Subject: Daily Dose - 050209 - Torpedoed, THIS is TRUE, latex products, DDL, Rotten News

Saturday is the Hijra New Year. Happy New Year !!!  Back at you Sunday.

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Torpedoed

During World War II, an American warship was under attack by the Japanese. A torpedo was headed toward the ship and a strike seemed inevitable. The captain told the first officer to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke, so at least the men would die laughing.

Gathering the men around him, the first officer said, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"

When the crew burst out laughing the officer pulled out his penis and whacked it on the table. Just then, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the first officer. As they floated around in a lifeboat the captain remarked, "You sure got the crew laughing. What did you do?"

The first officer told him.

"Well, you'd better be careful with that dick of yours", the captain said. "the torpedo missed!"

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THIS is TRUE...

LESSON PLAN: A teacher at Holme Elementary School in Philadelphia, Penn., reported something missing, so school officials searched the belongings of several students. They didn't find the item, but they found contraband; Porsche Brown, 10, was pulled out of class, handcuffed, and taken to the police station. Her offense? She had scissors in her book bag. School officials insist they were required to call the police since state law requires zero tolerance for "weapons" on campus, but acknowledged the girl had not threatened anyone. Police released the girl without charging her with any crime, but school officials suspended her for 5 days pending a hearing. "My daughter cried and cried," said her mother, Rose Jackson. Later, she said, the girl pointed out, "Mom, we use scissors in school." (Philadelphia Inquirer)
...The suspension, then, had less to do with unauthorized possession of scissors than it did with unauthorized possession of common sense.

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SPIRITED OFFICE SENSE: Britain's Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents has issued an advisory in an attempt to reduce the number of injuries sustained at office Christmas parties. Among the various points of advice: "Dancing on desks could do them and you a lot of damage." Ban candles and smoking. And "Resist the temptation to photocopy parts of your anatomy. If the copier breaks, you'll have Christmas with glass in painful places." (Reuters)
...Yes, but such accidents are at least well documented.

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UNIQUE WINTER ATTIRE: Police in Halton, Ont., Canada, are looking for a flasher. They say the man exposed himself to girls, and was wearing a bra and thong. "It's semi-weird," says police detective Al Nikitin, "but I've seen weirder." Meanwhile, a high school teacher in Medina Township, Ohio, has been charged with drunk driving. Police say Mark Wurstle, 47, was wearing only a black sweatshirt and women's panties when they pulled him over. They had received a tip from a bartender who said he was in his bar wearing the same outfit. Wurstle has two previous drunk driving arrests. His attorney says he plans to continue to show up for work. (Canadian Press, Cleveland Plain Dealer)
...So he's a masochist, too?

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THE WEIGHT OF THE EVIDENCE: A spokesman for France's Alstom Chantiers, the company that supplied the Queen Mary II cruise liner with its furniture, has admitted it is having to replace many of the chairs on the luxury liner because they're breaking under the weight of fat passengers. "There are some problems with the chairs because some of our passengers are heavier than we imagined," the spokesman says. "It's not an English problem," he hastened to add, since the QMII is a British ship. "It's probably more American." Meanwhile, a study by Australia's University of Adelaide has found that the average Australian is heavier than the average American. They found the average Aussie woman wears size 16 and weighs 8 kg (17.6 lbs) more than American women, and the average Aussie man is 3 kg (6.6 lbs) heavier than American men. A doctor for the Australian Medical Association says "we are eating ourselves to death," but University of Adelade Prof. Maciej Henneberg says the "few kilos" of weight is "not a major concern." (London Telegraph, Sydney Telegraph)
...Well, not unless they're planning to go on a cruise anytime soon.

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DUDE! IF YOU HAVE TO STUDY IT, YOU DON'T GET IT: "Linguist Deciphers Uses of Word 'Dude'"
-- AP headline

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A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

The tour guide says, "That's the sound that ensures us that we will keep producing the baby bottle nipples."

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DDL

Betsy Ross with her bustle a-waggin,
Had George seeing stars, lolly-gagging,
When he asked, "How's chances?"
She spurned his advances,
Saying, "Sorry, my interest is flagging."

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"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
--Bill Vaughan

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"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk.  This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."
--P.J. O'Rourke

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Man is the only animal that blushes, and has reasons to
- MARK TWAIN

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"The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."
-Ben Franklin

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Rotten News....  (true)

Quake May Have Made Earth Wobble

Wed Dec 29,10:14 AM ET

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The deadly Asian earthquake may have permanently accelerated the Earth's rotation -- shortening days by a fraction of a second -- and caused the planet to wobble on its axis, U.S. scientists said on Tuesday.

Richard Gross, a geophysicist with NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, theorized that a shift of mass toward the Earth's center during the quake on Sunday caused the planet to spin 3 microseconds, or one millionth of a second, faster and to tilt about an inch (2.5 cm) on its axis.

When one huge tectonic plate beneath the Indian Ocean was forced below the edge of another "it had the effect of making the Earth more compact and spinning faster," Gross said.

Gross said changes predicted by his model probably are too minuscule to be detected by a global positioning satellite network that routinely measures changes in Earth's spin, but said the data may reveal a slight wobble.

The Earth's poles travel a circular path that normally varies by about 33 feet, so an added wobble of an inch (2.5 cm) is unlikely to cause long-term effects, he said.

"That continual motion is just used to changing," Gross said. "The rotation is not actually that precise. The Earth does slow down and change its rate of rotation."

When those tiny variations accumulate, planetary scientists must add a "leap second" to the end of a year, something that has not been done in many years, Gross said.

Scientists have long theorized that changes on the Earth's surface such as tide and groundwater shifts and weather could affect its spin but they have not had precise measurements to prove it, Caltech seismologist Hiroo Kanamori said.

"Even for a very large event, the effect is very small," Kanamori said. "It's very difficult to change the rotation rate substantially."

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Snow White loses 3 dwarves in cost-cutting

Sat Dec 25, 8:33 AM ET 

BERLIN (Reuters) - Snow White had to make do with just four dwarves rather than the usual seven due to cost-cutting at a theatre in the eastern German town of Stendal, the Hannoversche Allgemeine Zeitung newspaper has reported.

The Altmark Stendal theatre said it could afford only six actors for its Christmas rendition of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves", which led to protests from theatre-goers from the nearby western city of Hanover who wanted to see seven dwarves.

The theatre said it had attached two puppets in dwarf outfits to a background wall to give the production six dwarves. The actor playing the prince was supposed to double as the seventh dwarf but only made one brief appearance on stage.

"The seventh dwarf wasn't on stage the whole time because he was in stuck down in the mine working overtime," theatre spokeswoman Susanne Kreuzer told the newspaper.

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Market May Pull Microwaveable Stuffed Toys

Thu Dec 23, 9:23 PM ET

BOULDER, Colo. - Whole Foods Markets is reconsidering whether to continue selling a line of microwaveable stuffed animals that an educator said could lead children to believe there is nothing wrong with putting their pets in household appliances.

Scott Simons, regional manager of the Texas-based organic foods market, said Wednesday that officials will consult with buyers to determine if the Toasty Tots products should be sold in their stores.

"We listen to our customers," Simons said. "They bring up great points, and we are a very sensitive company."

The soft plush animals can be heated in the microwave to become warm dolls.

Mike McBreen, who teaches family education classes in Boulder, said he raised the concerns because he believes the toys could give children the wrong idea. He said he has had clients whose children have put cats and dogs in the washer, dryer and even oven.

"Little kids, preschoolers, and kids even in first grade don't realize that you can't do things like that," he said. "It's beyond their levels of comprehension. Older kids, when they start getting into mischief, don't need any more suggestions."

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WORLD RECORD UNDERWATER IRONING - AUSTRALIA - 1

Submitted by J, L, CR & TJ MORRISON

An Australian diving club has claimed a world record in the extreme sport of underwater ironing.
Some 43 members of Melbourne's Bay City Scuba Diving Club ironed in 10ft of water in Port Phillip Bay.
Club spokesman Alan Igoe said the 25 minute dive, using cold non-electric irons, also raised £250 for charity.
"We always try to do something to get our members diving after the winter break, but this gained momentum and took off as a chase for a world record," he said.
Extremeironing.com confirmed the Australian divers had snatched a six week old record from a sixteen-strong New Zealand group of ironists.
Underwater extreme ironing was invented by German extreme ironist, Iron Lung, when he took his iron and board into the Mediterranean sea off Majorca in 2001.
Extreme ironing founder, Steam, says: "I never realized how competitive the Aussie ironists were - as soon as the Kiwis took the record, they were there."