Subject: Daily Dose - 050216 - hangover, THIS is TRUE, apple turning brown, DDL, Rotten News

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted, "LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

______________________

THIS is TRUE.....

NO PRINCIPLES: Chloe Smith, 14, has been expelled from Mustang (Okla.) Middle School after a search of her locker turned up drugs. The school's "zero tolerance" drug policy mandated the expulsion, even though she had a valid prescription for the medication to treat a chronic ovarian disease. "Mustang schools has a very intolerant view toward drug use," explains Superintendent Karl Springer. School policy mandates that any prescription medications be held by school officials. (The Oklahoman)
...Clearly a great policy -- what could possibly go wrong?

***

DESPERATE PRINCIPALS: Some students at West Middle School in Ypsilanti, Mich., may have been denied prescription medications because Assistant Principal Marcus Burlingame, 33, was allegedly stealing their drugs. Burlingame seems to have had a preference for amphetamines prescribed for kids with attention deficit disorder. He apologized and said he would seek drug rehabilitation treatment. He was put on administrative leave, with pay, but so far no criminal charges have been filed. School policy requires student medicines be kept in the school's office. (Ann Arbor News)
...Parents should have known something was up when the drug locker was labeled "Administrators' Candy Store".

***

FREE UPGRADE: A shoplifter at a Sam's Club store in Honolulu, Hawaii, turned into a robber after he was confronted by store security, pulled a knife on them, and then ran, police say. He then turned into a carjacker when he jumped into a passing pickup truck to make his getaway, they allege. Bad choice: the driver of the pickup was off duty, but was wearing a shirt with "Federal Police" on it in bright letters. The officer simply drove toward police headquarters, but didn't quite make it as the vehicle was surrounded by pursuing officers. The fed jumped out, taking the keys with him, and the robber was so scared when the cops pulled him out that he fainted. The unidentified man was also charged with kidnaping. (Honolulu Star Bulletin)
..."Not knowing the meaning of the word 'quit'" isn't always a good attribute.

***

WHY THEY CALL IT "DOPE" -- PART 275: Robert Amato, 42, and Valerie Lawler, 20, stopped by the police station in Milford, Conn., to bail a friend out of jail. As they were getting out of their car a passing police officer couldn't help but notice when Lawler dropped a crack pipe on the ground. The cop searched the vehicle found a bag of cocaine, and arrested the pair for drug possession. Even without the hitch in their plans they wouldn't have gotten their friend out of jail: they had stopped at the wrong police station. (New Haven Register)
...The worst part: that guy's the only one who would have been willing to bail them out of jail.

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A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize. That changes the molecular structure and turns it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?

__________________________

DDL

Said a woman from Richmond, Virginia,
"I'd be rich if I only were skinnia.
If I lost thirty pounds,
The boys would have grounds,
To say, 'How I'd pay to be inia.'"

___________________________

My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit... When she tries it on, he says, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you."

***

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

***

Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden. Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests?

***

"It was reported that a woman is suing the chairman of Weight Watchers for sexual harassment. As a result, the chairman of Weight Watchers could lose up to $1 million in just 30 days."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
_-Mark Twain

___________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Zamboni explodes; fire destroys arena

Larry Oakes,  Star Tribune

December 20, 2004

DULUTH -- A Duluth hockey arena was destroyed and at least two people suffered minor injuries Sunday night after a Zamboni ice-resurfacing machine exploded during a broomball game, starting a major fire and sending players and spectators fleeing.

"It looked like the Zamboni doors flew off onto the ice," a player told KDLH-TV in Duluth, referring to the doors of the enclosure in which the Zamboni sat while waiting to go on to the ice. The explosion happened about 9:40 p.m. at Peterson Arena, 3501 Grand Av. in west Duluth.

The witness said the explosion started ceiling insulation on fire, and the building was quickly engulfed.

Player Ryan Ringsred, who was bandaged, picked small pieces of Plexiglas from the back of his neck. He was on the ice when the explosion happened.

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December 15, 2004 

Drinking game puts Perth man near death

CATHY O'LEARY and MINH LAM

A 21-year-old Perth man is lucky to be alive after having his stomach ripped open during a beer-skolling game using a home-made device powered by an electric pump.

The drinking game at a 21st birthday party in a southern suburb 10 days ago went badly wrong, rupturing the man's stomach and forcing beer straight into his abdomen.

The man, who is in St John of God Hospital in Murdoch and spent a week in intensive care fighting for his life, was among a group of friends at a private party who used the device.

It is believed to have consisted of a helmet fitted with a jug from which a hose was attached to a pump that was powered by a power drill. Another hose from the pump was placed in his mouth and the pump was switched on, pushing beer from the jug down his throat.

The man, a mechanical drafter who did not want his name published, said yesterday that about six other party-goers had used the "jug helmet" before him.

"No one else had any problems and I didn't think it would be any different to other things like funnels that people use," he said.

The man underwent urgent surgery to repair a 10cm tear and was then on life support for a week.

The man's mother said that for several days it was touch and go.

were told that if his oesophagus had torn as well he probably would have died," she said. "I know 21-year-olds are out to have some fun but I don't think any of them . . . realised what can happen when these sorts of drinking games get out of hand."

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Monday, December 13, 2004. 10:20am (AEDT)

Church outraged at devil's Christmas grotto

By Philip Williams in London

English vicars have banded together to protest against a Christmas grotto in which Santa lies beheaded, his elves have been impaled and visitors are greeted by the devil.

The York Dungeon has done away with Father Christmas and installed the devil in his place.

Operators of the tourist attraction in the northern English city thought they were just having a bit of fun when they created their macabre version of a Christmas grotto.

But it is all to much for local religious leaders.

Thirty have signed a letter outlining their fears, saying far from being harmless fun it was all about darkness and evil which could draw some people in.

The dungeon operators say it is a lighthearted dig at the commercialisation of Christmas.

It is not known if small children will be invited to sit on the devil's lap or pull his beard.