Subject: Daily Dose - 050124 - Company Car characteristics, BIZARRE NEWS, lying onna da beach, DDL, Rotten News

10 Characteristics of The Company Car...  

- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.  

- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.  

- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.  

- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.  

- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.  

- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.  

- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.  

- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.  

- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.  

- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Mistakes From New English Language Students

"I was walking to school and suddenly a beautiful woman cut my eye."

"She said she doesn't like fringe kissing. She prefers kissing men without tongues."

"He always erupts before I am finished talking."

"We were lovers, but now she is my biggest enema!"

"My father met us at the airport and gave me a big hog. Then he hogged my wife."

"We live on the sex floor. Our apartment is small but we have a nice view."

"He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss."

"Unfortunately, the school board was forced to cut fifteen percent off all teachers."

"Do you like this food? I made it from scratching!"

"I like you. My other tutor won't correct my grandma."

"It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air."

"Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it."

"You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my friends do when they visit.

[Courtesy of www.innocentenglish.com]  

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Don't Mess With Grandma

LYNNWOOD, Wash. - One granny did more than her civic duty by grabbing a handcuffed man who was trying to escape from police and held onto him until Officer Anne Codiga tackled him.

"I get pushed and shoved a little sometimes at the mall, but nothing like this," said 60-year-old Janice Lewis. When she saw the man trying to flee, she grabbed his jacket and didn't let go. She broke a finger and bruised her hand in the scuffle.

The chase began at a credit union where police had arrested and handcuffed the man for trying to use an account that wasn't his. Lewis saw the man running from police near the credit union, but thought officers had caught him. So she was shocked to see him suddenly running toward her from the parking garage.

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A Lot More Dough Than She Started With

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. - GoldenPalace.com, an online casino, is now the proud owner of a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that bears the image of the Virgin Mary. It only cost the casino $28,000 to win the sandwich from a woman on eBay.

Company executives said they were willing to spend "as much as it took" to own the 10-year-old half-sandwich with a bite out of it. They almost lost the chance to own the sacred sandwich after eBay initially pulled the auction thinking it was a joke. The firm later put the page back up after they confirmed that sandwich owner Diana Duyser would deliver on the bid.

"I would like all people to know that I do believe that this is the Virgin Mary Mother of God," Duyser, a work-from-home jewelry designer, said in the casino's statement.

***

A Fake Can Be Just as Good as the Real Thing

ALBANY, Ore. - The time has come once again for citizens to take the law into their own hands.

Rick Pyburn was sick and tired of speeders driving through his neighborhood.  He decided to create a decoy to put the brakes on the local leadfoots. He built and painted a plywood police cruiser and stuck it in some bushes near his home.

The decoy worked so well that Pyburn plans to market his creation for urban and rural areas.

The Benton County Sheriff's Office wasn't upset, but say they would like more deputies on duty so residents won't have to go to such lengths.

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Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around."

"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me i-na jail!"

"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."

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DDL

Sobbed the wife of a worrisome veep,
"I'm so tired and worn I could weep.
It's my husband's demand
For a tit in each hand -
And the bastard walks 'round in his sleep!"

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"White House officials tried to talk to Dick Cheney about softening his image, but have been told never to interrupt him when he's yelling at puppies."
-Craig Kilborn

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"Here's an important message for Ohio. Please remember to have the crooked voting machines returned back to Florida by Friday."
--David Letterman

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Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

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"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
--Bill Kelly

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Rotten News....  (true)

Vandals glue shut Australian betting shop doors

Tue Nov 2, 6:06 AM ET 

MELBOURNE (Reuters) - Vandals have glued shut the doors to 25 betting shops in Australia on the eve of the country's biggest horse race.

Australians were expected to bet about A$120 million (49 million pounds) on the 144th Melbourne Cup, known as "the race that stops a nation", to be run over 3,200 metres starting at 5.10 a.m. on Tuesday.

Overnight, vandals pumped quick-drying glue into the door locks of 25 TAB Ltd betting shops in the Victoria state capital Melbourne, officials said.

Punters suffered only minor inconvenience as six locksmiths raced across the city to repair the damage, they said.

"It will take a lot more than superglue to keep punters out of the TAB on Melbourne Cup day," TAB spokesman Bruce Tobin said.

No one has claimed responsibility. Race officials and police say they are investigating but are yet to make a breakthrough.

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Mon, Nov 01, 2004

Taxpayer Dies After Official Error

WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish taxpayer died from a heart attack after a demand for immediate payment in full of 80,000 zlotys ($23,560) following a mistake by the tax office.

Locksmith Zbigniew Macewicz died during a hearing in the central city of Bydgoszcz, where tax collectors demanded 80,000 zlotys because he failed to keep to a restructuring agreement.

But, in fact, the tax office had miscalculated one payment, telling Macewicz to pay 8.80 zlotys less than he should have and thus putting him in arrears on his repayment schedule.

The government expressed regret over the incident.

"I express my deep regret at the taxpayer's death," deputy Finance Minister Stanislaw Stec was quoted by the Gazeta Wyborcza daily as saying in Bydgoszcz, where he was sent to look into the matter.

He ordered an internal audit of the city's tax authorities.

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Canada says "kemosabe" not racist

Tue Nov 2, 3:13 PM ET 

OTTAWA (Reuters) - "Kemosabe", the name given to the Lone Ranger by his friend Tonto in the 1950s TV western "The Lone Ranger", is not a racist term, a Canadian court has found.

The ruling was delivered by the Nova Scotia Court of Appeal last week in a case involving a native Canadian woman who complained that the manager of the store where she worked had created a poisoned environment by calling her kemosabe.

The manager of the second-hand sports store, in Sydney, Nova Scotia, argued kemosabe was a term he used to address customers as well as employees.

The court ruling confirmed a earlier decision by a Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission board of inquiry. That decision was made after the board spent a full shift watching "Lone Ranger" reruns.

The board found that at the start of their relationship, Tonto, a native American, had recognized the injured Lone Ranger as the man who had saved his life years before, and started calling him kemosabe.

"When asked what it meant, Tonto responded 'trusty friend,'" the board found. "Both the Lone Ranger and Tonto treat one another with respect...At no time during the episodes is the term kemosabe ever used in a demeaning or derogatory manner."

The board found, however, that while Tonto was always treated with respect, the long-running U.S. TV series treated other native American characters in a demeaning manner.