Subject: Daily Dose - 040525 - named your son, Hey Martha, employee form, DDL, Rotten News

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."

________________________

Hey Martha...  (weird news)

April 23, 2004 

Utah couple on low-carb kick booted from buffet for scarfing too much meat

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) - A Utah couple on a low-carb diet were kicked out of a buffet restaurant after the manager said they'd eaten too much roast beef.

Sui Amaama, who along with his wife have been on the Atkins Diet for two weeks, was asked to leave after he went up to the buffet at the Chuck-A-Rama in suburban Taylorsville for his 12th slice of roast beef.

"It's so embarrassing actually," said Isabelle Leota, Amaama's wife.

"We went in to have dinner, we were under the impression Chuck-A-Rama was an all-you-can-eat establishment."

Not so, said Jack Johanson, the restaurant chain's district manager.

"We've never claimed to be an all-you-can-eat establishment," said Johanson.

"Our understanding is a buffet is just a style of eating."

The general manager who was carving the meat Tuesday became concerned about having enough for other patrons and asked Amaama to stop, Johanson said.

Offended, the couple asked for a refund. The manager refused and called police when they would not leave.

The couple said they have eaten at Chuck-A-Rama's $8.99 buffet at least twice a week but do not plan to return.

********

Mon, January 26, 2004

Newfoundland man pulls out marijuana during police traffic stop

CANNING'S COVE, Nfld. (CP) - Oops.

A Newfoundland man is facing a drug charge following a routine traffic stop on Saturday night. RCMP pulled over a vehicle driving with a burned-out headlight and noticed the smell of alcohol when they approached the vehicle. Asked about the smell, the 51-year-old driver insisted he had not been drinking due to medications he was taking. As apparent proof, the driver pulled out two pill cases from his jacket pocket.

Unfortunately for him, one of the pill cases contained four grams of marijuana.

The drugs were seized and the driver has been charged with possession of marijuana as well as the traffic violation.

______________________________

The day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to the section that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.  

I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'

_______________________________

DDL

A fairy named Wind said, "I could,
If healthy, give pleasure - and would!
But, alas, a disease
Cramps my yearning to please,
Since an ill Wind blows nobody good."

_______________________________

I'm calling the boss in the morning to tell him I am suffering from Anal Glaucoma.

When he asks what the hell Anal Glaucoma is, I'll say, 'It means I don't see my ass coming in today!'"

_______________________________

''Guns don't kill people, apes with guns kill people...'
-charlton heston'

________________________________

Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?

Because every time his wife got hot, he hit her with a shovel

________________________________

Rotten News...   (true)

Thu, Mar 04, 2004
Seniors Brawl After Salad Bar Dispute   

WINTER HAVEN, Fla. - A dispute at the salad bar turned into a food fracas at an upscale retirement home, with a man taking a bite out of another's arm and other residents suffering minor injuries.

Police said resident Lee Thoss, 62, of the Spring Haven Retirement Community was picking through the lettuce, which disgusted 86-year-old William Hocker, who was standing in line behind him.

Hocker told Thoss no one wanted to eat food he had been playing with. Thoss yelled and cursed at him, Hocker told police, and Hocker called him a nasty name. Then, witnesses said, Thoss then began punching Hocker in the face.

In the buffet melee that followed, Allen Croft, 79, tried to grab Thoss, who bit him on the arm, reports said.

Thoss' mother, Arlene, in her 80s and also a Spring Haven resident, jumped in to break up the fight and ended up with a cut arm. Harry Griffin, 92, was standing at the salad bar and cut his head when he was knocked to the ground.

"All the old folks were either getting up to help or trying to get out of there," police spokesman J.J. Stanton said of the scene last Sunday in the well-appointed dining room, which features an ice cream bar and a pastry chef.

Arlene Thoss, Croft and Griffin were treated at a local hospital and released.

Stanton said all involved declined to press charges, but home administrators have asked Lee Thoss to move out.

(a 'wrinkly rumble'!...)

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Bored? Try Molvania, birthplace of whooping cough
Thu Apr 1, 3:19 AM ET 

By Jason Hopps

LONDON (Reuters) - Intrepid travellers with no corner of the globe left to conquer could try an adventure holiday in Eastern Europe's hidden jewel -- Molvania.

A new guide to "the land untouched by modern dentistry", published on Thursday, lists some of Molvania's highlights, including its nuclear reactor with genuine 1950s-era cracks and magnificent zoo with 1,000 animals, all crammed in one cage.

Eating out in Molvania -- spiritual home of the polka and whooping cough -- is cheap, but you may have to pay extra for a waiter with a moustache, the guide advises.

Travellers tempted by such a Stalinist paradise but maybe wary of this article's dateline should know that the book is real, even if the country, sadly, isn't.

"It's a bit of a practical joke that got out of hand," Australian Tom Gleisner, one of the spoof travel guide's authors, told Reuters. "The idea for a joke travel book came about 10 years ago when I was backpacking through Portugal with friends. We decided to make up a country so we wouldn't offend anybody -- or offend everybody, depending on how you look at it," he said.

Just like the thousands of real travel books that map, label and rate every country from Azerbaijan to Zambia, the Molvania guide dishes up history, the country's best hotels and restaurants, and even provides travellers with useful phrases:

Sprufki Doh Craszko? means "What is that smell?".

Togurfga trakij sdonchskia? loosely translates as "What happened to your teeth?".

The guide also offers a phrase you probably won't need: Frijyhadsgo drof, huftrawxzkio Ok hyrafrpiki kidriki, which means "More food, inn-keeper".

While the book generates laughs by poking fun at the sort of country whose hotels, restaurants and transport systems repel tourists more than they welcome, it also has a serious point to make.

"Travel guides are just so ubiquitous; we all grab them like life-rafts and are almost too frightened to venture forth without reading about recommendations first," Gleisner said.

"It's almost at the point where people look up to read about a site instead of looking at the actual site. They've come to dominate travel so much we did feel it was time to do a spoof," he added.

"Molvania", by Santo Cilauro, Tom Gleisner and Rob Stich is published by Atlantic Books.

**********

Wed, Mar 31, 2004

Man Faces Airport Headaches Because of Name

ROCHESTER, N.Y. (Reuters) - Hate the security hassles at the airport? Try being singled out every time you fly because your name is on the government's watch list.

Asif Iqbal, a 31-year-old Pakistani software consultant from Rochester, New York, says he faces regular hassles because he has the same name as a Briton who was once held at the U.S. prison for terrorism suspects at Guantanamo Bay on Cuba.

(interestingly enough - here in Wafra we just hired a Pakistani fellow - his name is Afzal Iqbal. Relation????...)

************

Drivers take cars on to ferris wheel

Visitors to Antwerp have been driving their cars on to a temporary ferris wheel to get panoramic views of the city.

Dutch artist John Koermerling's Drive-in Wheel takes up to four cars at a time for the 10-minute ride.

The wheel takes drivers and passengers to a maximum height of 35 metres.

Jasper Warlop of the city's Villanella arts organisation which is behind the installation says cars have been flocking the wheel.

But he told Ananova it's been closed because insurers are concerned about a potential terrorist attack.

Organisers are hoping to open it again. It's due to remain in the city until August 31.

Mr Warlop said: "The idea is that whenever you drive to a tourist centre there's always problems finding somewhere to park. With the wheel, you get to see the city while your car is parked."