Subject:
Daily Dose - 050104 - Hole, THIS is TRUE, Practicing, DDL, Rotten News
Hole
Two privates stationed at Fort
Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While
digging they got into an argument about what they were burying.
"This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this
here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until
the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this
mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys,
this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander
came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an
asshole."
_____________________________
THIS is TRUE.....
DEPENDS ON WHAT THE DEFINITION OF
"IS" IS: Seattle, Wash., public defense lawyer Theresa Olson, 45,
says she did not have sex with a client who was on trial for murder when she
visited him in jail. It was, she says, merely "a hug gone bad." But
after two jailers gave "sexually explicit" testimony as to what they
saw, a State Bar hearing examiner found her guilty of having "sexual
relations" with the man, who has since been convicted of three counts of
murder, but cleared her of "sexual intercourse" with him. The Bar
suspended her law license for two years. The punishment was stiff, a Bar
spokesman said, because her actions gave all lawyers a "well-publicized
black eye." (Seattle Times)
...Which is to be contrasted with the black eye they got for nitpicking the
definition of "sex".
***
ZT IN REAL LIFE, AIRPORT DIVISION:
The U.S. Transportation Security Administration says it probably won't
prosecute school teacher Kathryn Harrington, 52, of Laurel, Md. She was passing
through security at Tampa (Fla.) International Airport when agents pulled her
aside for carrying a weapon: a leather strap with tiny metal weights in each
end. "It was a bookmark," Harrington says. "It's not a weapon. I
could not understand why I was being handcuffed and put into a police car."
She notes she has carried the bookmark through airport security several times
without incident, but won't again. (St. Petersburg Times)
...Of course screeners couldn't recognize it as a bookmark: few of them have
ever read a book.
***
PRACTICING WHAT HE PREACHES: After
witnessing a driver throwing a beer can out his window, a motorist called the
police to report it, adding the vehicle "looks like one of your police
cars." Sure enough, the driver was Port Washington (Wisc.) Police Chief Ed
Rudolph, 63, and the car was his unmarked cruiser. Rudolph told sheriff's
investigators he "may have drank a beer" and "may have"
thrown the empty 24-ounce can out his window. The chief was cited for littering
and suspended pending further investigation. Rudolph also took a leave of
absence from his teaching position at the Milwaukee Area Technical College,
where for 15 years he has taught a class on "responsible alcoholic
beverage service" to bartenders. (Milwaukee Journal Sentinel)
...It's always best to be taught by a certified expert.
***
HARDLY HEROIC: High school teacher
Trent Spencer, 27, of Edmond, Okla., was having marital problems, police say,
and tried to impress his wife so she wouldn't leave him. They allege he paid
two of his students $100 each to pose as robbers. After they broke into his
home and tied up his wife, Spencer jumped out and engaged them in a
"choreographed fight". It was well planned indeed: he hit one of the
students over the head with a board sawn most of the way through so it would
break on impact. The ruse was spoiled, however, when something unplanned
happened: his wife managed to get out of her ropes and called police, who
unraveled the plot. "It was the most bizarre hoax we've ever had," a
police spokeswoman said. "It's sad because he was so desperate."
(Reuters)
...And nothing impresses a woman more than desperation.
***
NOW THAT'S LIVING: "[Martha]
Stewart's Recipe: Stir for Five Months"
-- Portland (Maine) Press Herald headline
__________________________
Practicing
A wife is sitting in the living room
watching TV, when all of a sudden she hears her husband in the bedroom,
swearing up a storm. He is using every bad word in the book. The wife runs into
the bedroom to see what is going on. She finds her husband just sitting on the
bed. She asks her husband, "honey, what happened? Did you fall down and
get hurt or something?"
The husband looks up and replies,
"no, I'm fine. I'm just practicing."
The wife gets a real confused look
on her face, and said, "practicing? Practicing for what?"
Then the husband says, "golf
season starts tomorrow!"
_____________________________
DDL
A desperate young lass from
Vancouver
Liposuctioned her ass with a Hoover.
The massive reduction
Achieved by the suction,
Was generally thought to improve 'er.
_____________________________
"If you're being chased by a
police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then
jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that."
--Milton Jones
***
"I was walking the streets of
Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: 'This door is alarmed.' I said to
myself: 'How do you think I feel?'"
--Arnold Brown
***
"I realised I was dyslexic when
I went to a toga party dressed as a goat."
--Marcus Brigstocke
____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Sun, Nov 21, 2004
Iranian's 3 wives attempt suicide
after shopping row
TEHRAN (Reuters) - All three wives
of a 67-year-old Iranian man have taken overdoses in an unsuccessful triple
suicide attempt after the youngest wife bought an expensive pair of boots, a
news agency has reported.
"My two other wives were very
jealous after my 27-year-old wife bought a pair of boots for $450," the
husband was quoted as saying by the ISNA student news agency on Sunday.
"After they had an argument
about the price, they all attempted suicide together," he added.
All three women, now in stable
condition in hospital, have separate apartments and cars.
Men in Iran, where Islamic law has
been in force since 1979, can marry up to four wives, although polygamy is
fairly rare.
*******
Taxi Driver Shoots Man in Bin Laden
Mask
Tue Dec 14, 6:46 PM ET
SAN JOSE, Costa Rica - Osama bin
Laden take note: You wouldn't be safe in Costa Rica. A startled taxi driver
shot and wounded a jokester wearing a plastic mask of the al-Qaida leader,
police said Tuesday.
Leonel Arias, 47, told police he was
playing a practical joke by donning the Bin Laden mask, toting his pellet rifle
and jumping out to scare drivers on a narrow street in his hometown, Carrizal
de Alajuela, about 20 miles north of San Jose.
Arias had startled several drivers
that way on Monday afternoon. But when he jumped out in front of taxi driver
Juan Pablo Sandoval, the motorist reached for a gun and shot him twice in the
stomach. He was hospitalized in stable condition.
"For me and I think for anybody
else at a time like that one thinks the worst and so I fired my gun,"
Sandoval told Channel 7 television.
Police declined to detain Sandoval,
saying he had believed he was acting in self-defense
********
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Florida woman's sex toy lawsuit
against Delta goes to appeals
By DOUG GROSS
Associated Press Writer ATLANTA
Renee Koutsouradis of Tarpon
Springs, Fla., was on a Delta Air Lines jet awaiting takeoff from Dallas when
her name was called over the loudspeaker and she was pulled from the plane.
Something was buzzing in her
luggage.
When taken to the taxiway, she told
a Delta security agent that the buzzing was likely coming from a sex toy she
and her husband had just bought during their trip to Las Vegas.
Koutsouradis, 38, says she was then
ordered to remove the toy, hold it up and remove its batteries, all in full
view of some other passengers on her flight. She claims a baggage handler then
licked his lips and made sexually inappropriate comments as other Delta
employees laughed.
The 11th U.S. Circuit Court of
Appeals will hear arguments Friday in the appeal of a Florida federal judge's
dismissal of a lawsuit Koutsouradis filed against Delta over the February 2002
incident. Koutsouradi argues that the Atlanta-based airline's employees
publicly humiliated her as she waited for her flight from Dallas to Tampa, Fla.
The lawsuit says Koutsouradis has
suffered nightmares and panic attacks and has been treated for post-traumatic
stress disorder because of the incident. It says she was most disturbed by the
"offensive and outrageous" comments made by the Delta baggage handler
about her sex life.
"She felt that in order for
this to not happen to someone else she was going to have to stand up to the
airline," said Craig Berman, Koutsouradis's attorney from St. Petersburg,
Fla. "She is facing further embarrassment to correct wrongdoing."
Koutsouradis is seeking unspecified
damages from Delta. Because it's in federal court, any jury award would be at
least $75,000, Berman said.
Last October, the case was heard in
U.S. District Court in Florida. But before it was sent to the jury, the judge
dismissed it, saying federal aviation laws protect airline workers from
lawsuits while they are performing their jobs.
Koutsouradis' attorneys say the law
should not have applied to this case.
"Obviously, making sexual
comments is not an airline service," Berman said. "You can handle
bags without offering a sexual service."
Attorneys for Delta referred
questions to the airline's public relations department. Delta spokesman Anthony
Black said the company does not comment on pending litigation.
No Fattys