Subject: Daily Dose - 050103 - sacred words, BIZARRE NEWS, hearing aid, DDL, Rotten News

A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.

"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there.

A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'."

He said, "I love you."

I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny."

He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny."

"So I slapped him."

The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre High School Nicknames

Poca Dots (Poca, WS)  

Cairo Syrupmakers (Cairo, GA)  

Frankfort Hot Dogs (Frankfort, IN)  

Brown Scoopers (Sturgis, SD)  

Cobden Appleknockers (Cobden, IL)  

Freeport Pretzels (Freeport, IL)  

Devil's Lake Satans (Devil's Lake, ND)  

Speedway Sparkplugs (Speedway, IN)  

Mesquite Skeeters (Mesquite, TX)  

Maryville Spoofhounds (Maryville, MO)  

Teutopolis Wooden Shoes (Teutopolis, IL)  

Dunn Earwigs (Dunn, CA)  

West Plaines Zizzers (West Plaines, MO)  

Yuma Criminals (Yuma, AZ)  

Pleasant Hill Billies (Pleasant Hill, OR)  

***  

If This Car's A-Rockin'...

BUENOS AIRES - Remember when you used to drive to a secluded spot with your significant other for a little "alone time"? Well, a couple decided to park their car on a cliff for a session of back seat loving. Everything was going well until their passionate rendezvous caused the car to go off the cliff and plunge 300 yards into a ravine.

According to police, the couple had no serious injuries besides their bruised egos. The man walked away from the car unharmed, but his lady-friend needed to be pried from the wreck.

Hey, next time get a room.

***

Is That Cocaine On Your Shirt?

HONG KONG - There is definite truth to the statement, "Drugs make you dumber."  And now to demonstrate the validity of this phrase, may I introduce you to Ho Heng-chau.

Ho was appearing in court on drug charges sporting a T-shirt that had the word "cocaine" on the front.  He plead guilty to possession of three ecstasy pills and while his lawyer was arguing for an amiable his shirt caught the eye of the magistrate.

"Do you know you're appearing in court?" Magistrate Ernest Lin was quoted as saying. "What are you doing wearing a 'cocaine' T-shirt? You might as well carry a sign that says 'I'm a drug head.'"

Ho was fined $510 and received another lecture courtesy of Magistrate Lin.

Hey, Ho, if you happen to kill someone wear that "Guns Don't Kill People..." shirt to the trial, moron.

***

There's No Place Like Someone Else's Home

DOUGLASVILLE, Ga. - Well, I guess home is where the heart is, no matter whose home it is.

A 53-year-old woman was arrested for taking over a family's house while they were on vacation.

Police said Beverly Valentine removed all the Mitchell family's furniture, moved her own in; changed pictures on the wall, repainted a room, and even had the electric bill changed to her name.

"Now we have portraits on the wall that we didn't have before. And we've got all kinds of new appliances," Beverly Mitchell told WSB-TV, Atlanta.

Sheriff's deputies found Valentine in a bathroom and charged her with burglary. Police said Valentine told them she used a shovel to break into the house.

Valentine reportedly did not know the people who live in the house, leaving authorities at a loss as to why this particular house was chosen.

***

Emergency Call Arouses Police Concern

DURHAM, England - What is with these couples giving themselves unwanted attention while in the throes of passion? First, it was the pair who sent their car over a cliff. Now, two British lovers alerted emergency officials when they rolled onto their phone and unknowingly dialed police.

All Durham emergency officials on the other end of the line could hear was a woman who sounded distressed and a man's voice in the background. So police traced the call and rushed to the home -- where they found the disheveled couple, obviously not in any trouble.

They had rolled on top of the phone, which was on the floor, and accidentally dialed the nine button three times, which is the equivalent of dialing 911.

"They were rather surprised and not a little flustered to find uniformed police on the doorstep," a police spokesman said.

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Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

_________________________

DDL

An insufferable writer named Wise,
was finally cut down to size.
When his peers had enough,
and were sick of his guff,
they gave him the "Phew"litzer prize.

_________________________

A women's prayer....  

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him: and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death! Amen!

***  

My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"

***  

I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

_________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Mon, Nov 22, 2004

Restaurant stick-up comes unstuck

SYDNEY (Reuters) - Bemused diners watched as three hapless thieves unsuccessfully tried to kick open a sliding door in a botched attempt to rob an Australian seafood restaurant, police say.

The men, wearing balaclavas, ran off empty-handed but left their bootprints on the industrial-strength glass door in a robbery bid that Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio said could have been mistaken as "a rehearsal for a slapstick comedy".

Police said about 20 diners watched as the men, one of whom was carrying a knife, tried to push open the door of the restaurant in the coastal village of Gerringong, 140 km (85 miles) south of Sydney, and then began kicking the glass.

"They're probably more dangerous because they're dumb," police investigator Jamie Williams said on Monday.

Restaurant owner Greg Moore said diners remained calm as they watched events unfold while enjoying dessert and coffee.

"The door's open, the sign says 'Slide' but obviously with their balaclavas they couldn't read too well," Moore said.

*********

Text message flirt fined in Italy

Mon Nov 22, 1:42 PM ET 

ROME (Reuters) - Italians love their mobile phones and often carry out love affairs over them -- but they must beware, flirting with text messages can carry a fine.

A judge in the northern Italian town of Padua on Monday found a man who sent an unsolicited compliment by SMS guilty of harassment and fined him 300 euros, Italian news agency Ansa reported.

"Since you appeared before my eyes I can't do anything but think of you," the man had written to a clerk while on lunch break, Ansa said. She took the offending sms to the police.

Italians own more mobile phones and send more text messages per person than any other European country, according to Eurostat and Censis surveys.

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Mon, Nov 22, 2004

Wedding snaps earn Saudi guest a beating

Sun Nov 21, 9:06 AM ET 

RIYADH (Reuters) - A furious Saudi bride has beaten up a woman who photographed her with a mobile phone camera at her wedding party, a local newspaper reports.

The bride "beat up the woman, completely destroyed her phone and pulled her by the hair in front of a big crowd of guests" for taking pictures in the women-only section of the wedding at Taif, in western Saudi Arabia, Al-Jazirah daily said on Sunday.

The bride was applauded by guests for her "vigilance", the paper added. Women and men are usually segregated at wedding parties in the deeply conservative Muslim country, allowing women to remove their veils without being seen by men.

Saudi Arabia has officially banned mobile phones with cameras but they are widely used in the Gulf state and several ministries have appealed to the government to repeal the ban.