Subject: Daily Dose - 050202 - bragging, BIZARRE NEWS, I wanna an annulment, DDL, Rotten News

Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families. The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The second guy says, "That's nothin'. I have eleven sons. One more and I'll have a football team."

The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre News - Truth In Advertising:  

These are some nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

* The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

* Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

* When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

* An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

* Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

* The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

***

Drunk Driver's Ed.  

Nashua, N.H. - A driving instructor obviously didn't know the rules of the road when he allegedly drove drunk to pick up students for a driver's education class.

State police said the man had hit a reflector pole and continued to drive with two flat tires.  After the man was pulled over police smelled alcohol on his breath and found he was in possession of anti-anxiety medication.

The driving instructor had been convicted of drunk driving a year prior.  He had concealed this information from the school and had other teachers cover the driving portions of the course.

One student said, "You wouldn't really expect that from your driver's ed instructor."  Good point, skippy.

***

Fake Hold-Up Not Funny  

La Vista, Neb. - When a man walks into a gas station and tells the clerk that he has a gun that's funny, right? Well, a young man thought it was when he played that old joke on the clerk, who just happened to be his mother.

When another customer overheard what was going on they dialed the police.  When officers found the man and his friend in a car they suddenly smelled pot.  After searching the vehicle they found a half pound of weed and hundreds of dollars in cash.

Both were arrested for possession of an illegal substance.  I'm sure mom is so proud.

______________________

Luigi: "Father, I wanna an annulment."

Priest: "Why, Luigi? You justa gota married yesterday."

Luigi: "I tink I married my sister."

Priest: "No, no Luigi. I know you an your wife alla your lives, and there is no relation.  Whata make-a you tink she's your sister?"

Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me say --"Oh, brother!"

_______________________

DDL

An Eskimo on his vacation,
Took a night off to succumb to temptation.
'Ere the night was half through,
The Eskimo was, too,
For their nights are of six months' duration.

_________________________

I made myself a snowball, as perfect as could be,  
I thought I'd keep it as a pet, and let it sleep with me.  
I made it some pajamas, and a pillow for its head,  
Then last night it ran away, but first it wet the bed.

***

"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."
--P. J. O'Rourke

***  

"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."
--Steve Martin  

***  

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
--Emo Philips

***

What your sleeping position says about you:

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

__________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Smugglers Hid Heroin in Puppies' Bellies

Wed Jan 5,10:25 AM ET

BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - Colombian drug traffickers surgically hid heroin in puppies' bellies in a plan to evade international customs controls, police said on Tuesday.

Acting on a tip-off, police found six puppies with scars on their abdomens at a rural property near the city of Medellin in northern Colombia, the Colombian Police said in a news release.

Ultrasound scans revealed bags of liquid heroin hidden inside the living animals. Police said traffickers planned to retrieve the drug once the dogs had passed customs abroad.

"The lust for money leads criminals to commit acts of great cruelty," the police said.

The puppies were recovering after the heroin was removed by veterinarians.

Using animals for smuggling is unusual although drug smugglers often rely on couriers to swallow condoms full of drugs and one Colombian woman was once found with cocaine surgically implanted in her buttocks.

*******

Wed, Jan 05, 2005

Man Shot With Nail Gun Arrested at ER

ST. GEORGE, Utah - A man who drove himself to the emergency room after being shot in the calf with a nail gun was arrested at the hospital for not stopping when ordered.

Utah Highway Patrol Trooper Ben Lang started chasing the vehicle after it was spotted driving recklessly on Interstate 15, tailing the man to the hospital.

At one point, Lang said he told the driver over a loudspeaker to pull over. He said the man got out of the car at a stop light, but Lang ordered him to get back in his car. Then, the man took off again toward the hospital.

The driver was reacting to the emotion of an emergency, but an ambulance wasn't called and drivers don't have a right to drive like an emergency vehicle, Lang said.

Drivers must pull over when ordered by an officer, and Lang said it would have only taken a minute or two to explain the situation.

*******

Sheriff posts snipers after firings

Tuesday, January 4, 2005

JONESBORO, Georgia (AP) -- On his first day on the job, the new sheriff called 27 employees into his office, stripped them of their badges, fired them, and had rooftop snipers stand guard as they were escorted out the door.

The move Monday by Clayton County Sheriff Victor Hill provoked an angry reaction and prompted a judge to order him to rehire the employees.

"It appears ... that employees of the Sheriff were terminated without cause" and in violation of the county's civil service rules, Judge Stephen Boswell wrote in granting a 30-day restraining order.

Hill, 39, defended the firings and said the new sheriff has the right to shake up the department in whatever way he feels necessary. He told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution that he fired the employees to "maintain the integrity of the department."

"A lot of people are under the impression that the sheriff's office is under civil service laws," he said. "But my research shows the employees work at the pleasure of the sheriff."

The firings had a racial overtone. Hill was among a spate of black candidates elected last year in the county once dominated by rural whites. The county seat was the setting for the fictional plantation Tara in "Gone With The Wind."

The fired employees included four of the highest-ranking officers, all of them white. Hill told the newspaper their replacements would be black.

Another of the newly elected black officials, Eldrin Bell, called the move illegal and filed for the restraining order granted by the judge. Bell is the new county commission chairman and former Atlanta police chief.

Hill said the manner in which he fired the workers -- including taking some deputies home in vans normally used to transport prisoners because the deputies were barred from using county cars -- was necessary.

He cited the assassination of Sheriff Derwin Brown in neighboring DeKalb County in 2000. Brown was gunned down in the driveway of his home three days before he was to be sworn in. Former sheriff Sidney Dorsey was found guilty of plotting to kill him and sentenced to life in prison.

"Derwin Brown sent out letters to 25 to 30 people letting them know they would not be reappointed when he took office," Hill said.

Can't be good....