Subject: Daily Dose - 050205 - stutters, BIZARRE NEWS, Steve Martin quotes,
DDL, Rotten News
This guy who stutters badly, walks
into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer."
The Bartender, who is badly
humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."
The guy thinks that's pretty high
priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but
that's our price."
The guy pays him and drinks it down.
He then says, " Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey, ppplease."
The bartender serves him a shot of
whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00, please."
The guy says, "Ddddamn!
Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The Bartender says, "Yes, but
that's our price."
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey
and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of
my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."
The bartender replies, "Oh
that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were
in here."
The guy shrugs. "Eeeeverything
else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."
_____________________
BIZARRE NEWS...
Bizarre Crimes of the 20th Century
In 1901, a thief robbed a post train
in New Orleans and stole 12,568 Christmas cards.
In 1910, a man known as John Smith
decided to rob a bank. He put on women's tights and entered the office. All
clients and the security started laughing, but it did not stop Smith from
approaching the cash desk and withdrawing $10,000 from his own account.
Laughing police officers took the bizarre thief away.
In 1936, a prisoner sentenced to death
penalty escaped during his own execution. He ran away together with the
electric chair, to which he was fixed. The prisoner hoped to cross the Mexican
border and sell the electric chair in Mexico. The police nabbed the fugitive
near the prison gate.
In 1966, a group of gypsies stole an
elephant in the city of Arkhangelsk, Russia. They failed to sell the animal and
had to bring it back to the zoo.
In 1975, a married couple of thieves
went to court when they could not agree on how to split what they had stolen
before. The court put them both in jail.
In 1980, two perpetrators tried to
rob a bank in New York. They disarmed the security, told them to take all money
and other metal things out of their pockets and stole all that. No one even
bothered to catch them.
In 1982, a criminal broke into a
flat of a Russian elderly lady and stole a replica of Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. The
lady cut that picture out from a very old magazine - it was the only thing that
the criminal stole.
In 1986, a thief broke into a casino
in Atlantic City. Yielding a gun, the man stole a bag of quarters. The thief
ran about ten meters away from the cash desk, sat down at one of the gambling
machines and started playing. Hardly had he lost a half of the money to the
machine, when the police nabbed him.
In 1998, the largest theft of
punched cards took place in the Moscow region in 1998. Three years later it
became known that someone had stolen about 20 train cars of punched cards. It
is still a mystery who stole the cards, what for and where such a large number
of cards came from. Furthermore, no one even reported the disappearance of 20
cars.
In 1999, a group of Russian soldiers
robbed a beer kiosk not far from their quarters. A company of soldiers stopped
near the kiosk, a sergeant called three military men from the line and ordered
them to rob it.
***
Thinking Outside the Box
PHILADELPHIA - A cafe on the
University of Pennsylvania campus focuses on the most important meal of the day
- any time of the day. Cereality Cereal Bar & Cafe has jammies-clad servers
pouring cereal for customers both day and night, topping it off with everything
from fruit to malted milk balls, and serving it in "bowls" resembling
Chinese takeout containers.
Behind glass-door kitchen-style
cabinets at Cereality are 30 varieties of brand-name cold cereal. Customers
order from "cereologists," whose most popular mix is two 8-ounce
scoops with one of 36 toppings, plus regular, flavored or soy milk for $2.95.
This sugar-coated cafe has been a
hit with its customers, who enjoy munching on different kinds of cereal without
having to buy the whole box.
***
Land Down Under Gets Down &
Dirty
AUSTRALIA - I think I'm working on
the wrong continent. The only Christmas bonus I've ever gotten for my hard work
is a little extra cash.
Dedicated employees in Queensland,
however, are being rewarded for their labor with a trip to the brothel.
Queensland brothels are preparing
for their busiest time of the year and say they are expecting a large rush of
workers treating themselves to a celebratory romp. Apparently, a visit to the
brothel has long been a favorite way for groups of co-workers to mark the end
of the year. Some generous employers also show their gratitude by paying for
strip shows at job sites or in strip clubs.
Hmmm, I wonder if the boss will go
for this idea...
***
Snakes Strike Twice
OSLO, Norway - A Norwegian man was
hospitalized twice in the same day after receiving bites from two different
poisonous snakes.
According to police the man was
bitten by a rattlesnake during the night and taken to the hospital. They soon
realized that the same man was hospitalized earlier after being bitten by a
Malaysian palm viper that same day.
It was later revealed that the man
was a collector of exotic animals. The man's collection was illegal and
was confiscated by the authorities. He now faces charges of illegally importing
wildlife into Norway.
***
What's in your Cereal?
NASHUA, N.H. - Police arrested
18-year-old Christopher Booze for allegedly emptying several large boxes of
cereal and filling them with electronic gadgets.
Booze paid for the cereal boxes and
made off with a digital camera, GPS system and a computer hard drive worth
approximately $800. He now faces felony theft charges.
Nice try, but couldn't have waited
until Christmas for those things?
________________________
How about some Steve Martin
quotes...
"Sex is one of the most
beautiful and natural things that money can buy."
"I gave my cat a bath the other
day...He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my
tongue, but other than that..."
"What? You been keeping records
on me? I wasn't so bad! How many times did I take the Lord's name in vain? One
million and six? Jesus Ch---."
"In French, oeuf means egg,
cheese is fromage...it's like those French have a different word for
everything."
"I believe you should place a
woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress."
"I believe that Ronald Reagan
can make this country what it once was...an arctic region covered with
ice."
________________________
DDL
McDonald the Scot, a whorehounder,
Engaged a slut just to confound her.
She stood him a-tilt,
Reached under his kilt,
And found there a hot quarter-pounder!
Soon his mac bloomed long and round
-
Tumescently over two pound!
She said to his raise,
"May I have mayonnaise?"
Indeed, it had quarts, and she drowned.
________________________
Drug Addiction, n. A popular method
of dealing with day-to-day living in the United States.
--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
***
France is the only country where the
money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
--Billy Wilder
***
"In politics stupididty is not
a handicap."
--Napoleon
***
Boundary, n. In political geography,
an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one
from the imaginary rights of the other.
--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Tuesday, 4 January, 2005, 03:10
GMT
Tribe shoots arrows at aid
flight
By Jonathan Charles
BBC News, Andaman Islands
An Indian helicopter dropping food
and water over the remote Andaman and Nicobar Islands has been attacked by
tribesmen using bows and arrows.
There were fears that the endangered
tribal groups had been wiped out when massive waves struck their islands. But
the authorities say the attack is a sign that they have survived.
More than 6,000 people there are
confirmed as either dead or missing, but thousands of others are still
unaccounted for.
The Indian coastguard helicopter was
flying low over Sentinel Island to drop aid when it came under attack.
A senior police officer said the
crew were not hurt and the authorities are taking it as a sign that the tribes
have not been wiped out by the earthquake and sea surges as many had feared.
The Andaman and Nicobar archipelago
is home to several tribes, some extremely isolated.
*******
Caught On Tape: Goose Wins Fight
With Bobcat
POSTED: 2:08 pm EST January 4, 2005
Officials with the California
Department of Fish and Game were shocked to see a farmer's surveillance video
of a pet goose fighting off a bobcat several times, according to Local 6 News.
Fred Painter of Sonora, Calif., said
he installed a surveillance camera on his property after nine pet ducks, four
chickens, 2 geese and other animals kept disappearing.
When Painter looked at the videotape
the next morning, he saw his pet goose fending off a bobcat.
"The goose fought him
off," Painter said. "I was very surprised."
An hour after the initial attack,
the bobcat was seen reappearing in the video and attempting to attack the
goose. Again, the goose was able to fend off the attack.
"This goes against everything
I've ever been trained about bobcats," Department of Fish and Game
spokesman Patrick Foy said. "Bobcats, next to wolverines are probably the
fiercest animal pound-for-pound in California. They are absolutely
ferocious."
*******
Wed, Jan 05, 2005
Jailed Man Sentenced for Cheese
Sandwches
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. - A man
serving a life sentence for murder was sentenced to three additional years in
prison for passing out cheese sandwiches while in jail.
Douglas Eugene Wilson, 45, pleaded
guilty Monday to possession of contraband and was sentenced by District Judge
Thomas Kane.
Prosecutors said Wilson had the
sandwiches while in jail awaiting trial on the murder charge and he tried to
give them to other inmates, which is a violation of jail rules. A sheriff's
deputy testified at a hearing in May that they warned Wilson not to pass food
to other inmate then shocked him with a stun gun when he ignored them.
Wilson was tackled and handcuffed
after he reportedly charged a deputy. Second-degree assault and attempted
second-degree assault charges against Wilson were dropped in exchange for the
contraband guilty plea.
"Why are the taxpayers paying
the judiciary to hold this hearing on some contraband sandwiches?" he said
in a telephone interview with the Gazette of Colorado Springs. "Taxpayers
want to know where their money is going — there it is."
Wilson was convicted last month of
first-degree murder in the strangling death of Liza Chavez, 37.
PROTESTERS
- NICE ONES