Subject: Daily Dose - 050112 - shipwrecked, BIZARRE NEWS, Good / Bad, DDL, Rotten News

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally!  I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I lied about the ship!"

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Signs

[Actual signs spotted around the world]  

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago:
Do not activate with wet hands.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

In a cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

***  

He Doesn't Like Being Bull-ied Around

NEW LENOX, Illinois - It was a typical Monday night for Jim Bochenek as he lounged around watching football. Then he decided to go out to the garage to put away the power saw he had used earlier. While outside, he heard something move in the darkness, and thought it was his son trying to startle him.

It wasn't his son, however, but an escaped BULL that charged into the garage after Bochenek.

Bochenek hit the bull with his saw, but the animal was quick to retaliate and rammed Bochenek's left arm. Bochenek fled the garage and scurried along a narrow plank until he landed in a pit. The bull did not follow Bochenek into the hole, choosing instead to run up the driveway and into the street.

Police believe the bull is one of an UNKNOWN number that have escaped from an area rodeo.

***

Their Plan Went to Pot

SACRAMENTO, Calif. - During a visit to a Sears Auto Center, two men tried to negotiate a trade for tires. They offered the employees some marijuana in exchange for a couple of tires.

When the offer was refused by an employee, one of the men swung a baseball bat at him. The worker managed to avoid injury and threw a rock at the suspect's car, breaking a window.

The two men then grabbed two tires and quickly took off. The tire thieves returned an hour later to get revenge on the worker, but they were arrested when other workers recognized them.

***

A Safety Deposit Box Might Be A Better Idea

TOKYO, Japan - A 77-year-old woman was worried about thieves making off with her large fortune - two million yen (19,000 dollars) to be exact, so she decided the best way to keep the cash safe would be to sew it into the sash of her beloved kimono. This plan worked quite well until she forgot about the hidden money and gave the apparel away.

It finally dawned on her when she read a newspaper article about a recycling group discovering the hidden yen in the kimono.

The woman was reunited with her money after proving herself as the rightful owner.

Hey, next time bury it in the backyard and draw a map.

_________________________

Good / Bad

"I got good news and bad news about our son." said Mrs. Smuckler to her husband.

"Give me the bad news first!" said Mr. Smuckler.

"Our boy's become a homosexual!"

"And what's the good news?"

"He's going with a rich doctor!"

__________________________

DDL

There was a young fellow of Wooster
Who'd a red-hot Rhode Island rooster.
But when he grew old,
His rooster grew cold,
And could no longer peck like it useter.

___________________________

-"Why is it," queried the young man, "every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?"

"Because, genius," came the wise retort, "I'm a prostitute."

***

"Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler."
--Anonymous

***

Consult - v. t. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.
--Ambrose Bierce The Devil's Dictionary

***

Diplomacy - n. the patriotic act of lying for one's country.
--Ambrose Bierce The Devil's Dictionary

__________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Stage sex man shocks again

Tue Nov 9,11:23 AM ET 

OSLO (Reuters) - A couple who sparked outrage by having sex on stage in front of thousands of stunned rock concert goers in Norway has shocked again, pulling down his trousers in court.

"Oops, I must have dropped my pants," Tommy Hol Ellingsen, 28, said on Tuesday as he stripped in front of reporters during a break at a local court in Kristiansand, southern Norway.

Hol Ellingsen and Petra Leona Johansson, 22, were in court after refusing to pay a fine of 10,000 crowns (850 pounds) each for copulating on stage during a concert in July.

The two, who are members of an environmental group, said their sex stunt was meant to draw attention to a campaign to save the rain forest. Their attorney argued that they were protected under freedom of expression law.

********

11/5/2004 12:41 PM

Air Force report calls for $7.5M to study psychic teleportation

By Dan Vergano, USA TODAY
Star Trek fans may be happy to hear that the Air Force has paid to study psychic teleportation.

But scientists aren't so thrilled.

The Air Force Research Lab's August "Teleportation Physics Report," posted earlier this week on the Federation of American Scientists (FAS) Web site, struck a raw nerve with physicists and critics of wasteful military spending.

In the report, author Eric Davis says psychic teleportation, moving yourself from location to location through mind powers, is "quite real and can be controlled." The 88-page report also reviews a range of teleportation concepts and experiments:

• Quantum teleportation, a technique demonstrated in the last decade that shifts the characteristics, but not the location, of sub-atomic particles at great distances.

• Wormholes, a highly theoretical possibility whereby the intense gravitational field near black holes could rip open entrances to distant locales.

• Psychokinesis, or psychic teleportation. In support of the idea, the report cites UFO reports, Soviet and Chinese studies of psychics and U.S. military studies of spoon-bending phenomena.

"It is in large part crackpot physics," says physicist Lawrence Krauss of Case Western Reserve University, author of The Physics of Star Trek, a book detailing the physical limits that prevent teleportation. He describes the Air Force report as "some things adapted from reasonable theoretical studies, and other things from nonsensical ones."

Some experts have long criticized what they see as a military sweet tooth for junk science. A "remote viewing" project, for example, undertaken by defense intelligence services and declassified in 1994, sought to see whether psychic powers could be employed to spy on the Soviet Union. The teleportation report "raises questions of scientific quality control at the Air Force," the FAS' Steven Aftergood says.

Davis, a physicist with Warp Drive Metrics of Las Vegas, couldn't be reached for comment. The Air Force paid $25,000 for the report, part of a $20.5 million advanced rocket and missile design contract. The report calls for $7.5 million to conduct psychic teleportation experiments.

Explaining why the lab sponsored the study, AFRL spokesman Ranney Adams said, "If we don't turn over stones, we don't know if we have missed something."

********

Sun, Nov 07, 2004

Austrian Tries to Dig Tunnel to Slovenia

GRAZ, Austria - An Austrian artist has dug into a project so ambitious not even his great-great-great grandchildren — or their great-great-great grandchildren — will see it completed: tunneling from Graz to a city in neighboring Slovenia.

Muhammad Mueller, who together with a friend launched the project Saturday in Graz, 120 miles south of Vienna, said he thinks digging the 42-mile tunnel to the Slovene border city of Gradec will take two people using shovels roughly 5,600 years.

Austrian television called the project "probably the most long-term cultural project ever undertaken."

Mueller, who converted to Islam, said he hoped the project would draw attention to religion, unemployment and other issues.