Subject: Daily Dose - 050213 - Reason, BIZARRE NEWS, If Men Ran The World,
DDL, Rotten News
Reason
At a session with a marriage
counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true I do so enjoy
sex!"
Then, turning to the counselor, she
explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"
_________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Most Bizarre Stories of 2004
Here is a selection of some
"offbeat" stories which offered an insight into human nature in 2004,
courtesy of yahoo.com:
ZHENGZHOU, China: A Chinese couple
raised their only child for 13 years in the belief it was a girl, until a visit
to the local hospital alerted them to the fact that he was really a boy with
underdeveloped sexual organs. They did not realize anything was wrong until
they were baffled by a "reaction in the lower half of his body"
whenever he watched pretty women on TV.
RATCHABURI, Thailand: A group of
Thai Buddhist monks were arrested and defrocked after holding a spate of rowdy
drug and alcohol parties. Villagers complained about their wild behavior and
drug-taking at the local temple. Five of the saffron-robed monks tested
positive for amphetamine pills and a sixth was blind drunk.
COSENZA, Italy: A driverless railway
engine thundered nearly 120 miles through southern Italy at 50 miles an hour
before staff managed to derail it. The driver had set the locomotive in motion,
leaned out to see if the line ahead was clear, then slipped and fell from his
cabin. Another railway worker tried to jump aboard and stop it but failed and
the train gathered speed until it was finally switched to a track with a long
incline and it smashed through buffers at a disused station before finally
coming to a halt.
ZAGREB: A South African who fell in
love with a Croatian beauty he has never even spoken to, traveled halfway round
the world in search of the woman of his dreams. Keith van der Spuy saw the
woman only twice, on a boat and in a nightclub, while on vacation in the former
Yugoslav republic but could not get her out of his head and returned to Croatia
weeks later, with two diamonds in his pocket, to track down the haunting blonde
-- but, sadly, to no avail.
ALDERSHOT, England: A drunken
soldier sparked a major security alert after leaving a regimental party dressed
as an Arab suicide bomber. Fifteen police cars, along with dog handlers were
called out after a passer-by spotted someone near an army base wearing an
Arab-style robe, a turban and false beard, as well as orange paper, wires and
candles stuffed into a jacket to make it look like he was carrying explosives.
The soldier, who was drunk, was ordered to pay a small on-the-spot fine.
LONDON: A number of wealthy clients
of the smart London restaurant Zafferano clubbed together to buy one of the
most expensive truffles in the world for 40,000 euros (53,000 dollars), but it
ended up spoiling in a refrigerator. The 850-gram (30-ounce) delicacy from
Tuscany was put on display at the restaurant but then the chef went on vacation
after locking the truffle in the fridge and taking the keys with him. When he
returned after four days, he found it had rotted, forcing the owner to throw the
whole thing out.
CHISINAU, Moldova: The president of
first division football club Roso saw red when the referee awarded a penalty
against his team, so he leaped into his jeep, drove it on to the pitch and
tried to run the hapless official down. Mikhail Makayev chased the astonished
referee around the ground for several minutes until he escaped by clambering up
into the stands. The match was abandoned and Roso's opponents Poitekhnik were
awarded the game 3-0.
GUWAHATI, India: An army officer was
dismissed and another suspended after a court martial found they splashed
tomato ketchup on civilians to make them look like dead Assam separatist rebels
in a bid for a gallantry medal. Colonel H.S. Kohli took photos of civilians
posing as corpses and gave them to his senior officers as proof of the
killings, but records later showed no deaths had been reported.
OSLO: Until the divorce papers
dropped into her mail box, a 22-year-old woman was unaware that she had been
married to a complete stranger for a year. The woman's wallet was snatched some
years ago and her identification cards were used in an Islamic ceremony to
unite her and a Pakistani man in holy matrimony. She hopes to have the marriage
annulled, but investigators have closed the case as they cannot find the man,
believed to be operating under several different aliases.
***
Beds So Clean You Can Eat Off of
Them
MANHATTAN - If I ever decide to have
dinner in bed, it's going to be in the comfort of my own home. For some
Manhattanites, however, the place to be to eat in bed is Duvet - a bed-filled
restaurant that has recently opened.
This restaurant is filled with about
30 king-size beds, tons of satin pillows and some very awkward-looking waiters
bending down to change the sheets between customers. The whole trendy look is
completed with a giant video screen playing video footage of anemones and dead
jellyfish floating in a massive aquarium.
And did I mention the bathrooms,
where you sit on the throne while looking out, thanks to one-way mirrors?
***
Sniper Sets His Sight on Santa
VENTURA, Calif. - No one is safe now
a days, not even Santa. Apparently, there's a sniper on the loose and he's
aiming for jolly old St. Nick.
Ventura County authorities reported
that someone fired five bullets into the face of a 20-foot-high Santa statue.
The officers that responded to the call came across the bullet holes and
recovered the empty shell casings. At this time no arrests have been made.
The statue's owner had this to say,
"You've got to be a pretty strange individual to want to shoot Santa
Claus."
And stay away from the Easter Bunny
too.
***
Oh Rats!
NEW YORK - You've heard the phrase
"raining cats and dogs," but I bet you've never heard of a "rat
shower."
Well, that's just what one Bronx
woman got when her bathroom ceiling collapsed and released a pile of debris,
dirty water and a half-dozen wet rats on her as she showered.
According to the woman's lawyer,
David Lesch, the rats ended up dead in the tub after either drowning or hitting
the ground headfirst. The woman, who was not identified, collected a $65,000
settlement check from the rodent shower.
Now that the check has been cut,
"she's hoping she can afford another place," her lawyer said.
***
Guess They Didn't Learn From Their
Mistake
TUCSON, Arizona - For the second
time since 2002, a Tucson funeral company has received accusations of locating
people in the wrong resting place.
SCI Arizona Funeral Services had to
move a man from a crypt that was intended for Jack Lee Brown. Brown, who died
in August 2003, had been placed in a temporary crypt while awaiting the
finished construction of his final resting place. Brown's family was not
notified that the construction was completed in July or that Brown's spot had
been occupied by someone else.
Nice work.
____________________________
If Men Ran The World
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A
smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would
pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or
lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to
February 29th, so it would only occur on Leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your
shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. St. Patrick's
Day, however, would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every
month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be
chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most
lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday
Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different
Camera Angle".
Instead of "beer-belly",
you'd get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words..."Ally
McNaked".
When a cop gave you a ticket, every
smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I
was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's
$10.00 off".
People would never talk about how
fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out
of style again.
Every man would get four real,
"Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30
seconds of conversation.
It would perfectly legal to steal a
sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of
gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive
engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that
said "You're #1!".
When your girlfriend really needed
to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of
the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch
would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
The funniest guy in the office would
get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got
wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle
would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens
from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Hallmark would make "Sorry,
what was your name again?" cards.
____________________________
DDL
How they marvel at Joe's penile
vigor,
At its size and magnificent rigor.
When he was a lad,
'Twas already not bad,
And with age, it keeps on getting bigger.
____________________________
"I filled out a rental
application that asked, 'Do you own any liquid-filled furniture?' Couldn't they
just have said 'waterbed'? How many other forms of liquid-filled furniture are
there? 'Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?'"
--Lisa Goich
***
"I've been studying up on some
of my Las Vegas facts - did you know, on the average, 151 people get married
every day in Las Vegas. One hundred and fifty-one. You know, shouldn't that be
an even number? Maybe I'm wrong."
--Jay Leno
***
One reader sent in this great bumper
sticker:
Don't argue with your wife...dicker.
***
It's easy to distract fat people.
It's a piece of cake.
--Chris Addison
____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Hong Kong Calls 'Fart Bomb' Toy
Dangerous
Wed Dec 22, 4:35 PM ET
HONG KONG - Hong Kong officials are
pulling "Fart Bomb" toys from the shelves because the gag gift — a
metallic bag that gives off a stench — produces a dangerous chemical reaction,
the government said.
The sulfur-acid mixture produced by
the toy can cause nausea, headaches and eye irritation, the government said in
a statement Tuesday.
Customs officers have seized 263
"Fart Bombs" and are urging parents to hand in their unused toys to a
consumer protection bureau, it said.
The toy includes a silver-colored
bag containing sulfur compound powder and an inner plastic bag of diluted acid,
the government said.
When the inner bag is broken, the
chemicals mix producing hydrogen sulfide and "giving off a disgusting
smell," the statement said.
*********
Thieves Dismantle, Carry Off Bridge
Wed Dec 22, 8:57 PM ET
WELLINGTON, New Zealand - Thieves
have dismantled and carried off most of a 100 foot aluminum bridge over a
wetland on South Island, probably to sell for scrap, Conservation Department
officials said Thursday.
The theft echoed one in August this
year in the southern Bosnian town of Mostar, where seven thieves stole an
entire 13-yard bridge.
The New Zealand felons took aluminum
base-plates, side panels and one entire section of framework from the bridge at
the wetland reserve southwest of the city of Dunedin, said department officer
Bill Wheeler.
"You have to go across the
railway line and then through a rather boggy section of wetlands" to reach
the bridge, he said. "It's been quite a manhandling job for
somebody."
Officials used a helicopter to
install the bridge, which was mainly used by hikers and wheelchairs for access
to the wetlands.
Senior Sergeant Alistair Dickie said
the section removed by thieves was worth about $28,400. Scrap metal dealers
nationwide had been alerted to the theft.
Wheeler told National Radio that
while the department could claim insurance, "I'd much rather have the
bridge back. If it was left in the corner of a paddock somewhere we'd be happy
to go and pick it up."
In the southern Bosnian town of
Mostar, thieves took several days to dismantle the metal bridge built during
the Austro-Hungarian empire 150 years ago. They transported the parts to a
local junk yard and sold them, a police statement said.
*********
Wed, Dec 22, 2004
Iowa Bovines Enjoy Beer-Spiked Feed
NORWAY, Iowa - Cattlemen are hoping
to raise a better bovine with beer. About a dozen eastern Iowa farmers have
been spiking their cattle feed with beer. So far, the herds are lapping it up,
said cattlemen Robert Miller.
They like it so much that they
hesitate to eat when their feed isn't mixed with beer, Miller said.
It began about a year ago when an
official at Fleck Sales, a Cedar Rapids beer distributor, contacted Fisher's
Feed and Fertilizer in Norway, a small town southeast of Cedar Rapids.
The company asked if the feed
business would like to get free beer which had outlived its shelf life, not for
its workers but to mix in with its feed, said Jack Fisher, the feed company's
owner.
Fisher said research shows that beer
has vitamins, minerals, amino acids, carbohydrates and proteins, which all
benefit cattle's diet.
Beer is commonly used in cattle feed
in Japan and Canada. The animals' complex digestive system breaks down the
alcohol in beer, turning it into food energy, animal nutritionists said.
Fisher took Fleck Sales up on its
offer and now the beer is emptied into 5-gallon buckets which are taken to
feedlots where the beer is given away.
Fisher laughed when asked if he and
his friends ever test the free shipments.
"We have to make sure it's safe
for the cattle," he said.
