Subject: Daily Dose - 050125 - serious relationship, BIZARRE NEWS
A guy walks into a shrink's office
complaining of trouble with women. The shrinks asks him what he looks for in a
woman, and the guy replies, "Big tits."
The shrink says, "No, I meant
for a serious relationship."
The guy replies, "Oh, seriously
big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you
look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
The doctor looked kind of worried as
the guy sat there on his couch laughing... "Spend the rest of my life with
one woman? No woman's tits are that big!"
___________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
More Mistakes From New English
Language Students
[These were such a hit that I thought I'd include a few more!]
"In some countries, you should only drink the water that a tourist already
drank. Maybe it will taste bad, but it will not have poison."
"My father is a highly rank
government official."
"This morning, I was walking
outside, when suddenly a big shower fell on me!"
"We won two gold medals, one
silver, and four blonds!"
"Please execute me for being
late."
"I never liked mushrooms, but
now they are starting to grow in me."
"Such behavior will result in
immediately being exploded from the university."
"The groom was wearing a very
nice croissant."
"My landlord gave me a one year
contraction. It will be over soon."
"I can usually know when he is
lying because he starts to breed a little faster."
"I don't know if he will
propose, but I am expecting."
"Last night, when I ate dinner,
I started joking. My friend hit my back very hard until I stopped. I was so
lucky he was there!"
***
Why You Shouldn't Play With Your
Food...
MUNSEY PARK, N.Y. - A Japanese
hibachi chef didn't know what he was getting into when he playfully threw a
piece of grilled shrimp toward a tableside diner. The food-flinging incident at
a Benihana restaurant is now being blamed for causing a man's death.
The lawyer for the deceased man's
estate says that the man's reflex to duck from the food caused a neck injury
that required surgery. Apparently, the first operation had complications, so a
second surgery was performed. Five months later, Jerry Colaitis died of an
illness his family blames on the injury.
Alleging wrongful death, Colaitis'
estate is seeking $10 million in damages.
***
I See London, I See France...
BURLINGTON, Ont. - According to
police, two young girls were on their way to a coffee shop when they were
flashed. The flasher, a 30-year-old man, wasn't nude under his dark bathrobe,
but happened to be sporting a woman's bra and thong.
After viewing the scantily clad
fella, the girls ran to the police and gave his description. Det. Al Nikitin of
Halton regional police said, "It's semi-weird, but I've seen
weirder."
We're all ears.
***
An Un-bee-lievable Getaway
SEDALIA, Mo. - A shoplifter,
suspected of taking about $60 worth of perfume, batteries, CDs and a pair of
scissors from a local K-Mart, found himself in a tight spot. When security
personnel followed him into the store's bathroom, they were surprised by
approximately 100 bees.
According to Commander John DeGonia
of the Sedalia Police Department, "He probably started yelling 'Bees!
Bees,' then created this big diversion and got away. He must have walked into
the store with them in a jar or a container."
The bumblebee bandit is still at
large.
***
No Babysitter? No Problem!
SAN DIEGO, California - A mother
used her car trunk as a babysitter to keep her 7-year-old son from going
anywhere while she partied at a bar with her boyfriend.
Sarah Powell, 27, has pleaded guilty
to child abuse and false imprisonment. Powell was arrested on August 23 at a
bar after a witness alerted police that the boy was in the trunk of Powell's
Volvo.
Her son was found in the trunk with
a pillow and a sleeping bag. Since she couldn't find a babysitter, apparently
Powell thought this was the best way to keep her son safe.
Powell's boyfriend, Jake Faria, was
arrested a few days later.
____________________________
The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get
insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two
weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long
hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the
Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely
rich?
A: Yes. This is the
Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net
you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million
Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to
get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days
though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that
so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says
"Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose
Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low
phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a
phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be
making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get
my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business
person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh,
clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then
start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You
are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own
good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says
it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and
ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business,
it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my
new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and
flashy banners.
--Join every free banner exchange.
--Get your own free-for-all links page.
--Hire a bulk emailer.
--Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm
still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am
I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not
very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet
earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends
who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the
Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of
anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the
first.
_____________________________
DDL
The Duchess once asked with a wink,
"Pray tell me, sir, Why do farts stink?"
I quickly replied
With a smile very wide,
"For the benefit of the deaf, I think!"
______________________________
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation--but I'm not very good
at it.
--Arnold Brown
***
"My grandfather lived to be 103
years old. The truth is, nobody knows what's good for you. Every morning he
would eat an entire raw onion and smoke a cigar. You know what his dying words
were? Nobody knows, they couldn't get near the guy!"
--Jonathan Katz
***
"Bobby Brown is coming out with
a new reality show...it's called "Being Bobby Brown". Which is better
than the original title: "Beating Whitney Houston".
--Jay Leno
***
Look at the kind of morons we elect
to represent us:
"I say, get 'em by the balls
and their hearts and minds will follow."
--Mendel Rivers, representative from South Carolina, during a debate over the
best method to win the hearts and minds of foreign nations.
____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Homeland Security Agents Visit Toy
Store
Thu Oct 28, 5:20 PM ET
ST. HELENS, Ore. - So far as she
knows, Pufferbelly Toys owner Stephanie Cox hasn't been passing any state
secrets to sinister foreign governments, or violating obscure clauses in the
Patriot Act.
So she was taken aback by a
mysterious phone call from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security to her
small store in this quiet Columbia River town just north of Portland.
"I was shaking in my
shoes," Cox said of the September phone call. "My first thought was
the government can shut your business down on a whim, in my opinion. If I'm
closed even for a day that would cause undue stress."
When the two agents arrived at the
store, the lead agent asked Cox whether she carried a toy called the Magic
Cube, which he said was an illegal copy of the Rubik's Cube, one of the most
popular toys of all time.
He told her to remove the Magic Cube
from her shelves, and he watched to make sure she complied.
After the agents left, Cox called
the manufacturer of the Magic Cube, the Toysmith Group, which is based in Auburn,
Wash. A representative told her that Rubik's Cube patent had expired, and the
Magic Cube did not infringe on the rival toy's trademark.
Virginia Kice, a spokeswoman for
Immigration and Customs Enforcement, said agents went to Pufferbelly based on a
trademark infringement complaint filed in the agency's intellectual property
rights center in Washington, D.C.
"One of the things that our
agency's responsible for doing is protecting the integrity of the economy and
our nation's financial systems and obviously trademark infringement does have
significant economic implications," she said.
Six weeks after her brush with
Homeland Security, Cox told The Oregonian she is still bewildered by the
experience.
"Aren't there any terrorists
out there?" she said.
*********
Police struggle to stop naked street
lovers
Sat Oct 30, 1:00 PM ET
BERLIN (Reuters) - German police say
they have detained a naked 25-year-old woman and her 23-year-old partner who
were engaged in sexual intercourse on the pavement in the middle of a busy
shopping district.
Police in the western town of Duelmen said the couple were spotted by
pedestrians late on Friday morning having intercourse. Pedestrians in the town
of 40,000 called police, but the couple initially ignored police orders to
stop.
"The naked couple continued
their passion-filled activity on the cold asphalt," a police spokesman
said on Saturday. "They finally followed police instructions to stop on
the third warning."
The spokesman said the two face a
100-euro fine each for disturbing the peace.
********
Saturday, October 30,
2004
Man glued condom to himself
A Romanian father-of-five needed
medical help after he superglued a condom to his penis.
Nicolae Popovici, 43, told doctors
he didn’t want any more children, reports National newspaper. The man, from
Topraiser in Constanta County, named only as NP in the paper, already has five
children.
He and his wife decided to use
contraception but the condom they bought was too big so he stuck it on with
glue. After sex, the man realised he couldn’t remove the condom and went to his
village’s medical clinic for help. A nurse said: “He even said that he thought
the condom could be used several times and that he wanted it stuck on his penis
so he could use it again later. We barely managed to remove it in the end.”
ananova
Order it used ????