Subject: Daily Dose - 050115 - would you tell anyone, THIS is TRUE, personal ads, DDL, Rotten News

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods, scratched your butt and found Vaseline all over it, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone then?"

The man said, "Of course not!"

The stranger said, "Wanna go camping?"

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THIS is TRUE...

THAT SLY COME-HITHER STARE: The city of Salem, Mass., is trying to figure out how to attract more tourists. They currently rely on everything to do with witches -- Salem is home of the famous 1692 "Salem Witch Trials", which resulted in 19 supposed witches being hanged -- and pretty much they only get big surges of interest around Halloween. Even the city's police cars have a graphic of a pointy-hatted witch on a broom, but the city has hired an image consultant to try to broaden the town's appeal, even though the town of 40,000 attracts about a million tourists a year. "Witch history has always been an important part of the city and always will be," says image consultant Mark Minelli. He has suggested a new slogan, "Think you know Salem? Think again." (Boston Globe)
...Think people will visit for any other reason? Think again.

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BURIED TREASURE: Deputies from the St. Bernard Parish, La., Sheriff's Office arrested Kenneth Rabalais, 19, after he allegedly pried open the tomb of his cousin, who was killed in an auto crash ten months ago. "He believed there was money and possibly marijuana behind the face of the tomb," a sheriff's spokesman says, "but apparently there was nothing there." Rabalais was charged with misdemeanor grave desecration and faces six months in jail. Meanwhile, detectives in Columbia County, Wisc., investigated the theft of the cremated remains of Michael Hendrickson, who committed suicide 10 years ago. He had been buried with several items of "memorabilia", including some beer. Detectives went to the home of Karen Stolzmann, 44, his former girlfriend, with a search warrant and say they found his cremation urn and some of the memorabilia, but think she drank the beer. They were not able to charge her for grave desecration, a felony in Wisconsin, since she dug him up shortly after he was buried, and the statute of limitations has expired. (New Orleans Times-Picayune, Portage Daily Register)
...Rabalais and Stolzmann: a match made in hell.

***

EXPOSING HIS ISSUES TO VOTERS: A candidate for state legislature from Conway, Ark., dropped out of the race after it was revealed that he has been arrested three times for exposing himself to children. Alan Fortney, 42, admits to the arrests, but says he paid the fines and was never jailed. "We all make mistakes in life, and those are my mistakes," he explained. When a reporter asked if he had exposed himself on other occasions when he was not caught, he did not respond, but said it was "unfortunate that somebody decided to notify everybody a few days before the election." (Conway Log Cabin Democrat)
...Better than a few days after, sir.

***

YEAH, WELL, WE'LL PROBABLY ELECT A BUNCH OF THEM ANYWAY: "Priority Placed on Getting Mistakes off the Ballot"
-- USA Today headline

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Actual personal ads which appeared in Israeli papers  

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write. POB 74.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is OK. POB 64

Attractive Jewish woman, 35,+ college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles. havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43

80-year-old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object: matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me, I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53

___________________________

DDL

An octopus, purple with passion,
Said, "Sex in the sea they can't ration.
Octopussy, when wet,
Is the best I've found yet--
I sure hope it don't go out of fashion!"

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"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine Dead in Interstate Pileup.'"
--Jay Leno

***  

"Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been married for 3 years? Divorced."
--David Letterman

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"A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!"
--Craig Kilborn

***

Impunity, n. Wealth.
--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

***

"Women should be obscene and not heard."
--Groucho Marx

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Rotten News...  (true)

Indian farmers turn to Cola to kill pests

Sun Nov 7, 6:05 AM ET 

GUNTUR, India (Reuters) - Cotton farmers in some Indian villages are flocking to buy Coca-Cola and Pepsi, believing that the sugar in the fizzy drinks kills pests.

Farmers say scientists advised them to mix pesticides with a sugary syrup to control pests, and they found the mixture cheaper and more effective than pure chemicals -- although soft drink makers and scientists dismissed the claims.

N. Hamunayya, who has become a celebrity in his village in the southeastern state of Andhra Pradesh, said his crop survived an attack of pests which had resisted other remedies.

"We found that all the colas had uniform effect on pests. The pests became numb and fell to ground," he said.

He said the drinks had all the elements they needed: they were cheaper, sticky, fizzy, and attracted ants, which devoured the larvae of the pests.

But Thirupathi Reddy, assistant director of the Regional Agri Research station, Guntur, says tests had refuted such claims.

"We conducted some field trials on cotton crop at our research station. There was no boosting of productivity or eradication of pests," he says.

Statements from Pepsi and Coca-Cola said there was "no scientific basis" for this practice.

But their vendors are enjoying booming sales.

In February, an Indian parliamentary panel upheld a report by an environment group that said beverages made by Coca-Cola and PepsiCo contained pesticides and called for tougher safety standards.

The U.S. firms strongly rejected the findings of the New Delhi-based Centre for Science and Environment and said their products were safe.

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Locusts - if you can't beat them, eat them

Sat Nov 6, 9:53 AM ET 

NICOSIA (Reuters) - In their struggle to cope with an invasion of desert locusts, Cypriot farmers may do well to turn to a U.N. site that counsels if you can't beat them eat them.

Locusts are rich in protein and can be stir-fried, boiled or roasted, is one nugget of information provided by the Rome-based Food and Agriculture Organisation in a drive to help deal with locust swarms that have landed in Cyprus from Africa.

"Here are a few local recipes from locust-affected countries," a page on the FAO Web site says. "Please send us yours!"

One recipe from a tribe in southern Africa advises grinding roast locust to a fine powder to eat on a journey. "The legs, when dried, are especially relished for their pleasant taste."

"Take several dozen locust adults, preferably females, slit the abdomen lengthwise and stuff a peanut inside," a Cambodian recipe suggested. "Then lightly cook the locusts in a wok or hot frying pan, adding a little oil and salt to taste. Be careful not to overcook or burn them."

Eating locusts has been documented from Biblical times. According to the Christian new testament, John the Baptist survived on locusts and honey when he was in the desert -- even though some question whether it was locusts he actually ate as the Greek name "acridae" can also mean the tips of plants.

The locusts reached eastern Mediterranean countries in early November after the worst infestation recorded in Africa for more than a decade. The FAO website is available at http://wwwfao.org/news/global/locusts/LOCFAQ.htm#q19.

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Sat, Nov 06, 2004

Beijing Man Buys Phone Number for $215,000

BEIJING - A Beijing man has paid $215,000 for the ultimate in lucky cell phone numbers — 133-3333-3333.

The phone number was sold this week at an auction in the Chinese capital, newspapers reported Saturday.

Chinese tradition considers 3 a lucky number and groups of 3's even luckier. Though the number 8 is the luckiest, all Chinese cell phone numbers begin with "13," making it impossible to make a number with all 8's.

The reports by the Beijing Times and Beijing Morning Post didn't identify the buyer. Phone calls to the number on Saturday weren't answered.

Hotels, restaurants and other businesses in China regularly try to obtain phone numbers with groups of 8's. Those that can't wind up settling for groups of other numbers.

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