Subject: Daily Dose - 040529 - Larry's bar, BON APPETIT, SEE HOW OBSERVANT
YOU REALLY ARE, all-in-one, DDL, Rotten News
A man goes to a shrink and says,
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's
bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going
crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor,
"take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's
bar?"
___________________________
BON APPETIT
Top Doc Backs Picking Your Nose And
Eating It
Picking your nose and eating it is
one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor.
Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof
Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers
were healthy, happier and probably better in tune with their bodies.
He says society should adopt a new
approach to nose-picking and encourage children to take it up.
Dr Bischinger said: "With the
finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping
your nose far cleaner.
"And eating the dry remains of
what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system.
"Medically it makes great sense
and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose
is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this
mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine.
"Modern medicine is constantly
trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who
pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for
free."
He pointed out that children happily
pick their noses, yet by the time they have become adults they have stopped
under pressure from a society that has branded it disgusting and anti social.
He said: "I would recommend a
new approach where children are encouraged to pick their nose. It is a
completely natural response and medically a good idea as well."
And he pointed out that if anyone
was really worried about what their neighbour was thinking, they could still
enjoy picking their nose in private if they still wanted to get the benefits it
offered.
____________________________
LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU
REALLY ARE.
There are 20 questions about things
we see every day. How many can you get right? These little simple
questions are harder than you think--it just shows you how little we pay
attention to the common place things of life. Put your thinking caps on.
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
3. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
4. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
5. How many matches are in a standard pack?
6. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
7. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
8. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
9. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
10. Whose face is on a dime?
11. How many sides does a stop sign have?
12. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
13. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
14. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
15. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc: Who's missing?
16. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
17. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
18. There are 12 buttons on a touch-tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
19. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
20. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
Don't look at answers below until
you finish all the questions!
* * *
Answers * * *
1. Bottom
2. Right
3. 1, 0
4. Right
5. 20
6. Red
7. Counter (north of the equator)
8. Towards bottom right
9. Left
10. Roosevelt
11. 8
12. Left
13. 5
14. 6
15. Bashful
16. Ace of spades
17. ONE
18. *, #
19. 3
20. Counter
__________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I
asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he
replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
___________________________
DDL
A bore asked in brief conversation
If I believed in reincarnation.
I said, "Yes! You of course
Were the front end of a horse;
Your presence is pure confirmation!"
___________________________
"Hallmark is coming out with a new card for guys who forget Valentine's
Day. The card is small and gold and maxes out at ten grand."
-- Craig Kilborn
___________________________
"Jesse Ventura is proof that
Minnesota voters are not just social drinkers"
-Louis Black
___________________________
"A woman once said that a man
is like a deck of cards ... you need: A Heart to love him, A Diamond to marry
him, A Club to smash his fucking head in, and A Spade to bury the bastard"
-----Sally Gray
____________________________
Rotten News..... (true)
Wed, Mar 03, 2004
Man Sells Garage Sale Painting for $1M
NEW YORK - A man who paid $5 for a
19th-century painting he bought at a garage sale has sold it to a museum for $1
million, an art publication reported.
The unidentified 29-year-old actor
found Joseph Decker's "Ripening Pears" wrapped in a blanket at a Los
Angeles garage sale three years ago, the report in ARTnewsletter said.
The woman who sold him the painting
said it had been sitting in her garage for more than 60 years, the publication
said. Decker painted it around 1884 or 1885.
The National Gallery of Art in
Washington, D.C., bought the painting in February for $1 million, said Meredith
E. Ward, who served as the man's broker.
The painting hung on the man's
kitchen wall for two years before he decided to do an Internet search on
Decker, according to ARTnewsletter.
Once he realized Decker's fame, the
man e-mailed a digital photo of the picture to the Manhattan-based Richard York
Gallery, which specializes in 19th- and 20th-century American art.
"I looked at the e-mail, and I
said, 'It's too good to be true," said Ward, executive vice president of
the gallery.
*********
March 1, 2004
Local councillor caught speeding
four times in one day; amasses 11 points
WESTON-SUPER-MARE, England (AP) - A
local council member caught speeding four times on the same day on the same
stretch of road urged colleagues Monday to make its road signs clearer.
Bob Bateman, a Labour Party
councillor on the North Somerset District Council in southwest England,
collected 11 penalty points on his driver's licence and the equivalent of $616
Cdn in fines after breaking the speed limit of about 50 kilometres an hour four
times in two hours.
One more point in the next three
years, and he would lose his licence.
Bateman was repeatedly caught by a
mobile speed camera on Winterstoke Road in the coastal resort of
Weston-super-Mare as he delivered leaflets to party members.
The speed limit on that stretch of
road previously had been about 65 km-h and signs showing the new, lower limit
were insufficient, Batemen protested.
"I was furious," he said
at a council meeting. "I went from having zero points to 11 points in one
day."
*********
Naughty nursery rhymes show tabloid
tattle not new
Mon Mar 1, 5:45 AM ET
By Sophie Walker
LONDON (Reuters) - Bed-hopping
royals, religious hatred, teenage sex, obesity warnings - tabloid headlines?
No, Britain's favourite nursery rhymes.
Parents may throw up their hands in
horror but a new book says that playground ditties are drenched in sex, death
and violence and prove that many 21st century concerns have been around for a
long time.
"Some were clearly adult rhymes
which were sung to children because they were the only rhymes an adult knew.
Others were deliberately created as a simple way to tell children a story or
give them information," Chris Roberts, author of "Heavy Words Lightly
Thrown" told Reuters.
"Religion, sex, money and
social issues are all common themes and although there is a tendency to look at
history through the concerns of the present it was something I was led to
rather than sought to do," Roberts said.
As an example, one of Britain's most
popular nursery rhymes, "Jack and Jill went up the Hill" is according
to Roberts the tale of two young people losing their virginity, Jill possibly
becoming pregnant and the regrets that come later.
"The interesting bit is that,
having successfully 'lost his crown', it's Jack who runs off rapidly, probably
to tell his mates what happened," Roberts said.
In an alternative second verse the
sexual association of the rhyme becomes even more blatant, Roberts added.
Instead of his head, Jack has a different part of his anatomy patched up with
vinegar and brown paper.
Although some nursery rhymes appear
to have their origins in the Middle Ages, their golden age was the period
between the Tudor monarchs and the Stuarts.
This was Britain's formative age,
says Roberts, as it covered among many other things the Act of Union, which
brought together Scotland and England, the Civil War and the growth of Empire
and trading. The Book of Common Prayer and the King James Bible were published
in English rather than Latin and caused even deeper rifts between Protestants
and Catholics.
"These were heady topics to
cope with, so why not keep it short and tell it in rhyme?" Roberts said.
His book grew from research for a
series of walking tours around London. Some rhymes like Oranges and Lemons -- a
guide to the City of London which also doubles as a saucy wedding song --
cropped up obviously. In other cases geographical research revealed social
history such as the fact that prostitutes in the Southwark area of London
(where licensed brothels existed) were called 'geese'.
Thus the rhyme "Goosie, goosie
gander/Where do you wander?/Upstairs and downstairs/and in my lady's
chamber" can be read as alluding to the spread of venereal disease --
known as 'goose bumps' because of the swelling. It also tackles a row between
King Henry VIII and the Catholic church, which owned the land upon which the
brothels were operating and profited hugely.
From "Mary, Mary quite
contrary" and its references to the 'cockles' (cuckolds) believed to be in
the promiscuous court of Mary, Queen of Scots to "The Grand Old Duke of
York" -- about a former Duke's inept military strategy against the French
-- sly digs at princes and popes alike were commonplace, Roberts's book
reveals.
"Georgy Porgy pudding and
pie/Kissed the girls and made them cry" has been interpreted as gossip
about a supposedly gay courtier George Villiers, Duke of Buckingham 1592-1628,
but more likely was a warning to young men that overeating puts the ladies off.
Increased freedom of speech,
literacy and communication, eventually did away with the need for allegorical
rhymes. Then came the Victorians, who viewed childhood as an innocent state
where 'adult sights' should be hidden.
"During the 19th century the
rhymes were increasingly written up, illustrated and sold as collections for
children. They became more accessible, but also less potent," said
Roberts.
Many of today's children's songs are
deliberately composed as such, making the roots of the next generation's
nursery rhymes more anodyne. However, the need for "tribal chanting"
as Roberts puts it, is still present, and most obvious in football songs, which
he suggests could be tomorrow's lullabies.
"They are about the only thing
that are 'composed' anonymously and known and sung by thousands of
people," he said.
"Pop songs still occasionally
eulogise celebrities and make social comments but their authorship is known
whereas football songs are, in a sense, true folk songs belonging to a tribe of
people rather than an individual," Roberts added.
"Words change their meaning and
associations alter over time so if the person singing the song doesn't know the
real (or even perceived) meaning of the song it can be fitted to other
uses," he said.
"I do know fathers who croon
football songs, that are after all rarely complex tunes, to help their children
sleep."
**********
TAKE-OUT LUNCH SURPRISE IN SINGAPORE
An office worker in in Central Business District of Singapore, had just
returned from purchasing a lunch packet from a nearby food center to eat back
in the comfort of her office.
But what she had never expected was
an "value-added side dish" that came along with it. A well-curried
mouse on an omlette bed!
