Subject: Daily Dose - 050207 - confessions, BIZARRE NEWS, formula for water, DDL, Rotten News

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'"

_______________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Miscellaneous Quotes

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm  

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

***  

Just 'Plane' Bizarre!

FABENS, Texas -- A plane that developed engine trouble while flying over Instate 10 east of El Paso landed right on top of an 18-wheeler before crashing onto the highway.

Police said the pilot and his wife were coming home when their plane began having troubles. The engine died before the plane could make it to an airstrip. They made an abrupt landing on top of the trailer and then flipped over and crashed down on the highway.

And the truck driver was oblivious to the whole incident! He said he never heard a thing.

Luckily, the passengers on the place walked away from the accident unscathed, and the only damage to the truck was "a couple of skid marks up top."

***

You'll Pay the Price for this Martini

NEW YORK - You know you're in a high class joint when they want $10,000 for a martini. New York's historic Algonquin Hotel is offering a $10,000 martini that comes complete with a loose diamond at the bottom.

"We haven't had any buyers yet, but a lot of people are talking about it," said Anthony Melchiorri, the hotel's general manager.

Not to worry, this pricey beverage cannot be ordered by mistake. The drink requires 72 hours' notice, and buyers meet with a jeweler to select a gem and with hotel staff to ensure the cocktail is delivered to the right table.

Whew, sounds like a lot of work to me. I think I'll just stick with my $3 Bud Light.

***

Deputy Uses Elevator as Outhouse

Orlando, Fla. - There is no upside to peeing in an elevator.

Orange County Deputy Carl Brown was temporarily reinstated after he was let go for peeing in an elevator inside the Orange County Courthouse. A security camera captured Brown's bodily functions as well as his attempt to move the camera after finishing his business.

Authorities said that Brown claims he suffers from a medical condition. What's that - amnesia?

***

Hit the Nail on the Head

An unidentified man could no longer stand the headaches that had bothered him for four years. After receiving an exam, X-rays revealed the man had a two-inch nail embedded in his skull.

He was ultimately shocked by the news, but then remembered banging his head at work when the headaches started.

According to a South Korean medic, "It's a miracle he survived."

The man is definitely looking forward to the nail being removed and the end of those hammering headaches...no pun intended.

__________________________

There was a college football coach that had a player on his team who was a bit slow. The Dean told him that if the player could learn the formula for water, then he would be allowed to play in the big game.

The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office and asked him to recite the formula for water.

The player grinned real big and said, "H I J K L M N O."

_________________________

DDL

The genital itch of Miss Wing
Caused a riot last week in Big Spring.
Ten men dropped their pants
For a go at her ants,
But they didn't calm down a damned thing.

_________________________

One Greek living in America says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly."

***

"I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks 'Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page and sat down again."
--David Brenner

***

"I worked some gigs in the Deep South--Alabama--You talk about Darwin's waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father."
--Dennis Miller

***

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything."
--George Wallace

________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Stop sending us money says aid group

Tue Jan 4, 9:44 AM ET 

PARIS (Reuters) - The medical aid group Medecins Sans Frontieres (Doctors without Borders) has urged donors to stop sending it money for Asian tsunami victims, saying it had collected enough funds to manage its relief effort there.

In an unusual step, the group's branches in France and Germany said they had 40 million and 20 million euros (28 million and 14 million pounds) respectively, enough to finance emergency medical aid projects they were supporting in Sri Lanka and Indonesia.

Their decision surprised other aid groups and drew criticism that it could undercut an unprecedented wave of private giving to provide relief to the region devastated by the December 26 tsunami which has killed at least 150,000 people.

"It's the first time we are led to take this kind of decision," MSF Director General Pierre Salignon said.

"This might seem to run counter to the mood of general mobilisation, but it's a question of honesty toward our donors. We don't want to continue to lobby the public for projects that are already financed," he said in a statement.

*******

Man Pleads Guilty in Tsunami Death E-Mail Case

Mon Jan 3, 9:15 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - A British man admitted Monday to sending hoax emails to friends and relatives of people missing since the Asian tsunami.

Christopher Pierson pleaded guilty to sending more than 30 emails to worried relatives, saying their loved ones had been confirmed dead, after they posted their details on the Web Site of TV station Sky News.

Pierson, 37, from Ruskington in Lincolnshire, eastern England, was to be detained until January 24, an official at London's Horseferry Road Magistrates Court said. Pierson pleaded guilty to charges of malicious communication and causing a public nuisance after police seized computer equipment at the weekend.

Pierson is accused of posing as a British official from the "Foreign Office Bureau" in Thailand in his emails. All the messages came from one bogus email address, ukgovfoffice@aol.com.

Sky News said it was "disgusted" that its Web site had been abused and contacted police as soon as it found out.

******

Fri, Dec 31, 2004

New Orleans Hotel Offers Hangover Expert

By CAIN BURDEAU, Associated Press Writer

NEW ORLEANS - In one of those only-in-New Orleans stories, visitors who put back too many beers and hurricanes in the Big Easy have a remedy to help them shake off that dreaded New Year's hangover: Sara, the Recovery Concierge.

Name your poison, Sara Baker has the medicine: Ginger-root tea and a po-boy roll breakfast for the mildly hung over, pain killers and caffeine for those who really got sloshed the night before. There's also potions, bath salts and steamed water to rehydrate the weary — along with sage advice on how to recuperate.

"There are two standbys that I never fail to fall back onto. The triple T — Tylenol, tea and toast — and Cafe Du Monde," Baker says hurriedly, her hotel bustling with New Year's traffic. "I'm here to help people handle the excesses of New Orleans."

Baker is in charge of the Loews New Orleans Hotel's hangover concierge program, which is spelled out in a booklet in every room. It is for guests who overindulge in the city's many excesses: booze, pralines, dripping jambalaya, succulent steaks, among other temptations.

The idea of a hangover concierge is not totally unique; other hotels offer spa services meant to revitalize their guests. At the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, a make-your-own-Bloody Mary bar is offered at the spa, butlers are summoned to draw baths by dialing zero and full-body massages are on order for tired and drained guests.

DID OSHA APPROVE THIS SCAFFOLD?