58).

A raft of British Web sites are offering one square foot of the Glencairn Estate in northeast Scotland and, with it, access to the prestigious-sounding title of Lord/Laird and Lady of Glencairn.

Buyagift.co.uk is offering the "fun" title as the "ideal gift for anyone who aspires to greatness" for 29.99 pounds, which includes a deed of ownership, a map of the Glencairn estate and a card which proves their title.

One incensed aristocrat is fighting back at what he sees is a scam and is warning potential shoppers that buying the title of Lord, Viscountess, Baron or Earl is meaningless.

The Earl of Bradford, whose own title dates from the 1800s, set up www.faketitles.com, after someone fraudulently passed himself off as Lord Newport, which is his son's title.

"I will put it very simply: You cannot purchase a genuine British title," he warns on the site.

*******

Tue, Dec 14, 2004

Python Is Accidentally Shipped to N.J.

CLIFTON, N.J. - The story of Paco the Python is a serpentine tale of a pet snake accidentally shipped from Missouri to New Jersey in a box with a DVD player being sent for repairs.

Paco is currently basking in an 85-degree cage at an NJ Pets store in Clifton; he'll be shipped back home to Missouri in temperature-controlled comfort.

Sheila Himmerick, who had bought Paco as a gift for her teenage son, Rusty, was thrilled to find out he was alive. She said pythons don't like the cold.

Himmerick and 17-year-old son were at home in Jefferson City, Missouri, and couldn't get their get their new DVD player to work. They called the maker, Samsung, and shipped the player to the company's return center in Secaucus, New Jersey late last month.

Paco, a three-foot, four-pound ball python with brown and yellow markings, apparently slithered into the box, and hid beneath the foam peanuts the DVD player was packed in.

Himmerick got a call from Samsung's New Jersey repair shop, CVE Incorporated. She said someone there asked whether that was her snake in the DVD box, and was that her way of expressing her customer dissatisfaction.

Secaucus Town Animal Warden Kevin Kessler, who was called to handle the python, said Paco was a bit listless but unharmed, and that no charges were filed. Kessler said "things like this do happen."