Subject: Daily Dose - 050219 - 3 Keys, BIZARRE NEWS, rabbit's name, DDL, Rotten News

3 Keys

Bill Gates passes his mortal life and to nobody's surprise including his own, he ends up in hell.

Satan greets him:  "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity.  You've been selfish, greedy, and a big liar for all of your life.  Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here.  But enough of that. You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of souls are tormented and tortured.  He then takes him to a huge colluseum where souls are chased by ferocious lions and then eaten over and over again. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful blonde and a bottle of the finest wine.  To Bill's delight, there is a PC in the corner.  Without hesitation, he says, "This is definitely where I want to spend eternity!"

So Satan lets him in the room, locks the door, and swallows the key.

He turns to leave and bumps into one of his best friends, which happens to be a demon.

The demon says, "THAT WAS BILL GATES!  WHY DID YOU LET HIM HAVE THE BEST ROOM OF ALL????"

"Thats just what everyone thinks!"  Satan snickers.  "The bottle has a hole in the bottom of it and the blonde doesn't!"

"But what about the PC?"

"It has Windows 2000 and I took off 3 keys!"

"Well what 3 keys?"

"CTRL, ALT, and DELETE!"

_____________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Christmas Traditions

In Italy they have no Christmas trees. Instead they decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit.

Ukranians decorate their trees with an artificial spider and matching web. A spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck.

The citizens of Caracas, Venezuela block off the streets on Christmas eve so that people can roller-skate to God's house.

It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.

In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding.

***  

What a Copy Cat

DALLAS - Some people love their pets so much that one is just not enough. That's why one woman from North Texas spent half a million dollars to have her kitty cloned.

Julie stored Nicky the cat's tissue in the California based Genetic Savings & Clone until the firm offered clients the chance to reproduce their pets. This month, she became the first owner of a commercially cloned feline.

Dubbed Little Nicky, the cloned cat was presented to Julie earlier this month, and the proud owner couldn't be happier. "I see absolutely no differences between Little Nicky and Nicky," Julie told the company.

***

Cow-Tipping Takes on New Meaning

NORWAY, Iowa -- If you want to raise a better bovine, just add beer. Eastern Iowa farmers have been doing just that by spiking their cattle feed with the beverage. Now it seems the cows have gotten so accustomed to the beer that they refuse to eat their food without it.

This all began about a year ago when a Cedar Rapids beer distributor, Fleck Sales, contacted Fisher's Feed and Fertilizer in the town of Norway. Fleck Sales owner Jack Fisher offered the farmers outdated beer for free to use as cattle feed.

According to researchers, the outdated beer has vitamins, minerals and proteins that are good for the cows.

I wonder if they're good for humans, too?

***

If You Don't Tip You'll Get His Two Cents

SAN ANTONIO, Texas - The life of a pizza deliveryman is tough enough, but when your customers don't tip that crosses a line.

Steven Gordon, a substitute teacher, went through this situation and it cost him his part-time job.  After delivering to some stingy customers Gordon took it upon himself to let them have a piece of his mind.

He sent anonymous letters to approximately half a dozen customers that dismissed his gratuity.  After one customer's complaint Gordon was fired.

He later apologized publicly in a newspaper and now has a new side job... sandwich delivery.

I hope this guy doesn't teach business management.

***

Well, They Do Have the Masked Look...

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa - Tina Tavernie was given quite a fright when she thought she had intruders in her home. She did, technically, but these trespassers turned out to be two 15-pound raccoons.

Tavernie heard strange noises in the upstairs of her home and thought that she was being burglarized. She then called her mother for help who arrived with hammer in hand for the unwelcome guests.

They soon discovered the identity of the duo when one of the raccoons happened to fall through the ceiling.  His partner followed about half an hour later.

_____________________

"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old son.

"Bob," he said.

"And what's your cat's name?"

"Bob."  

"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.

"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.

"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.

The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper."

________________________

DDL

There was a young man and his wife,
Who argued throughout their whole life;
But the problem solver,
was not a revolver;
Hence the story of Lorena and her knife.

Poor John awoke early one day;
And found much to his dismay;
His wife had parted,
And he was broken-hearted,
for his penis had also gone away.

Eventually the judge got a jury;
When Lorena was found near Missouri;
Police found John's member,
in a field with some timber,
and doctors said, "John, we can cure thee!"

At the hospital we find poor John;
Says a doc who we'll call Dr. Vaughn;
"The way that we figure,
your penis will be bigger,
But you must keep the band aids on!

_______________________

"Volvo says its new car, the YCC, is the first car designed and developed exclusively by women, for women.  They say it is safe, it is fuel-efficient, and the exterior is designed to always make the trunk look as small as possible."
--Jay Leno

***  

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."
--P. J. O'Rourke

***  

"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."
--Chris Rock

________________________

Rotten News....

Thai Gov't: Giving Smokes to Monks Is Sin

Sun Dec 19, 6:20 PM ET

BANGKOK, Thailand - Cigarette packs in Thailand may soon carry more than the usual health warnings, with an edict admonishing the public not to give Buddhist monks a smoke.

The new label, proposed by the head of Thailand's National Buddhism Office, will read: "Donating cigarettes to monks is a sin."

In Thailand, like most Buddhist countries, the public donates food and money to monks, but smoking among the Buddhist clergy is generally frowned upon.

********

Record-Beating Truffle Goes Home for Burial

Sat Dec 18, 1:31 PM ET

ROME (Reuters) - The world's most expensive truffle returned to Italy to be buried on Saturday.

The warty white fungus, once an aphrodisiac for the ancient Romans and now one of the most costly foods in the world, was bought by a London restaurant at auction last month.

Despite having paid a $52,000 for the precious tuber, the restaurant left the fungus in a safe for too long and it rotted.

When experts in Florence heard, they asked to have the 852 gram (1.9 lb) truffle returned for burial in the hope that it would sprout a even bigger one next year, local agency ANSA reported.

And the fungus fanciers had found a suitably historic resting place.

After a requiem poem and solemn ceremony, the truffle was due to buried under a tree believed to have been planted by Italy's famous 15th century explorer Amerigo Vespucci.

In exchange for its loss, the swanky London restaurant Zafferano would receive a selection of smaller white truffles of the equivalent weight, ANSA said.

********

Poll shows U.S. views on Muslim-Americans

Nearly half of those surveyed say some rights should be restricted

Andrew Locke / MSNBC.com file

Updated: 9:57 p.m. ET Dec. 17, 2004ITHACA, N.Y. - Nearly half of all Americans believe the U.S. government should restrict the civil liberties of Muslim-Americans, according to a nationwide poll.

The survey conducted by Cornell University also found that Republicans and people who described themselves as highly religious were more apt to support curtailing Muslims’ civil liberties than Democrats or people who are less religious.

Researchers also found that respondents who paid more attention to television news were more likely to fear terrorist attacks and support limiting the rights of Muslim-Americans.

“It’s sad news. It’s disturbing news. But it’s not unpredictable,” said Mahdi Bray, executive director of the Muslim American Society. “The nation is at war, even if it’s not a traditional war. We just have to remain vigilant and continue to interface.”

The survey found 44 percent favored at least some restrictions on the civil liberties of Muslim Americans. Forty-eight percent said liberties should not be restricted in any way.

The survey showed that 27 percent of respondents supported requiring all Muslim-Americans to register where they lived with the federal government. Twenty-two percent favored racial profiling to identify potential terrorist threats. And 29 percent thought undercover agents should infiltrate Muslim civic and volunteer organizations to keep tabs on their activities and fund-raising.

According to the survey, 37 percent believe a terrorist attack in the United States is still likely within the next 12 months. In a similar poll conducted by Cornell in November 2002, that number stood at 90 percent.