Subject: Daily Dose - 050214 - Stupid Kid, BIZARRE NEWS, Hard English, DDL,
Rotten News
Stupid Kid
A businessman was talking with his
barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the
sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's
Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!"
yelled the barber.
Tommy came bouncing over "Hi
Mr. Williams!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime
and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice.
Tommy looked long and hard at the
dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand.
The barber looked at the businessman
and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman
caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and
said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."
_____________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre (and Stupid) Criminals
Washington D.C. - A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few
days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he
went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Ionia, Michigan - When two service
station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the
man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the
police and was arrested.
Radnor, Pennsylvania - Police
interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting
it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought
the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.
Toronto, Canada - A gas station
attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man
had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who
later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face
through one of the leg-holes so he could see.
Modesto, CA - Steven Richard King
was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed
to keep his hand in his pocket.
Virginia Beach - A bank robber in
Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen
money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the
loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was
seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey,
"with an explosion taking place inside his pants."
Los Angeles, California - Police in
Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control
himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat
the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
***
In the Lap of Luxury
TOKYO - I'm a little disturbed by
this, yet intrigued at the same time. A popular item this holiday season in
Japan appears to be the "lap pillow," a cushion for lonely men that
has skin-colored polyurethane calves folded under plush thighs.
The $90 pillow, which comes with one
red and one black shirt, has been a hit since it went on sale in November.
Specific details on the pillow
include super soft thighs, panty lines on the "backside" and wrinkles
in the lap of the skirt to make it as real as possible.
At stores, lap pillows gather crowds
where people poke and pry at the foam legs.
********
Twins Times Two
ATLANTA - The probability of it
happening was about one in a million, but two twin sisters are seeing quadruple
after delivering two sets of twin boys on the same day!
Twenty-one-year old Ashlee Spinks of
Indianapolis and her sister Andrea Springer of Conyers, Ga., delivered their
boys by Caesarean sections Tuesday about an hour apart from each other. The
sisters were six months pregnant when they found out they were both going to
have twin boys due on the same date - Jan. 1, 2005.
The two couples said twins run in
the families of all four parents.
*********
It's Never Smart to Sleep on the Job
ATHENS, Tenn. - Armed robbery
suspect Robert Bell should reconsider his career options. Bell is accused of
using his partner's arrest as a way to steal a police car after the somewhat
successful robbery of a market.
Afterward, Bell broke into a home
and apparently was worn out from all his hard work. He fell asleep and didn't
wake up until the police arrived.
The cops said that the criminal was
very sleepy and reeked of alcohol.
Well, now he has plenty of time to
sleep off the hangover.
*********
In a Sticky Situation
GEORGETOWN, Guyana - If we've
learned one lesson today, it's that you need some sort of brains to live a life
of crime.
Two men entered a home and decided
to use duct tape to make sure the family didn't go anywhere during the robbery.
A teenage girl spotted them and screamed, and then she and her grandmother
fought with the men until neighbors came to the rescue.
One of the would-be robbers then had
his own weapon used against him and he was duct taped to a utility pole.
Police said that the men will
receive formal charges.
_____________________________
Hard English
No wonder English is so hard to
learn.
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
Needing help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocaine injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
We drive on parkways and park on driveways.
___________________________
DDL
"So you take your wife
everywhere. Why?
She's so ugly she makes children cry!"
"Well, if I should roam
And leave her at home,
I'm obliged then to kiss her goodbye!
_____________________________
What do ya call an Irish queer?
A man who prefers women over
Guinness.
***
What is a blonde's favorite nursery
rhyme?
Humpme Dumpe.
***
"Welcome to New York City! I'm
glad you're here. There's nowhere else that's better to be during the holidays
than in New York City. Nothing says the holiday spirit more than seeing a
sidewalk Santa taking a leak on the street."
--Dave Letterman
***
"They say DVD players are
expected to be the hottest-selling item this year. You know what the
slowest-selling item is? The Scott Peterson Pocket Fisherman."
--Jay Leno
_____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Firefighters Burn Down Own Sauna
Thu Dec 23,10:11 AM ET
HELSINKI (Reuters) - A squad of
fire-fighters accidentally set their own sauna ablaze but could not extinguish
the fire despite their training.
The sauna, at Lappi, 140 miles west
of Helsinki, was destroyed despite the volunteer fire-fighters' efforts,
Finnish news agency STT said.
The fire Wednesday caused no
injuries.
Bathing in a sauna is a national
pastime in Finland, especially in winter, and most households have access to
one.
********
Toy Maker Equips Toy Train with
Condom
Wed Dec 22,10:30 AM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A 145-year-old
German maker of toy trains is giving its adult customers a chance to have a
one-track mind.
The miniature train company Marklin
is packing a condom alongside a blue freight car emblazoned with the name of
Blausiegel, a German condom maker.
Marklin, a Goppingen, Germany-based
company that was the first to introduce toy track with its train sets in 1891,
produces trains that often carry the names of real companies to emulate actual
rail cars. Collectors' editions with less Freudian implications have been sold
along with liquor advertised on the cars.
The toy freight car, which comes
packaged with a "Billy Boy" condom is available in HO scale, or
1/87th of the actual size of a freight train, just under 4 inches long, and Z
scale, which is 1/220th of the size of a real train.
Ralph Israel, partner of Manhattan
Train & Hobby store in New York, said he sold two of the models, both to
men, the first day they were put in the glass cases in his hobby shop. They are
not being marketed to appear under the Christmas tree as gifts for children.
The toy train and the condom, which
retail for $35, are packaged in a sleek brushed-metal container the size of a
cigar box. The packaging offers no instructions on running the miniature train
but does have illustrated instructions on using the condom.
********
Mystery Martian 'Carwash' Helps
Space Buggy
Wed Dec 22,10:40 AM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - An unexplained
phenomenon akin to a space-borne car wash has boosted the performance of one of
the two U.S. rovers probing the surface of Mars, New Scientist magazine said
Tuesday.
It said something -- or someone --
had regularly cleaned layers of dust from the solar panels of the Mars
Opportunity vehicle while it was closed down during the Martian night.
The cleaning had boosted the panels'
power output close to their maximum 900 watt-hours per day after at one stage
dropping to 500 watt-hours because of the heavy Martian dirt.
By contrast, the power output of the
solar panels of Mars Spirit -- on a different part of the Red Planet -- had
dropped to just 400 watt-hours a day, clogged by the heavy dust.
"These exciting and unexplained
cleaning events have kept Opportunity in really great shape," the magazine
quoted NASA rover team leader Jim Erickson as saying.
********
Police Bare Teeth to Boost Public
Image
Mon Jan 31,10:35 AM ET
MANILA (Reuters) - Philippine police
with bad teeth got something to grin about Monday when President Gloria
Macapagal Arroyo (news - web sites)'s husband handed out free dentures to
improve the confidence and public image of the national force.
Mike Arroyo's "A New Smile for
the Toothless" campaign originally focused on market vendors in Manila but
was extended to police officers, who earn as little as
$157 per month.
Omar Taribul, a senior officer with
two decades of service, said he had endured years of humiliation since losing
his teeth in a gunbattle with communist rebels
in 1994.
"I can smile because I now have
a brand new set of teeth," Taribul said at the headquarters of the
Philippine National Police's southern command in Manila, as
dentists examined members of the
force.
About 200 officers have received
free dentures, worth about $50 per set. The scheme is due to help another 200
police, as well as their families, with dental care.
"This will boost their confidence,"
said dentist Marilen Acuna Principe. "When you're missing some teeth and
you have to talk to people, then you tend to become
embarrassed."
