Subject: Daily Dose - 050206 - biker club, THIS is TRUE, soldiers riding bicycles, Star Spangled Banner, DDL, Rotten News

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

________________________

THIS is TRUE....

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CONSUME YOUR MERCHANDISE: Bay County (Fla.) Sheriff's Office say John Douglas Sheetz, 18, and Misty Ann Holmes, 17, called them to report a theft -- of their marijuana stash. They let officers search their house for evidence -- and were then arrested for possession of marijuana with intent to deliver. "They're America's dumbest criminals," a sheriff's spokesman said. (AP)
...Maybe, but tomorrow's another day.

***

CANNONBALL RUN: Just 45 minutes after Theresa M. Wilson, 43, of Curtis, Wash., found her boyfriend with another woman, she says, she saw him driving on the road. She rammed his car three times and forced it off the road, state troopers say. "Oh my God, oh my God, that's not my boyfriend," she allegedly said after the crash -- she had mistaken a stranger's car for her boyfriend's. Wilson was arrested and charged with assault. "We've got an anger management issue," the arresting trooper said. (Olympia Olympian)
...Gee, I can't imagine why her boyfriend wanted to move on.

***

WHATEVER YOU SAY: After dating for 10 years, Denise Dancer, 37, of Melbourne, Vic., Australia, was finally engaged to marry her boyfriend, Paul Bayliss, 34. But Dancer came home early one day and discovered Bayliss had a girlfriend on the side: Dancer's 18-year-old daughter, Emma. It took Dancer eight weeks to confront the couple, who admitted to an affair, and she canceled the wedding. "He made contact to say he may have made a mistake and he wants to come back," Dancer says, but "I told him he'd made his bed and had to lie on it." Bayliss has now announced his engagement to Emma. (Melbourne Herald Sun)
...Now Dancer knows the meaning of "an unfortunate choice of words."

***

WEDDED BLISS(TERS): Scott McKie, 23, and Victoria Anderson, 40, were married in Manchester, England, but they didn't make it to their honeymoon. McKie offended his bride with his "drunken toast" to the bridesmaids at the reception, and she hit him over the head with an ashtray. He responded by throwing a hat stand "like a javelin," witnesses say. A melee ensued that took several police officers to calm down, during which time McKie head-butted one constable and socked another in the face. The bride and groom were arrested, and Anderson said she wanted a divorce. Total elapsed marriage time: 90 minutes. (London Telegraph)
...Another 10 minutes and they would have made it to "death do us part."

***

WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT READY FOR THIS CLOSE-UP: "TV Stations Shun 'Phil the Sore' Syphilis Ad"
-- Reuters headline

_________________________

In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."

________________________

As a soldier approaches a checkpoint in the dark the voice of the sentry suddenly barks, "Halt! Who's there?"

"I'm an American," came the reply.

"Is that so? Okay, advance and recite the second verse of the 'Star Spangled Banner.'"

"It's, uuuuh, something-something, the morning's first gleam, tell you the truth I don't really know it," came the confession finally.

"Proceed," said the sentry.

________________________

DDL

Playing poker with busty Miss Ware,
He announced, as he folded with flair,
"I had four of a kind,
But those aces, combined,
Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair!"

________________________

"Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, "Konsult Kardiologist".
--David Letterman

***

"I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave."
--Dennis Miller

***

"Baseball's Anaheim Angels have officially changed their name to the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim". The longest name ever! Doesn't this sound like the team got divorced and remarried. They're forced to use their maiden name, for business reasons."
--Jay Leno

***

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
--Bill Maher

***  

"You can expect Bobby to be Bobby. If Bobby ain't Bobby, Bobby can't be Bobby."
--Singer Bobby Brown discussing his upcoming reality show in People magazine.

_______________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Mexico defends comic book for illegal immigrants

Tue Jan 4,11:51 PM ET 

By Tim Gaynor

MONTERREY, Mexico (Reuters) - Mexico has defended a government comic book showing illegal migrants how to cross the border and live quietly in the United States against charges that it promotes undocumented immigration.

The 32-page colour primer, published by Mexico's foreign ministry in December, gives would-be migrants tips including how to swim across the Rio Grande and avoid dehydration in the desert. It also sets out their legal rights on detention.

Some U.S. groups and newspaper editorial writers have slammed the booklet as a "how-to" manual for 1 million or more Mexicans who attempt the illegal crossing each year.

"It's reminiscent of the instructions to al Qaeda operatives to help their terrorists keep a low profile in safe houses in Britain," Ric Oltman of the Federation for American Immigration Reform told Reuters.

But Mexico's foreign ministry said the booklet was an attempt to save lives and inform migrants of the legal consequences of entering the United States.

"Last year over 300 Mexicans died in their attempt to enter the United States in search of a job and the government has the obligation to avoid that," Geronimo Gutierrez, the ministry's undersecretary for North American affairs told Reuters on Tuesday.

"The guide clearly states that the safe and appropriate way to enter any country is with a valid passport and a visa, and in no way promotes undocumented immigration," he added.

The official said some 1.5 million copies of the pamphlet had been distributed to several states in central Mexico with high migration rates.

The booklet urges migrants to wear light clothing to make their swim across border rivers easier and suggests they add salt to water to avoid dehydration while crossing the deserts that form much of the 2,000-mile (3,200-km) frontier.

It also informs migrants of their rights to medical and consular attention if they are detained by U.S. officials.

********

January 4, 2005 

Doctors astounded: drunken man survives astronomical blood-alcohol level

SOFIA, Bulgaria (AP) - Incredulous doctors made five blood tests on a drunken man to confirm he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.914, far above the usual life-threatening range, police and doctors said Tuesday.

The 67-year old man, whose name was not released, was hospitalized Dec. 20, when a car knocked him down on a street in the southern Bulgarian city of Plovdiv.

A breath test showed an incredibly high blood alcohol level, but police officers thought the result was inaccurate because the man was conscious and talked with them, said Col. Angel Rangelov, head of police in Plovdiv.

Laboratory analysis of five subsequent blood samples taken the same day confirmed that the man had had a blood-alcohol level of 0.914, Rangelov said. A blood-alcohol level of 0.55 is usually considered life threatening.

The man was reported in stable condition after treatment for head injuries.

*******

Cleric Suspect Misses Hearing Due to Long Toe Nails

Tue Jan 4,10:06 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri failed to appear before a British court Tuesday, complaining his toe nails were too long and he could not walk.

Abu Hamza, who is also wanted by the United States over 11 alleged offences, was charged by British police last year on 16 counts including one terror-related offence.

He had been due to make an appearance via video-link from the high-security Belmarsh jail in London where he is being held.

"Hamza has physical difficulties. He is unable to walk. He has been perambulating barefoot around the prison," said defense lawyer Peter Hynes.

Prosecutor Adina Ekiel added: "He is complaining that his toe nails are too long."

Britain accuses Hamza -- who lost an eye and both hands in Afghanistan fighting Soviet forces -- of 10 charges of using public meetings to incite his followers to kill non-Muslims.

He is also charged with using threatening, abusive or insulting behavior with intent to stir up racial hatred, one offence of possessing threatening, abusive or insulting sound recordings, and one charge of possessing a "terrorist" document.

WHAT'S THIS WORLD COMING TO