Subject: Daily Dose - 050111 - HAVING A BAD DAY, THIS is TRUE, practicing law, virgin wool, DDL, Rotten News

HAVING A BAD DAY

Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..."

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark ass naked and asked,

"What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him tenderly behind the ear and says, "This just ain't your day, is it?"

____________________________

THIS is TRUE

PAVING STONES: The District Council in Rother, Sussex, England, was concerned that the markers on graves in two area cemeteries were unsafe -- so it knocked them down. Now, it has added insult to that injury by ruling that the flattened headstones are a tripping hazard. The Council has proposed spending 8,000 pounds (US$14,400) to make them flush with the ground so people can't trip on them. "They were deemed dangerous standing up," said one woman visiting a grave, "and now they're dangerous lying down. Surely that would have been obvious to a village idiot?" (London Telegraph)
...Well no -- hasn't that just been proven?

***

WAILING: The citizens of Wales are furious at the European Union following the publication of its annual statistical report. The report's cover shows a map of the EU countries -- with Wales conspicuously absent. A Eurostat spokesman said the error was "just a design fault" and was "certainly not deliberate." MEP Glenys Kinnock of Wales said her country is "certainly not a part of Europe that gets forgotten," and promised "they will not forget us again." (London Telegraph)
...At least not for the three to five years it takes for their blistered ears to heal.

***

THE HOWLING: Animals at the Dogs Home in Battersea, England, kept getting out of their cages. Not knowing how, the staff set up a video camera. "There are lots of stories about Battersea being haunted," spokeswoman Becky Blackmore explained, "so we wanted to make sure that there was an explanation for what was going on." The resulting footage captured the culprit red-pawed: "Red", an impounded stray, had figured out how to let himself out of his kennel. After escaping, he also released "a group of chosen companions" for an overnight raid on the food storage area. "It is amazing really because lurchers aren't particularly renowned for their intelligence," Blackmore says. (AFP)
...Yes, well, that's what they wanted you to think.

***

CONTAGIOUS: People with health problems should be careful when researching their symptoms on the Internet: what they find might not be accurate. An 18-month study by England's University of Derby found that web sites of health societies, charities and professional associations were generally accurate, while sites put up by individuals were more likely to be inaccurate. Still, people don't discriminate well enough between the two, with predictable results. "The health profession has coined the phrase 'cyberchondria' for people using the Internet for self diagnosis," said research leader Dr Neil Coulson. (AFP)
...Any readers who think they have cyberchondria are advised to consult Google to help confirm it.

***

AUDE SAPERE: "Believe Me, Father, the Latin for Hot Pants is Brevissimae Bracae"
-- London Telegraph headline

__________________________

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

_________________________

Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman.

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's Bargain Store downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."

"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"

__________________________

DDL

There is a young lass of Valencia,
For whom sex is a form of dementia.
For the first hour she's quiet,
Then she builds to a riot,
With a noise that grows quickly intensia.

__________________________

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
--George Burns  

***

Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in.
--Casey Stengel

***

I'm Glad I'm a Woman Poem

I'm glad I'm a woman - Yes I am, yes I am..
I don't live on Budweiser,  beer, nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before asking directions.

I act nice at parties; don't act like a clown;
And I know how to put the damn toilet seat down.
I won't grab your boobies; I won't pinch your butt.
My belt is not hidden beneath my beer gut.

I don't go around re-adjusting my crotch;
or make sure my headboard bears each hard-earned notch.
I don't belch in public; don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman, you see - I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman; So glad I could sing-
and thrilled I'm not covered in shag carpeting.
Hair won't grow from my ears, Or cover my back.
And when I bend over, you can't see my crack.

I'm a woman, alas - and I'm proud, don't you see?
I'm blessed to have two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live for golf, or shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I don't need male bonding; I don't cruise for chicks-
I'll never join the "Hair Club", or think with my dick.
I'm a woman, by chance And thankful I am!
I'm so glad I'm a woman; not a man, yes I am!

____________________________

Rotten News...  (True)

November 14, 2004 

Brine-pumping operation may have caused quake this month on Colo.-Utah border

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. (AP) - A federal facility that pumps salty water almost 4,300 metres into the Earth's crust probably is associated with a magnitude-3.9 earthquake that struck the Utah-Colorado border this month, an official said.

The U.S. Bureau of Reclamation facility removes salt from the Dolores River, then pumps 870 litres of brine per minute into deep wells in Utah's Paradox Valley Area.

The process is intended to decrease the salt content of the Colorado River downstream, but scientists say it also lubricates faults.

The facility has caused thousands of earthquakes in the area since 1991, but most have been too small for residents to feel. The 3.9-magnitude quake, which struck Nov. 6, was felt in Grand Junction, some 100 kilometres away. No damage was reported.

"We have a seismic network set up for measuring and recording any events associated with the injection process, and it appears this earthquake was one probably associated with that process," said Andy Nichols, manager of the federal facility. "Every once in a while there's a large event felt at the surface, and this was one of those events."

The last large earthquake occurred in May 2000 and registered 4.3.

That event, combined with two significant tremors in 1999, led government officials to reduce the amount of brine injected by a third.

********

U.S. channel apologises for Arafat interruption

Fri Nov 12, 5:20 AM ET 

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The CBS television network has apologised to viewers for interrupting the last five minutes of a hit detective drama with a special report on the death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

The broadcaster said news of Arafat's death did not warrant preemption of the detective series "CSI: NY", which averages 16.7 million viewers a week and ranks number 8 in audience size among all shows in prime time.

"An overly aggressive CBS News producer jumped the gun with a report that should have been offered to local stations for their late news. We sincerely regret the error," the network said in a statement on Thursday.

A network insider said the fact that Arafat had already been reported gravely ill and near death for several days was a factor in the network's judgment that it had erred.

Another option for CBS would have been to run a "crawl" at the bottom of the screen with news of Arafat's death.

The preemption of "CSI: NY" prompted grumbles from viewers and a number of CBS affiliates.

CBS, owned by Viacom, said it has scheduled a repeat of the episode for Friday so viewers who missed the ending could see the entire broadcast.

*********

Norwegian Mistakenly Burns Cash for Heat

Thu Nov 11, 6:16 AM ET

OSLO, Norway - A Norwegian who felt a bit chilly after a night on the town and decided to stoke his fireplace didn't really have money to burn. It just turned out that way.

What he realized too late was that the paper he used to start the blaze was a stack of bills, worth about 15,000 kroner (US$2,400; euro1,830), the regional newspaper Avisa Nordland reported Thursday.

"I came home late at night after a party, and wanted a beer before I went to bed," he told the newspaper. "It was cold in the living room, but there was a glow in the wood stove."

So the man, identified only as being his 50s, grabbed a handful of paper next to the stove and tossed it in.

"I discovered too late that the envelope of money had fallen onto the floor with the kindling paper," he said. He said the cash had been payment for an artwork he had sold earlier in the day.

Had there been anything left of the bills, he might have been able to exchange some of it for undamaged bills at the state Bank of Norway, but the wood stove was too efficient.

The man, who lives on the Arctic Lofoten Islands of northwestern Norway, told the newspaper his tale of woe on the condition that it did not publish his name.