Subject: Daily Dose - 050116 - multi-flavored condoms, BIZARRE NEWS, how to pick a jury, DDL, Rotten News

A chap comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and  announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.

While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.

Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?"

To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."

__________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Trivia

Workers were suspended from a Las Vegas hospital in 1980 for betting on when patients would die.

There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.

The cavity fighter found in toothpaste is made from recycled tin.

No one knows where Mozart is buried.

Gardening is the best exercise for maintaining healthy bones.

Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke was in the "Guinness Book of World Records" for consuming 2.5 pints of beer in 12 seconds.

Forty trillion dollars changes hands each day worldwide.

The average person takes 18,000 steps in one day.

Morbidly obese humans are the world's heaviest primates; gorillas are after that at 485 pounds.

Forty one percent of the moon is not visible from the Earth at any time.

From the age of 30, humans gradually begin to shrink.

***  

They Could Give A Dam About Money

GREENSBURG, La. - Three beavers were to blame for some missing cash - $70,000 to $75,000 to be exact.

The eager beavers snapped up a bag of bills stolen from a casino and wove the soggy money into the sticks and brush of their dam on a creek in Louisiana.

Deputies had been searching for the money that was taken from the Lucky Dollar Casino until a lawyer called and said the money had been left in the creek. Officers searched the creek, finding two of the three bags of cash. When they broke down the beaver dam to drain the pond, they discovered the dam's pricey decorations.

Casino workers were happy to get the money back, even if some of it was wet.

***

All's Affair In Love and War

CHICAGO - I should feel honored to live in one of the few states where spouses can file "alienation of affection" lawsuits. As if there aren't enough things over which you can sue...

Anyway, Steven Cyl is one unhappy guy and wants to be sure the man who stole his wife also suffers. Therefore, he is filing a lawsuit against Lee Bauman, claiming that he is suffering from mental anguish.

Cyl says that his wife met Bauman in a neighborhood bar and started having an affair with him. Since then, she has left Cyl and moved in with Bauman. When he found out he was being sued, Bauman apparently couldn't believe it.

"Is this for real?" he asked. Yes, buddy, I'm afraid it is.

__________________________

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up Hope until a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that."

___________________________

DDL

Said a fading old lecher named Cardigan,
"I'm afraid that I'll never get hard again.
What's more, the girls know
I've this trouble, and so,
At the local bordello, I'm barred again."

____________________________

"I'm the white Anglo-Saxon male: I'm everybody's asshole. Black people think I'm physically deficient and oppressive, gay people think I'm latently homosexual and overly macho, women think I'm oafish and horny, and Asians think I'm lazy and stupid."
--Dennis Miller  

***

"I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid. He was dead, but my parents had him cremated and put his ashes in my Etch-a-Sketch."
--Alan Hawey

***

"Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand."
--Jay Leno

***

"My wife is a bisexual."  

"You don't say?"  

"Yeah. She only wants to have sex twice a year."

____________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Small Mac and skinny fries

By CLODAGH HARTLEY

McDONALD’S has been accused of super-sized hypocrisy after banning fat people from new TV ads.

In a leaked memo, the casting company providing actors was told to ensure they were all were small fry. The importance of having no fat people was even outlined in capital letters.

It read: “Because this is McDonald’s, it is important that all artists submitted to us are NOT FAT OR OVERWEIGHT in any way.”

Capataz Casting yesterday held auditions in Central London for the advert, in which a “dull, regular guy” turns into a superhero.

Boss Simon Allen told staff: “He should be skinny and geeky and must not be fat or chubby in any way.”

Yesterday Mr Allen told The Sun: “It is a healthy body image that must be projected.”

But one actor said: “It smacks of hypocrisy by a firm whose products have been proven to make people overweight.”

*******

Fri, Nov 05, 2004

Mexicans protest over gun-toting priest's sacking

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Angry parishioners have chained shut a church in central Mexico in protest at the sacking of their priest, whose habit of tucking a gun under his robes has earned him fame and the nickname "Padre Pistolas".

Hundreds of people from the town of Chucandiro demonstrated outside the cathedral in the city of Morelia after Catholic church leaders there defrocked their gunslinging priest, Alfredo Gallegos, local media reported.

"We have closed the church with chains and that's how it will stay until Father Alfredo comes back," protester Gilberto Moron was quoting as saying on Friday, adding that locals would accept no other priest.

Gallegos is wildly popular with parishioners but has angered his Catholic superiors with his habit of wearing a shiny pistol beneath his robes, despite strict laws in Mexico banning private citizens from carrying guns.

Also known for his love of cowboy boots and country music, Gallegos says he only carries a gun for protection, noting several of his friends have been killed over the years.

Locals say he has brought them huge social benefits, helping the marginalized and raising money for roads and hospital projects. "He has united us as a people," said Moron.

Church leaders gave no reason for sacking the priest.

******

Fri, Nov 05, 2004

Canadian clergy in drive to join auto union

By Larissa Liepins

TORONTO (Reuters) - Canada's biggest blue collar union says it will bring the clerical collar into its fold, announcing plans to unionize some 4,000 ministers from the United Church, the country's largest Protestant denomination.

"The group is unique ... but the problems are similar to those in many workplaces," said Buzz Hargrove, president of the Canadian Auto Workers union. "And so we came to the conclusion that there was a legitimate need for (the clergy) to have representation."

The union was responding to a request for unionization by 30 disgruntled ministers from the United Church, who said their church does not adequately respond to clergy complaints.

Although some rabbis and Anglican priests in England have been unionized for 10 years, a unionized United Church would be a first for clergy in North America.

"You need to speak up when there's a problem and you need to name it ... and that problem is clergy abuse," said Rev. David Galston of Hamilton, Ontario, at Friday's press conference.

Galston said the abuse includes bullying, slander, stalking, harassment, and entering the minister's residence without permission.

Rev. Joe Ramsay, a senior spokesman for the United Church, said occasional confrontations with parishioners are part of a minister's job.

"You can't legislate the congregation to feel kindly towards you," he said.

CAW organizer Mike Shields disagreed. "Just because someone does something that's a calling of a religious nature, that shouldn't be a license to abuse them," he said.

Oh Shit!