Subject: Daily Dose - 040530 - GETTING EVEN, ODD SONG TITLES & LINES, DARWIN AWARD, DDL, Rotten News

GETTING EVEN

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, [the complainer] said OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. And he reminded the vet that it was his wife that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye.

He calls my husband El-Cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

Now, that's getting even!

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Some more great ODD SONG TITLES & LINES 

All The Girls Look Prettier at Closing Time

C'mon Down off the Stove, Granny, You're Too Old to Ride the Range

Don't Run Through The Screen Door Honey You'll Only Strain Yourself

Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the Goal posts of Life.

Forget the Night, Help Me Make It Through the Door

Get Out The Meatballs Mama. We're Coming To A Fork In The Road

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

If Money Talks, It Ain't On Speaking Terms With Me

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife

I Just Couldn't Leave Her Behind Alone

I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It's Love

I Kissed Her on the Lips, And Left Her Behind for You

I'll Never Get Over You So Turn Off The Alarm It's On Your Side Of The Bed

I'm Gonna Build Me a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink

I'm Sorry I Made You Cry, But At Least Your Face Is Cleaner

I Only Have Eyes For You, But Look What I've Got For Your Sister

I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I Thought the Acropolis Was a Ruin Until I Saw You

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back

Now I lay Me Down To Cheat

Peekin' Through the Knothole In Grandma's Wooden Leg

Put On the Soup Ma, Dad's Rakin' the Back Yard With His False Teeth

Run to the Roundhouse, Sally, They Can't Corner You There

She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft

Since You Bought The Waterbed We've Slowly Drifted Apart

Take Me To The Quarry And I'll Get A Little Bolder

The Pilot Light has Gone Out on Our Oven of Love (John Gorka)

We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over

When We Were Down to Nothin' (Nothin' Sure Looked Good on You)

You Can Lead a Horticulture, But You Cain't Make 'er Think

You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play

You Done Me Wrong, But Keep On Doing It 'Til You Do It Right

You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

Your Wife's Been Cheatin' On Us Again

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DARWIN AWARD

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez Managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much To his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on The machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in The mechanism.

Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, Collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of The ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his Testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.

Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked From him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle Was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop,and was using to balance himself.

Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

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DDL

An ex-teenage delinquent, Corine,
Is well paid for the tricks she takes in.
Now she owns her own plane
And a villa in Spain,
All procured with the wages of sin.

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"Mom and I went and saw 'The Passion'. This is the third time Mom and I have seen it. We've seen it so many times that we're now able to pick out production mistakes. Like one we noticed last night. At the scene of the Last Supper, on the table there's a bottle of Heinz Ketchup. That's not right."
--David Letterman  

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A report says high school students aren't very good with American history. It's pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address was ALincoln@gettysburg.com..."

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It was 18 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that, drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio.

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Rotten News....  (true)

Woman Finds Small Tree Frog in Spinach   
Tue Mar 30, 5:44 PM ET

KALISPELL, Mont. - A busy mom was making a green salad when she unexpectedly came across some protein — live protein.

Laurie Kollman was tearing up triple-washed spinach Sunday night when her 11-year-old daughter Ashley saw something moving. It was a small tree frog.

"All last week I'd been pulling out handfuls of spinach," said Kollman, who said she'd used the spinach in three earlier salads. "Then last night I was making salad for today's lunch and found it."

Kollman uncovered the tiny, lethargic frog and made it a home in a plastic tub, with spinach to eat.

"Mom, it's 'Fear Factor,'" Ashley said in reference to the TV show where people earn prize money by eating all manner of things.

Kollman said the frog perked up after it was freed from the fridge and she took it to school Monday to show to her 20 third-grade students at St. Matthew's School.

The students quickly named it Popeye.

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Britain: Chicken-Equipped Nuke Not a Hoax
Thu Apr 1,10:50 AM ET
By MICHAEL McDONOUGH, Associated Press Writer

LONDON - A claim that Britain considered using live chickens in a nuclear weapon aroused skepticism Thursday, but officials insisted it was not an April Fool's hoax.

"It's a genuine story," said Robert Smith, head of press and publicity at The National Archives.

The archives released a secret 1957 Ministry of Defense report showing that scientists contemplated putting chickens in the casing of a plutonium land mine.

The chickens' body heat was considered a possible means of preventing the mine's mechanism from freezing. Listing ways of extending the armed life of the land mine, the declassified document proposed "incorporating some form of heating independent of power supplies under the weapon hull in the emplacement. Chickens, with a heat output of the order of 1,000 BTU (British Thermal Units) per bird per day are a possibility."

The seven-ton device, code named "Blue Peacock," would have been detonated from a distance or by timer in the event of a retreat from invading Soviet troops, to prevent them from occupying the area.

Andy Oppenheimer, co-editor of Jane's World Armies, said he found the idea of using chickens hard to believe.

"I have a feeling that it's an April Fool," he said in a phone interview. He said wrapping the device in fiberglass to keep it warm would have been a better option.

Some newspapers also expressed skepticism.

"Is today the day to reveal the chicken-powered nuke?" The Times of London wrote, referring to the April 1 date. Nonetheless, The Times put it on page one.

Tom O'Leary, head of education and interpretation at the National Archives, said he had no doubt that the document was authentic.

"None whatsoever," he said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "It's not the kind of thing the civil service does, to set up an April Fool's joke. It's purely a suggestion in an official document that that is a possibility that was proposed," he said, and there was no indication that the feasibility was ever tested.

The "Blue Peacock" project began in 1954 and was aimed at preventing enemy occupation of territory due to nuclear contamination. Designs were based on Britain's "Blue Danube" free-fall bomb, which consisted of a plutonium core surrounded by a sphere of high explosive with detonators spread across the surface.

Details of the chicken proposal feature in an April 2-Oct. 30 exhibition entitled "The Secret State" at the National Archives in Kew, west London.

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Sat, Feb 28, 2004
Italy town sets down pet-pampering laws  

ROME (Reuters) - Pet owners in a central Italian town must pamper their dogs, cats and birds and even show mercy to supper-time lobsters or face fines as high as 500 euros.

According to a new bill regulating the treatment of animals that will be implemented next week in the wealthy town of Reggio Emilia, canary owners will have to buy a significant other for their bird, who otherwise might suffer from loneliness.

Dog owners will have to provide sufficiently spacious dog houses in shady, sheltered locations and pet owners of all stripes will be prohibited from dyeing the fur of their animals.

The rules, spelled out in 39 different articles, also make it illegal to throw live lobsters in boiling water.

"It's a useless torture, they should be killed first," a spokeswoman for the town said on Saturday.

Fines for breaking the rules run from 25 to 495 euros.

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WORLDS FIRST100% CHOCOLATE BRA GOES ON SALE

World's first 100% chocolate bra goes on sale

The world's first bra made completely of chocolate has gone on sale in Austria. Designer Reinlinde Trummer is behind the bras which sell for about £100 each. She says they are proving incredibly popular and she can't make them fast enough. Trummer, from Graz, said: "I receive dozens of orders from stores for the chocolate bras each week, but because of the time it takes to make them I can't keep up."

The edible bras are made from special chocolate which does not melt so they don't let the owners down at the wrong moment. Each bra takes three weeks to make. It only takes two days to manufacture them with the rest of the time needed for drying and hardening. Each one needs at least two kilos of chocolate which is mixed with spices like pepper, chilli and whisky - for that extra bite.

The bra can withstand much higher than average temperatures and Trummer said: "Most people buy the bras to keep or give as presents. "Many of the bras we have sold have been for wedding presents - which is sure to give a sweet start to the honeymoon."