Subject: Daily Dose - 050117 - dildos, THIS is TRUE, REASONS FOR DIVORCE,
DDL, Rotten News
A lady walks into a sex store and
says to the salesman, "Where are the dildos?"
The clerk points and says, "On
the wall over there."
She looks and says, "I want one
of the red ones."
The salesman says, "No, lady.
The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher."
_________________________
THIS is TRUE...
HEY! WHAT'S SO UNCLEAR ABOUT 'NO
GUNS ON SCHOOL GROUNDS'? An F-16 fighter pilot on a training mission missed his
target at the Warren Grove Gunnery Range, instead spraying 25 rounds from his
20mm cannon into the Little Egg Harbor (N.J.) Intermediate School, which is
three miles from the range. Luckily, it was 10:00 at night and no children were
present. Col. Brian Webster, commander of the 177th Fighter Wing of the New
Jersey Air Guard, said the shooting was accidental. "We don't know why it
fired," Webster said. "The pilot was flying along, and the gun
discharged." One parent was upset at the news. "I never really
thought it was a possibility that they could make this kind of mistake,"
said Brian Farreny. "But it worries me now that it could happen."
(Newark Star-Ledger)
..."Could"?
***
THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN UPPER
TURKEYFOOT TOWNSHIP: Pennsylvania State Police investigated an incident in
Lower Turkeyfoot Township. They say that shortly after midnight one evening,
Donald Eugene Rugg, 43, saw a mouse in the house, so he grabbed his .22-caliber
pistol and took aim. Just as he fired, his housemate Cathy Jo Harris, 35,
stepped in front of him. She was hit in the arm. Police ruled the shooting
accidental, and no charges were filed. The mouse was uninjured. (Pittsburgh
Tribune-Review)
...Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat feet out your door.
***
HOW LOW CAN ONE GO? During an
attempt to set a world record for deep diving, Australian David Shaw had
reached a depth of 271 meters in the Boesmansgat sinkhole in South Africa, when
he found he was not the first one there. He found the skeletal remains of Deon
Dreyer, who had never come up from a similar record-setting attempt in 1994.
Shaw said he could have gone deeper, but gave up his quest after he found
Dreyer's body. (AFP)
...Sure he could have gone deeper, but he knew he'd never break the endurance
record.
***
ARTISTIC LICENSE: Florida artist
Maria Alquilar initially refused to return to Livermore, Calif., to fix
spelling errors on a mural she created at the city's new library. She admits
the tile mural includes 11 spelling "oversights", including the names
of historical figures such as "Eistein", "Shakespere",
"Van Gough" and "Michaelangelo". Alquilar says the library
should have caught them before she fixed them in with cement and was upset by
the criticism of her spelling prowess, but changed her mind and agreed to fix
the errors after the city agreed to pay her $6,000 plus travel expenses. She
was paid $40,000 to create the piece. Alquilar says the work is meant to be
"a testament to The Enlightenment" and said the controversy over her
spelling errors was "idiocy". (Contra Costa Times, Miami Herald)
...But can she spell that?
***
IF THIS CAR'S ROCKIN'...:
"Lovers' Passionate Pitstop Sends Car off Cliff in Argentina"
-- AFP headline
_________________________
REASONS FOR DIVORCE
A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him
whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for
permission."
A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him
a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club.
There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South
Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in
sign language."
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to
"duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's
house."
A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he
"stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."
_________________________
DDL
There once was a girl from Old Witz,
Who had the most marvelous tits.
She said with a smile,
As she bounced them awhile,
"I can't find a bra that they fits!"
_________________________
I was making love to this girl and
she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate
yourself in the morning?"
She said. "No. I hate myself
now."
--Rodney Dangerfield
***
I went to my doctor and told him
"My penis is burning."
He said, "That means somebody
is talking about it."
--Garry Shandling
***
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look
good?
Put a nipple on it.
***
"L.A. is so
celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson --
and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait."
--Bill Maher
__________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Man Tried to Rob Bank Being Built
Fri Nov 5, 4:26 PM ET
KENNESAW, Ga. - There is little
money to be gained from attempting to rob a bank that is still under
construction, police say a Marietta man learned on Wednesday.
Michael Donald Marshall, 39, entered
the Bank of America and demanded $500 from the tellers while threatening that
he had a gun, according to the Kennesaw Police Department.
The employees then told him the bank
wasn't open for business and there was no money. Kennesaw Police arrived as
Marshall exited the building empty-handed, officers said.
The suspect is charged with armed
robbery. During their investigation, police also learned that Marshall had an
outstanding warrant for shoplifting in Cobb, Kennesaw Police spokesman officer
Scott Luther said.
********
3 Sentenced for Golf Prostitution
Events
Fri Nov 5, 4:23 PM ET
U.S. National - AP
NORCO, Calif. - Two golf course
managers and a tournament organizer were sentenced to house arrest for hosting
two competitions featuring prostitutes and strippers stationed along the
putting greens.
Superior Court Judge Christian F.
Thierbach chided the three for their "immoral and illegal actions" at
the so-called girlie tournaments in spring 2002.
More than a dozen prostitutes and
strippers, including a 16-year-old girl, set up tents and advertised their
services on boards, officials said. About 160 golfers paid $200 apiece to play,
though some showed up without their clubs, officials said.
Sheriff's deputies wearing
camouflage raided the second tournament, detaining 90 golfers and 17 strippers
and alleged prostitutes, along with golf course workers.
Event organizer Sandy Juarez, 39,
was accused of providing the prostitutes. In a deal with prosecutors, she
pleaded guilty to felony conspiracy to corrupt public morals and testified
against Hidden Valley Golf Club general manager Jason Wood, 38, and his former
assistant, Darren James Bollinger, 30. The pair pleaded guilty in July to the
same charge.
All three were sentenced to 125 days
of house arrest.
Two golfers have been convicted of
engaging in prostitution, and the mother of the 16-year-old prostitute is
charged with child endangerment and prostitution.
*******
Read a book, get oral sex
Fri Nov 5, 2:07 PM ET
By Larry Fine
NEW YORK (Reuters) - New York
officials have been left red-faced after they discovered that clothing ads on
city buses that appeared to promote reading suggested a love of books could be
rewarded with oral sex.
The advertisements that ran on about
200 buses across the city in recent months carried posters displaying a
suggestively posed woman in hot pants kneeling among a pile of books beside the
snappy slogan "Read Books, Get Brain."
What unhip, unsuspecting local
transportation officials did not know was that "get brain" is street
slang for oral sex.
The ads -- from hip-hop clothing
maker Akademiks, which intended the double-entendre -- was stripped off New
York buses on Friday after transportation officials discovered the street slang
meaning.
A spokesman for the New York-based
clothing maker noted the ad campaign had run since September and "we
hadn't had any complaints at all."
New York officials may not be the
only ones caught out.
Akademiks also placed the ads on
buses and bus shelters in Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles, Detroit, San Francisco
and Philadelphia, the company spokesman said.
